Title: Goldberg Variations
Author: teru_bozu_ebi
Website: http://teru-bozu-ebi.livejournal.com/
Pairing: Kenren/Tenpou
Rating: PG
Summary: Love is a chain reaction… which sometimes
involves a chicken.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer thingee. Not mine,
hers.
Goldberg
Variations
"What did you say this thing's called?"
"It's a Rube Goldberg Device. I've actually
designed a few of these, with minor modifications between each- but I have to
say this particular plan is my personal favorite. I call it 'Billina's Ballista.'
Though technically incorrect, it's nicely alliterative, don't you think?"
"Hn."
Like any
of that told him anything. Kenren stretched over the desk, squinting at the huge
page of undecipherable lines partly hidden under Tenpou's butt. He had to admit
that the squinting didn't help much, either. Tenpou let out a slow puff of
smoke as he leaned in and pointed out an arbitrary blob on the blueprint. OK,
not so arbitrary; now that he bothered to look he could see it was labeled 'No.1:
Start Here.'
"To start, you place two slices of toast in
the toaster, here. When the toast is finished, the jarring motion of the handle
popping up pulls the string attached to it, moving this hinged metal arm with
the lit Bunsen burner glued to the end into position underneath the rope."
Kenren frowned and leaned back into the chair. What
the… a toaster? Ignoring the puzzled expression, Tenpou's
finger quickly swept along to the next spot.
"It will take approximately 1 minute 30
seconds for the flame to burn through the rope, at which point the hammer tied
to the end drops and breaks the bell jar, allowing the captured moths to escape…
that's right there."
At the tip of Tenpou's finger, Kenren could
definitely see a bell-shaped whatzit, complete with a 'No. 3: Hungry Moths'
scribbled next to it, so he was at least able to follow along visually.
Mentally? Not so much.
"Suuuure. Moths. Makes perfect sense. And then
what?"
"Ah, well, as you can see, the moths will
immediately gravitate to the wool underwear hanging… there, and as they eat away at the cloth, the weight of it will
lessen, which due to the counterbalance raises the boot hanging beneath the
moth-eaten garment, kicking closed the switch and completing the electrical
current which heats the electric iron conveniently set to 'linen' so that it burns
a hole through the rayon shirt on the ironing board. The resulting smoke will
set off the fire alarm, frightening the overfed chicken and causing her to flee
her nest, which is…. there. Since obese chickens can't fly any great distance,
she will instead plummet into the hanging basket."
Kenren looked up at Tenpou. Then looked back down
at the finger pointing out 'Plummeting Poultry' on the blueprint. "A fat chicken."
"A fat hen,
specifically. Orange one, preferably. Talking one if possible but the point is that her weight will send
the basket sinking to the floor, at which point the fox in the oversized
hamster wheel will see the potential basket lunch and begin running towards it.
The turning of the wheel will wind this spring, swinging the ladle holding the
golf ball up to the waiting Habitrail. The ball will then enter the Habitrail,
roll down and drop into the neck of the tea kettle, effectively sealing it and
allowing for a build up of steam, which will upon detonation of the lid knock
the catch on the preset trebuchet, where, as you can plainly see, I am waiting in the sling. It's a perfectly simple
mechanism."
Kenren stared down dumbly at the stick figure of
Tenpou, lovingly rendered with stick glasses and a stick bad haircut. There was
a tiny trajectory of dotted lines arcing away from it, along with directional
arrows to a big red heart that had 'No. 13: Perfection Achieved' written beside
it. He looked back up at Tenpou, and waited. Gave him the and then? gesture a few times, which got him nothing but an amused
smile and a few more puffs of smoke. He finally gave up and asked.
"Ok, smartass. And what does the trebuchet do?"
"Well. It catapults me into your arms, of
course."
It took a second, but it had the intended result. Kenren started laughing.
Hard. After a minute he settled down to a point where he could speak again.
Still wiping away his tears, he nodded a 'come hither' and slapped his thigh in
an invitation to his favorite Mad Scientist of Tenkai. Had to love the guy for
trying, but the man was absolutely certifiable.
"Well, why don't you just come on over and
fling your pretty little lab-coated ass down on my lap right now, instead of waiting for some pudgy, moth-eaten
talking chicken to do it for you?"
Tenpou took another puff and smiled wider. His butt
slid off the end of the desk as he reached over to put out his cigarette.
"I thought you'd never ask."
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