Title: Healing

Author: Sorryll

Pairing(s): Gojyo/Hakkai

Rating: R

Summary or description: When had Gojyo started down the road to destruction? Before the misunderstandings, before the hastily hidden tears and before the dreaded 'talk with Sanzo'. Gojyo must admit some painful truths or destroy himself in the pursuit of happiness.


Disclaimer: I don't have the Saiyuki boys stashed in a cupboard – all rights belong to Kazuya Minekura. What a lady.


Email: blaqkhearted [a] hotmail [.] co [.] uk

Website: http://fanfiction.net/~sorryll


Authors note: This will be three of four parts long…or more…depending on how creative I feel. There is no char. death, don't worry okay? And the beginning is one of the nastiest bits – don't let it put you off!



How the hell did I end up here?

Gojyo stared into the mirror in front of him and watched the moonlight glance off the blade of the knife held poised in his hand.

Why the hell am I doing this?

He tried a smile on for size but it seemed distorted by his reflection; he just didn't look like himself anymore.

What do I do now?

He couldn't answer that one, even to himself. Instead, Gojyo froze, knife still poised, eyes still glued to the mirror. Maybe if he could trace this feeling back, he would understand what the hell was going on and feel like himself again.

So when had it started? When had he started feeling that something inside him was missing? He supposed it had been when he realised there was another part of him to be found and that had been weeks ago now. Before the misunderstandings, before the hastily hidden tears and before the dreaded 'talk with Sanzo'. Gojyo smiled ruefully; you knew things were bad when you had to talk to Sanzo about it.

So, before all that had been…


It had all started with the accident.

Having been coerced into helping with grocery shopping, Gojyo had been stumbling down the street laden down with a ridiculous amount of bags when he decided it was high time for a smoke. This meant that he then tried to light the cigarette dangling from his lips while simultaneously holding all the heavy bags and could really only end one way.

The next thing he knew, he was on his back surrounded by various food items. His head felt very much like he had been hit by a truck and moving slightly, he found that his head was almost impaled on a can of some sort of soup.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai shouted, "Are you alright?"

"Uh…" Gojyo shut his eyes for a moment and tried to will away the throbbing in his temples but to no avail. "I'm not dead, if that's what you mean."

Hakkai laughed softly and Gojyo felt his friend crouch down beside him. "I told you that smoking would be the death of you."

"Yeah, yeah, help me up will you?" Gojyo grumbled and grabbed the hand that Hakkai instantly offered.

As he stood another wave of pain rushed to his head, causing Gojyo to groan.

"Are you sure that was a can I landed on and not a knife?" he said slowly. Hakkai nodded and raised a gentle hand to the redhead's arm.

"Certain. Does it hurt that badly?" he asked quietly, his tone a little anxious.

Gojyo opened his eyes and glanced at his friends face. Hakkai's eyes were narrowed slightly in worry while his lips turned up at one corner, presumably to try and comfort Gojyo. Which was working, he had to admit. The pain was already starting to fade but Gojyo didn't feel like telling Hakkai that yet; he could be fawned over a little longer.

"It's practically killing me," he answered seriously and then tried to make his voice sound hurt but brave. "But it's okay, the shopping is more important, right?"

"No, it's not okay," Hakkai answered firmly. "Wait right here and I'll get Goku to come and help me carry the bags. Once we get back to the inn I can take a look at you."

Gojyo had smiled a little at his friend before nodding. "Sure thing, 'Kai. You're the boss."


"Sit down."

"Ah, Hakkai, it's not that bad-"

"Just sit down, Gojyo. I won't ask again."

Sighing, Gojyo threw himself into the chair that Hakkai had placed in the middle of the room and cursed himself. Why had he got himself into this situation? He liked attention but now Hakkai was bustling around like a mother hen and driving him crazy. His head didn't even hurt anymore.

Hakkai moved to stand behind him and raised his hands either side of Gojyo's head who opened his mouth to protest against the healing – what would happen to him if Hakkai used his chi on an area that wasn't hurt? Would he explode or something? But before Gojyo could get a word out he felt the familiar warmth of his friends healing ability.

And that was when it had happened.

It was as though he could feel Hakkai's heartbeat in his mind and could visualise perfectly each line of the body behind him. The dark hair falling over bright eyes, their colour only intensified by his worry. The way the loose material of his shirt hung carelessly over his pale skin. The gentle grace in each of his movements that masked something inside that was anything but graceful.

And suddenly he had realised that it felt good being connected to Hakkai like this. It felt normal as though it was something that happened all the time. He didn't feel worried anymore, not through the golden fog that was clouding his thoughts. He couldn't feel anything except that sense of unity.

Then Hakkai lowered his hands and the glow faded, leaving Gojyo calmed but confused. Hakkai had smiled like nothing had happened before busying himself elsewhere and, in his hurry to stop Goku from eating all the shopping, hadn't noticed the stricken expression on Gojyo's face. Gojyo himself felt lost, suddenly. Alone. Disconnected. It was as though Hakkai had reached inside of him, found a part so deeply hidden it had been forgotten about and then taken it with him when he left.

Whoa there, cowboy, Gojyo thought to himself. That's some deep shit for you to be thinking.

Although he would never admit it, the connection had scared him and so he put it to the back of his mind, blaming it all on the damn soup can which was sending him crazy. Hakkai was Hakkai and they already had a bond that freaked him out. Why would he want anything else? Enough was enough and Gojyo had resolved to put the whole thing behind him.

But then there was the second accident. . . 

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