Title: Made to be Broken
Warnings: Angst, innuendo, sap, language
Disclaimer: Written for fun, not profit. I own none of the rights to Minekura's Saiyuki.
Summary: When everything's made to be broken, you bleed just to know you're alive.
Email: mori_recalcitrant (at) hotmail (dot) com
Made to Be Broken
'Where is that ape?' Sanzo growled to himself as he stormed through the halls of Chang'An.
Monks cowered before him as he brushed swiftly past. They hadn't seen him this ill-tempered in a good while, even before he and his companions had returned from their journey west.
But Goku had never been missing for a whole day before either.
In other parts of the temple, Gojyo and Hakkai were in similar states, minus the furious temper.
Goku had disappeared from Sanzo's room just before dawn and had since missed breakfast, lunch and dinner. And as the sun entered the early stages of setting, Sanzo began to admit that he was worried.
"Damn..." he cursed as plowed through the corridors. "Stupid monkey..." He had looked everywhere. Some places (like the kitchens, Goku's room and the peach tree) twice. Yet he couldn't find the baka saru anywhere. Sanzo paused in an empty passage and allowed himself to lean up against a wall. None of the monks or cooks had seen Goku that day. And as hard as Sanzo wracked his brain he couldn't think of anything he'd done to upset the monkey. So why was he missing? Sanzo felt himself slide down to the floor.
It was then that a young acolyte came scurrying up to Sanzo. "Sanzo-sama!" Sanzo looked up. No nervous stammering? No fumbling for words? Sanzo had yet to meet a religious man, since being given his title, who hadn't quaked in fear before him. "Sanzo-sama!" The boy called again. Sanzo thought he looked slightly familiar.
"What?! What is it?!" Sanzo bellowed back, not in the mood for a pushy little monk-let to be yelling in his ear.
"You are looking for Master Goku, yes?"
Sanzo quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah, so?"
"Please come with me." The boy appealed as he grabbed Sanzo's hand to pull him up from the floor. As he tugged Sanzo down the hall, the priest's mind caught up with him.
"Where the hell are you taking me?" He demanded, yet allowed himself to be taken wherever this child was leading him.
He received no answer.
And that ticked him off.
He was about to whack the little baldhead with his fan when they stopped outside an old storage closet.
"What?" Sanzo asked, not being able to make anything of this new location. Besides, he had already looked for Goku here.
"He's in the attic." The acolyte said matter-of-factly. Sanzo blinked.
"How do you know?" Sanzo scoffed, slightly annoyed that this little brat would know where Goku was even if he himself did not. 'I didn't even know Chang'An had an attic...'
"That's where he always goes. He's just never been up there this long before. I was getting worried."
"And just how the hell do you know that's where he always goes?"
"He told me about it once, and I saw him climb up there this morning."
Sanzo was dumbfounded. "He told you?"
"Yes." Sanzo looked closer at the little monk before him. And then he remembered where he saw the kid before.
This was the miniature monk that was always hanging around Goku. On many occasions he'd seen them together, whether out in the gardens or wandering the halls together. Goku seemed to like the boy well enough, and Sanzo was just glad that not every monk in the temple hated his charge. Apparently this brat and the monkey were friends.
"Hmph. Fine." Sanzo humphed, turning to look up at the closet's ceiling, where low and behold, there was a small trap door in a far corner. "You sure he's up there?" His guide only nodded.
Sanzo sighed before beginning to climb around the stored boxes and knick-knacks to reach the entrance to this attic.
Sanzo looked back over his shoulder when the young monk spoke again. "Please bring him back. He only goes up there when he's sad..." Sanzo saw the worry in the boy's eyes and nodded his affirmative. This boy seemed genuinely concerned for his charge.
'When he's sad...' Sanzo hadn't even known Goku was upset. Not since they returned from the west. Goku had always seemed as cheerful as ever. To know that there was a side of Goku that the monkey was hiding, was disconcerning to the older man.
Sanzo growled as he began his scaling of the boxes staked just under the door. His once pristine robes were now soiled by the dust and grim of the forgotten storage area. But as he reached for the trapdoor, he noticed distinct breaks in the uniform coating of dust. Someone was defiantly coming up here often.
With one last grunt, Sanzo pushed up on the trapdoor and found himself looking into a dismal space, lit only by the fading light streaming through the grated window to his right. Next to it, graced slightly by the waning sunlight, was Goku, knees curled to his chest and eyes dim, staring off at the far wall of the cramped space. And his eyes... Sanzo couldn't remember ever seeing Goku look so... broken.
He didn't even move to acknowledge the monk's presence.
"Goku..." Sanzo sighed as he struggle the rest of the way through the door, and grumbled at the low ceiling. He'd literally have to crawl across the filthy floor to reach his depressed charge. 'Whatever.' Sanzo made his way toward Goku. "Goku?"
He still didn't move.
As Sanzo got closer. He saw distinctive red lines marring Goku's lean arms. 'No...'
"Goku..." he tried again. But was interrupted.
"You're going to die Sanzo."
"What? What are you talking about, baka? I don't plan on dying..."
"You're going to die... and I'm not." Goku whispered, almost to himself. Sanzo stiffened at Goku's bleak words.
"Of course I'm going to die someday, baka. I'm only human."
"And I'm not." Goku finished, shifting to hide his face completely behind his bent knees.
"Goku..." Sanzo whispered, reaching toward Goku's injured arms... "Why?"
"If I can't die, how else am I supposed to know I'm alive?" Goku croaked, looking up to stare Sanzo directly in the eye.
"Did it work?" Goku shook his head.
"It doesn't make me forget that someday, I'm going to have to live without you." He buried his face again. "I don't know if I can to that..."
Sanzo almost keened at the sight of Goku so disheartened. He was that last person Sanzo ever thought would turn to self-mutilation as a source of comfort. Hell, he was the last person Sanzo would ever have thought to be depressed.
"Goku..." Sanzo tried, but words would not come to him. He wanted to remind Goku of his master's teachings, of Muichimotsu, but he couldn't. Not when he had grown just as attached to Goku as Goku had gotten to him. Instead, he just hauled himself closer to the young man, and pulled the miserable heretic into his arms. He held Goku tight to his chest as the young man began to cry.
They sat there, Goku sobbing into Sanzo's shoulder and Sanzo clutching Goku to him, until the sun had completely set and they were surrounded by darkness.
"Sanzo..." Goku whispered into the darkness, after the tears had stopped falling. "I love you... but I don't know if I can stay here and watch you grow old and go some place I can't follow. It'd hurt too much." Sanzo's grip around his lover tightened. "I think... maybe I should..."
"You aren't leaving." Sanzo hissed. He voice left no room for argument and Goku shuddered within his embrace. "And you aren't going to do this..." Sanzo brushed his hand softly against Goku's healing arm, "...again. Understood?" Goku didn't respond.
"Humans are made to die, Goku. There is no avoiding it. That's just how things are." Sanzo sighed. "And you're not human. These thing can't be changed. No matter what happens to me... you have to go on."
"Forever's a long time Sanzo. A real long time. What if I forget about everything... about you?"
"You really think that'll happen?"
"I think... I want it to."
Sanzo was too confused to respond.
Goku continued in his wake. "Living with just your memory... would be unbearable. You're the reason I'm alive, Sanzo. You showed me life beyond Gogyo and I can never completely return that favor. But if I'd have known that the sun I'd waited for for so long would leave me someday... I'd have asked you to leave me there."
"Baka." Sanzo admonished. "Then I'd still be hearing your damn voice in my head to this day."
"I don't care. At least that way, I'd never have found out there was something better than stone bars and a sun I couldn't see. Knowing that I'm going to lose it all... you, Hakkai, Gojyo... makes me want to die."
"No. I'm not letting you go, Goku. No matter how hard you try and get away. When I was about to break, your goddamn voice broke through everything and then you gave me a reason to live. You can't just leave me after all that. Not after you've forced me to love you back..."
Goku blinked and turned to look at Sanzo. "Why aren't you spouting all you 'hold nothing, kill the Buddha' crap?"
"I'm not holding anything, Goku. This is for me. I'm living for me, and for me to live... you have to be here... with me." Sanzo felt tears prick at his eyes. "That's what Muichimotsu is to me."
When the tears final spilled over Sanzo's eyes, a warm golden light began to fill the room.
"That's the spirit Konzen." Cooed a familiar voice.
"Damn that hag." Sanzo growled, pissed that she's interrupt such a moment between him and Goku.
"Now, now dear Konzen." The Merciful Goddess placated as she began to materialize before them. "Is that anyway to treat the bearer of good news?"
Goku sniffed in an unbelieving fashion.
"Ah, Goku. I assure you. This news will be appreciated by you as well." She hummed. She was now solidly before them, her warm glow lighting the small room. "Genjyo Sanzo... it appears as though you have just obtained enlightenment."
"What?!" Sanzo spat at the illusory Goddess. "What the fuck are you babbling about?"
"Enlightenment, my dear Konzen. Don't tell me Koumyou failed to learn you on the subject?"
"He did. But how the hell have I obtained enlightenment? Did you forget what Sanzo priest this is?"
"Yeah." Goku murmured. "Sanzo is the worst Sanzo priest ever." Sanzo flicked him on the temple. "What? Everyone knows it!"
Konzeon clucked disapprovingly. "Are you referring to those silly little habits Konzen has picked up down here? So he smokes, drinks and fucks as much as his heart desires? What would enlightenment have to do with such mundane concepts?" Sanzo went rigid. He would hardly call him and Goku fucking mundane. As a matter-of-fact, the first time he had shared a bed with Goku had been the second most defining moment of his life. "Aw, relax, Konzen. I'm not saying that your bedroom activities are unimportant. I love watching you and Goku go at it really I do. I've never seen you so happy in either of your lives with the boy. But there are notions much deeper than that. What were your master's most prominent teachings?"
Sanzo thought about her question. The teachings that had stuck with him the most over all these years... there was the lesson with paper airplanes and complimentary colors. The teaching about birds and having a home to return to... and Muichimotsu.
The Goddess looked thoughtful as she began to tick things off on her fingers. "He taught you that opposite colors bring out the beauty in each other. And just what is the opposite of violet, dear sweet Konzen?" She didn't give him a chance to answer, just shifted her gaze to the heretic in his arms. "Why, gold, of course... And he taught you that true freedom is having a home at which to rest your wings. And I think you've found just that in dear Goku as well." Sanzo laced his fingers gently with Goku's.
Goku smiled tenderly at the uncharacteristic contact.
"And last but not least..." She purred. "How'd that go? 'If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Free of everything..."
"... bound by nothing. You live your life simply as it is. Muichimotsu." Sanzo finished.
Konzeon smiled. "Yes. And just what is that teaching to you, Genjyo Sanzo?"
"To hold nothing."
"Are you really holding nothing, Konzen? Because that young man in your arms speaks otherwise." Sanzo looked down at Goku. "But does Goku bind you to anything? Did he ask you not to die for him or to kill him when your time came?"
"No." Sanzo whispered.
"Of course not. In fact, he was prepared to leave you to save himself the hurt of losing you. I think you defined the true meaning of Muichimotsu just a few moments ago, did you not, Konzen? You aren't holding anything. You are living your life... and Goku is that life. Thus, you have mastered your teachings at last, and enlightenment, is yours."
"Your nirvana can go to hell." Sanzo spat.
The Merciful Goddess laughed. "Ah, Konzen. That's exactly what I said, and I had a feeling those would be your sentiments on the matter. I assume you'll be taking the path of the bodhisattva then?"
"Wouldn't I have to go to Heaven then?"
"Oh no, Konzen. You can't go to Heaven. You were exiled 500 years ago for protecting this shrimp." She chuckled, gesturing to Goku. "No, you'll have to settle for the Lower World I'm afraid." She consoled, but her face lacked any pity. "But somehow, I don't think that will bother you all that much." A broad smile blossemed on her face. "Ooh, my little nephew's all grown up and enlightened!"
Sanzo scowled. "Nephew?"
"Yes, nephew. I wish I could give you back all your memories from your past incarnation, but unfortuantly, Genjyo Sanzo, not Konzen Douji, obtained enlightenment. You have no rights to those memories."
Goku suddenly grasped Sanzo's encircling arms in a death grip. "Sanzo... you're... like some kinda God now... right?"
Konzeon chuckled again. "That's right Goku. Some kinda God. And guess what some kinda Gods can't do?"
Goku's breath hitched. "Die..." he whispered and Sanzo understood, but still remained wary.
"What do I have to do?" He asked sceptically.
"Nothing Konzen. You can do whatever you want. Your counsel may be sought upon occasion. But otherwise your free to do as you please. All bodhisattvas are." She grinned. "How do you think I have the time to watch you guys all the time?"
"S-sankyuu..." Goku whispered, looking the Goddess in the eye for the first time since she appeared.
"No Goku. Thank yourself. Without you, Sanzo would never have obtained his enlightenment." She whispered back as she began to dissipate once more.
It was Sanzo's turn to whisper. "Thank you Goku." Just as the Goddess dissappeared completely, leaving only her echoing laughter behind.
But even that eventually faded, leaving the two men in silence. Until Goku spoke.
"Sanzo... you're not gonna die."
"I'm not gonna die..." Goku shifted in Sanzo's hold so that he was facing the priest.
"It doesn't hurt anymore, Sanzo. It's full again." Goku whispered as he got on his knees to be eye level with his guardian.
"What are you talking about, stupid monkey? What's full? You said the same thing eight years ago. What the fuck does it mean?"
"My heart, Sanzo." Goku whispered before kissing the priest deeply.
Several minutes and one fall from a trapdoor later, guardian and charge found themselves falling onto Sanzo's bed in a tangle of limbs.
Searching mouths devoured slick skin as they pressed closer together.
Soon enough, a melody of grunts and moans found it's way into the hall.
"I wonder if Sanzo's found the monkey yet." Gojyo asked aloud as he and Hakkai walked the halls in seach of their friend.
"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since we split up to look." Hakkai admitted.
Then, they walked past Sanzo's quarters and a very familiar voice met their ears.
Both Hakkai and Gojyo paled.
"I think Sanzo found him." Hakkai observed sheepishly.
"Shit, I did not need to hear that." Gojyo grumbled. "C'mon Hakkai, Sanzo found his pet, now we can go home."
"Ah. Alright." Hakkai agreed and they left the temple, both relieved that Goku had been found safe, and slightly pink from what they had heard from behind Sanzo's closed doors.
Back in Sanzo's room, a certain bodhisattva was just about to slam into his lover's tight passage when a thought occured to him. He grabbed his gun and aimed it at the heavens.
"Cut the voyeur crap, ya lonely old hag!" He bellowed viciously, firing off whatever rounds remained in his pistol.
Beneath him, Goku laughed before slapping the gun out of Sanzo's hands and pulling his lover flush against him once more.
"We have an audience, Sanzo. We best perform." He smirked before allowing Sanzo to kiss him furiously.
Somewhere in Heaven, one Merciful Goddess was laughing her head off.
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