Title: Fallen From Grace
Email: mori _ recalcitrant @ hotmail . com
Rating: NC-17 overall
Warnings: lemons, limes, language, angst, the usual.
Disclaimer: Written for fun, not profit. I own none of the rights to Minekura's Saiyuki.
Summary: A collection of Sanzo/Goku oneshots inspired by the Three Days Grace album One-X. Vary in length from 5 - 35 pages.
Note: NOT a songfic.
It's All Over
It started nearly a month ago. At first, I didn't understand, but as the days bled into weeks, it became clear- Goku was losing control.
The first time I noticed a change in him was when I went to whap him with my harisen, and he didn't flinch as my fan came down in a swift ark towards his diadem graced head. It was I who nearly flinched under his stern gaze as he deftly blocked he blow. Gojyo even backed off after he let loose that look.
The most frightening this about it- I could have sworn those were Seiten Taisei's eyes glaring back at me.
It only got worse. Eventually, merely blocking my discipline became snatching the fan from my grasp and throwing it aside… and much later, a feral snarl would accompany his actions.
Gojyo became wary about picking fights with my charge, at least ever since Goku decided against holding back against Gojyo. It became apparent how much stronger Goku was than his half-breed friend. He could easily dodge every one of Gojyo's attacks and manage to get his firm point across in only a few blows. Gojyo didn't win many fights these days.
Hakkai must have sensed the saru's change early on, for he now made a point to remove Gojyo from the tussles and not approach Goku during his periods of anger. Needless to say, Hakkai hadn't been the recipient of much of Goku's wrath.
Against my will, I found myself becoming distraught by the fading voice in my head. I was terrified of the day when it wouldn't be there at all.
But even worse was the fact that… Goku wasn't fighting back. He was letting Seiten Taisei win their inner battle.
Right after I figured out what was making Goku so crude, I was easily able to recognize the signs of an inner struggle within my charge. After a fit, his eyes would scrunch and could see him vying for control. But now…
Everyday I see pieces of him fall to the beast within. Piece by piece he's giving in to Seiten Taisei. I can only wonder why he's giving up; why he's stopped fighting.
Now, 4 weeks after his restraint began to slip, I fear for Goku. Everyday brings him closer to the darker side of himself. Even his coronet is showing signs of unusual wear. It's normally gleaming gold surface has become dull and tarnished. Small cracks have appeared at the edges. And today, I found out Goku's known all along, that he's gonna lose this battle.
"Hey monkey!" Gojyo called. "Time to eat! Get your saru ass over here!"
"Don't call me a monkey!" Goku shouted back as he approached the site we'd elected to stop at for lunch. Goku tended to stay separate from the group whenever we stopped… save when the food was served.
Hakkai and I had been discussing how to go about talking to Goku about his loss of control, the silent changes he's experiencing. We all knew that Goku was unaware of his surroundings whenever Seiten Taisei took control… so he must not know of the changes that we can see so clearly reflected in his golden heretic eyes.
"Goku…" Hakkai began, and by his pause I knew the subject he meant to address. "It's time we talk about this." Hakkai paused until he had the monkey's undivided attention. "You know those spells you're having when you can't remember what just happened?"
"What 'spells' Hakkai? I haven't forgotten anything lately, have I?" Goku asked.
"I don't know saru. Have you?" I asked, terse tone drawing Goku's eyes to me.
Hakkai sighed. "Goku… I can't find another way to put this… we have reason to believe that Seiten Taisei is slowly breaking loose." Hakkai stopped there to gauge Goku's response.
Goku's eyes turned down toward the ground. "I know."
"What?!" I bellowed at the idiot. "Then what are you doing about it?!"
Goku's pause lasted just a moment to long as he completely turned his head away from us. "Nothing."
I didn't even trust myself to form coherent words at this point. But I was mad.
Hakkai spoke for me. "What do you mean, Goku?"
"I…" Goku began, but stopped as if thinking. He brought his head back our direction. "I tried… but… but I just can't."
"What do you mean you can't, monkey?" I hissed through clenched teeth.
"I can't… beat him… He… I'm just…" I didn't even give him a chance to finish before I stormed off into the woods. I could tell by the rustling of underbrush behind me, I was being followed. The steps were even and calm, only just fast enough to catch up to me and put a gentle hand on my shoulder. I knew from the steps alone who my pursuer was.
"What do you want Hakkai?" I called gruffly over my shoulder, my tone deceptively even.
"Please calm down, Sanzo. Goku is going through enough right now and you know how badly you affect his psyche."
"What is wrong with him?" I asked slowly, turning to face the man.
"We all knew this might happen someday…"
"So? I didn't…" I had nothing to say. It was true. We had all suspected this would happen. But… I didn't… "…want it to." I finished quietly. Hakkai gave me a knowing look. I wanted to shoot him. "What?!" I shouted, unable to take that look any longer.
"Sanzo… why are you so upset about something we were all fairly sure was coming? I though you of all people would have steeled yourself for this before hand."
I was about to answer when none other than the monkey came barreling through the underbrush towards where I was standing. Before I knew it- he had a firm fist panted in my gut.
"What the hell, monkey…" I wheezed, trying in vain to catch the breath his punch had knocked out of me.
"You… Sanzo, are a total piece of shit." He growled. I could never remember being truly afraid of my charge until this moment.
"Your reasoning behind this sentiment?" I asked evenly, not wanting provoke him any further.
"You have no idea what it's like." He snarled. "Every second of everyday, I'm fighting it. I can't sleep at night because I might lose the control. Can you even imagine? Even when we're not battling assassins, I'm still battling myself. And not in your figurative sense like you battle memories when it rains. None of you could ever understand… how it kills me to know that I. Can't. Win." He paused to take a breath. "Not this time."
Before either Hakkai or myself could respond he had turned tail and stomped back to where Jeep and Gojyo still waited.
"Sanzo?" Hakkai whispered as I let my body fall to the forest floor.
"I..." I breathed just loud enough for Hakkai's heightened senses to hear, "He's right. I couldn't understand… but that shouldn't be a problem. It never has been before." I ground out. I felt my hands ball into fists. "I could always pull him back before."
"Goku's grown in many ways, Sanzo. That could never be helped."
"That's not what I'm talking about!" I yelled, frustrated at Hakkai and myself for not understanding the point I was trying to make. Before I could stop them, my eyes became damp- but I let none of the threatening tears fall. I ran my hand anxiously through my hair. "But he is wrong about one thing. I can imagine the pain he's feeling right now. The powerlessness. Because… I'm feeling the same way."
"Why do you feel powerless, Sanzo?" Hakkai prodded, sitting down in the grass next to me.
"Because… I can't do anything to… there's nothing I can do… he needs me, and I can't do anything to get him through this."
Hakkai put a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. He spoke anyway. "Sanzo, I know-"
"No, you don't!" I denied. "Whenever Gojyo is injured or troubled, nothing is stopping you from making it all go away. I have the power of a goddamn god stopping me Hakkai. I've never felt so… helpless."
"That may be so Sanzo… but there are other matters that need addressing that may not be the things you want to hear."
"Oh, yeah? Like what? Nothing could be worse than this."
"Like what we're going to do when his other half completely breaks free. I think you've figured out by now that the coronet is slowly losing its influence over him."
I froze at Hakkai' words. He was right… I really didn't want to deal with all this right now. The only thing floating around my mind was- I really couldn't do it. No matter how many times I said I would… I could never intentionally kill Goku.
"Not now, Hakkai. Just not now." I whispered before picking myself up and retreating back to my designated seat in Jeep. "Oi! Gojyo, saru! Get your asses in the car we're leaving!" I bellowed as Hakkai placed himself behind the wheel. Both addressed grumpily wandered over to the Jeep and threw themselves in back. For now, the only thing on my mind would be the Journey West… and Goku.
Not days later, the point I had been praying would never come arrived. Kougaiji and company attacked and I just knew it was all over. And I was right.
Halfway through the fight, Kougaiji landed a solid kick to Goku's chest, sending the monkey sprawling backwards in a whirlwind of dust. When the filth cleared- Goku was kneeling on the ground clutching his head. Wild grunted and snarls escaping his throat.
My heart stopped.
Seconds, that seemed like a lifetime, later, Seiten Taisei stood before us in all his god-like glory. Except for one thing- his eyes. Goku's eyes were hanging on to life. Goku's golden eyes that matched the fading coronet above them. I could see the painful struggle within those eyes as Goku fought to regain control- but when his eyes met mine, we both knew it was over.
I turned my head away and let the dams that had been holding back my tears break. Slowly, I felt the moisture begin to trickle down my face. The last thing I heard before Seiten Taisei howled was Goku's voice break the emptiness of my thoughts-
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