Title: A Reflection of the Moon
Author: Rroselavy
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Koumyou/Ukoku
Rating: PG
Warnings: Burial spoilers
Word count: 596
Summary: At Koumyou's gravesite, Nii reflects on what might have been.
Prompt: Nii/Anyone: Helplessness - "all I'm asking is to be overcome"


A Reflection of the Moon

If only you hadn't died, I think you could have saved my life.

You really were something else, Koumyou. Remember the night before I became a Sanzo, when you had me locked up in the temple's detention cell? You came to visit me-to apologize, of all things. I asked you then if you could kill me.

You told me that it sounded like it was too much trouble; that you preferred to live your life without obligations. As if. Were you lying to me, or to yourself? Later, in that same conversation, I lied to you when I said that there was really nothing in life that I wanted. Actually, Koumyou, what I wanted was to be accepted by you.

Do you know that you were the only person who I'd ever met who made me feel helpless, and not because of your frank dismissal of my silly request, heh, not by a longshot. No, you had to go and ruin my victory, my moment in the sun, the culmination of my lifetime of plans and machinations. Why did you choose to seal my ordination with a kiss? Did you know that single action would consume me whole, make me question every plot that I'd ever set in motion? It took me a long time to understand that all you were doing was answering my deepest desire. I think I fell in love with you then.

Because when your lips met mine, you see, Koumyou, you did kill me. That chaste kiss of yours held the promise-proved the existence-of all the teachings that I had up to that point only pretended to believe in. You were the profound sullying his hands with the profane. I tasted nirvana in that moment and for the first time in my life I was brought to my knees; something that Buddha himself had failed to accomplish. I realize now that in every sense of the word, all I had ever asked for was to be overcome, and you did that in spades, Koumyou. You rocked my world and then you cast me aside, to return to your little Kouryuu.

You really were a piece of work; it took me years to get over that day. Some would have you believe that I still haven't, that everything I do is just one big tantrum to get your attention. They would be wrong; you and I both know my true nature.

When I last saw you, you told me that Kouryuu reminded you of me. Would it please you to know that he has become as corrupt as I am? Heh, as much as I refused to believe you then, I've come to see that he and I truly are two sides of the same coin, Master; both our hands are covered in blood.

But there is one thing that I wanted to ask you, Koumyou. Unfortunately though, unlike that night, you aren't here to taunt me with an arcane answer. This question though, haunts my waking hours and torments me in my dreams. That night that you were murdered, why didn't you fight back? You and I both know that you had the strength to overcome those common youkai, and you had the power of your sutra as well, yet you chose to give your life for your precious son. At least that's what Kouryuu would like to believe. Me, I don't buy it, not for a second, but I suppose there isn't enough sake in the world for me to consume while pondering that last riddle you left behind.

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