As the days rolled on and the mountainside climate grew progressively colder, it became apparent that Goku was lying to them.

Oh, he pretended to be all right; ate whatever was given to him, shovelled it back with his customary enthusiasm whenever Hakkai - or Gojyo, in one or two instances - refilled his tin bowl with whatever they'd been able to catch, pick and cook en route.

But he never actively asked for more, and therein lay the truth of how he was feeling.

Though, really, Hakkai wasn't entirely surprised by this. After all, the bond between Goku and Sanzo ran deep - far deeper, he'd wager, than even he and Gojyo could fathom. The two were like chalk and cheese, and yet inexplicably connected, an unspoken and long history stretching out behind them.

The truth was, Hakkai could clearly see how depressed Goku was; it was evident beneath the veneer of energetic, endless mirth Goku shone at them whenever they looked his way.

He was being dishonest, even to Gojyo, who chanced asking Goku outright a few times. Hakkai had been certain that if Goku was to open up to anyone, it would be Gojyo.

He'd been wrong.

Hakkai was sure Sanzo wouldn't return of his own accord. Not until whatever it was he was doing was done, and even then maybe not - maybe they really would meet him in India, for the last stand.

He also knew something within the remnants of the Ikkou had to give, and give soon.

But then, that was entirely up to Goku.

* * *

"Haha! Better luck next time, monkey." Smiling smugly, Gojyo reached across the table and dragged his winnings towards him with cupped hands. His spoils consisted of a number of roasted peanuts, since they were almost out of money and Hakkai was damned if he was going to let Gojyo pocket it and then blow it on cigarettes.

"Damnit! I almost had ya." Frowning, Goku tossed his cards onto the table and let out a sigh of resignation. He linked his hands and then stretched them up over his head, yawning hugely as his t-shirt rode up to mid-stomach.

Hakkai wouldn't say he looked different, per se, but there was a distinct lack of bronze sheen to Goku's skin, almost like some of the colour had been drained from him along with his mood. He watched in silence as Goku let his arms fall back onto the scarred tabletop.

"Na, Gojyo-"

"You ain't getting any of my winnings, if that's what you're wondering." Gojyo flipped a nut up into the air and caught it in his mouth, draping himself over the back of his seat.

It was past midnight, during the third of six days they were spending in the peaceful mountainous town of Yibin. After almost a week solid on harsh, rocky terrain, scrimping and making do with whatever resources they could gather along the way, sleeping in a bed under a proper roof was a luxury none of them was particularly keen on hurrying.

"I wasn't gonna ask that!" Goku sobered, drumming his fingertips on the wood. He glanced between Hakkai and Gojyo, then back again. "I just… I wanted to ask you guys. Is it… is it weird to wake up somewhere and you can't remember getting there?"

Gojyo threw a quick look at Hakkai, one of his 'do you wanna get this one?' glances. He tossed a handful of roasted peanuts into his mouth and chewed on them loudly, clearly abstaining.

"You mean sleepwalking?" Hakkai asked Goku, pushing his empty beer tankard away and settling his hands on the table. "It's not uncommon. Actually, it happens to a lot of people."

"Why, you been doing it much lately?" Gojyo interjected around his mouthful, with a mildly curious air.

"No," Goku said, almost defensively. "Just… a couple 'a nights ago, I woke up on the porch, just standing there in the freezing cold. I didn't know what was going on."

Hakkai offered him a smile of reassurance. "Believe me, waking on the porch isn't anything to worry about. I've heard of people sleepwalking much further than that."

A bit of stiffness seemed to drain from Goku and he let out a quick, not-quite comfortable laugh. "Thanks Hakkai! I thought I was going mad or something."

"You were mad already," Gojyo said unhelpfully. "Sleepwalking's the least of your worries."

"Oy, shut up! If I'm mad it's only 'cause I've been around you too long."

"He's got you there," Hakkai chuckled lightly.

"Gah, how dare you use that kind of logic this late at night, monkey." Gojyo flicked a peanut at him. It shot straight across the table and hit Goku square in the chest.

Goku let out a helpless, genuine laugh, and oddly something in Hakkai relaxed at the carefree sound. It was a tension he hadn't even been aware of until then. After all, it had been a fair while since he'd seen a real spark in Goku's eyes, heard his original light-hearted timbre and familiar resonance.

However, Hakkai still wasn't entirely at ease. The sleepwalking bothered him, even though he had assured Goku there was nothing to be concerned about. Hakkai wanted to talk to Gojyo about it, but there was no way he was going to get the chance, at least not until the morning.

"Well, I think I'm going to turn in for the night, before you two get into a proper peanut war." Hakkai rose from the table, scratching the back of his neck. He heard them mutter their 'night's beneath the ping of rapid-fire peanuts, and headed out, down the corridor to his room.

* * *

The temperature dropped exponentially during the night. Hakkai woke some time in the early hours, shivering beneath the worn inn-provided blankets. It wasn't yet dawn, though the sky outside his window was starting to bruise purple at the bottom, just over the horizon. He figured it was around 4 am.

He pulled himself out of bed and moved quickly over the cool floor to a small bureau in the corner, in the hopes that it contained extra bedding.

A floorboard outside his door let out a faint groan.

Hakkai immediately forewent his blanket search and slipped across the room as quickly and quietly as possible, avidly listening at the door for any hints of further movement. His palms tingled as he started to subconsciously gather his chi, though he didn't call upon it yet. For all he knew, it could be the natural sounds of the inn: wood expansion, pipes gurgling below in the cellar.

"Who's there?" he called mildly.

He heard a sniff, which at least confirmed a person stood a few feet away. But it was unusual - surely a foe wouldn't be so obvious. He wondered if Gojyo was awake. Then he recalled what Goku had said about sleepwalking earlier.

"Goku?" he chanced.

No reply.

Hakkai gave it a few more seconds, mentally reaching out beyond the scope of the door, but he couldn't sense any immediate danger from whoever was there. He was usually quite perceptive to intent, able to pick up the barest strains of hostility. Yet now he felt nothing.

With little other choice, he unlatched the door and opened it quickly, stepping back with his chi fizzing at the tips of his fingers.

"Goku," he said again, this time with slight exasperation. "Why didn't you answer me?"

"You gonna leave me?" Goku asked in a monotone.

Well, well. Definitely sleepwalking, Hakkai realised, stepping closer and peering down at Goku's face. The young man's eyes were soft and watery, unfocused and heavily lidded. His expression was slack but for a very faint pinch between his eyebrows.

Hakkai knew not to wake him. Instead, he carefully guided Goku around on the spot, then steered him along the corridor, one hand pressed lightly to the base of Goku's spine. His skin felt coldly clammy just above the waistband of his boxers, like he'd been having a bad dream, and there were a few droplets of sweat travelling lazily down the side of his face.

The hall lamps still burned in their sconces, dwindling but casting enough golden light to catch off Goku's limiter as he moved. Hakkai got him through the darkened doorway of his room, to the bed.

"Lie down," he instructed carefully, close to Goku's ear.

Goku did as he was told. "Did I do somethin' wrong?" His voice was soft though not alert. Hakkai wondered whether his words were really getting through. He hoped so.

"No, Goku, you haven't done anything wrong."

"You gonna leave me?"

"No. Gojyo and I are not going to leave you." Hakkai knew it wasn't really Sanzo's fault things were so messed up. None of them were to blame. Whoever had taken that deadly step, who had attacked Goku - whether intentionally or because they'd been aiming for Sanzo and missed - was the cause of it. The cause of Goku's distress, Sanzo's unrest, the imbalance of the group.

Goku thankfully fell silent, immediately drifting into a deeper sleep. Hakkai hoped he'd stay that way until morning, blissfully unaware of Sanzo's absence even if only for a few hours. A respite Hakkai knew Goku needed.

By the time Hakkai returned to his room, he'd forgotten about his lack of blankets.

It wasn't as if he would get much sleep now, anyway.

* * *

"You look like shit, man."

"Thank you, Gojyo. That has to be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." Hakkai warmed his hands by curling them around his cup of tea, ignoring how Gojyo rolled his eyes. The inn was usually cosy and homey, but that morning new kegs of beer were being transported down to the cellar, so the doors were perched open for the delivery men. A persistent icy wind wound in between the tables and chairs, unavoidable in its purpose as it snaked around their legs, up their spines.

Huddled around a rickety booth in a far corner, Hakkai and Gojyo waited for Goku, who seemed to be taking extra long to surface.

"Didn't sleep, huh?"

"Mm. I woke around four because of the cold. Then…" Hakkai stopped, looking down at the creamy surface of his tea. He'd almost said it - almost told Gojyo about Goku, but something stopped him. He cleared his throat, unsurprised when Gojyo opened his mouth to undoubtedly ask what was wrong.

Luckily, Goku interrupted him, sliding into one of the two vacant seats. "Morning!"

"Hey, hey, monkey boy." Gojyo drew out his cigarette packet and tapped one in between his lips. Hunting around his pockets for a lighter, the thin white stick waggled as he spoke. "Innkeeper said to tell you sorry but they're all out of food." He smirked.

"That's a load of shit," Goku announced. "I could smell 'em cooking bacon when I woke up." He grinned back.

"Eh, can't put anything past your nose." Once Gojyo had his cigarette alight, he settled back and fell silent, seeming content to savour his first smoke of the morning.

"Na, Hakkai, you look really tired."

Hakkai glanced up to find Goku staring at him, a ghost of a warm smile still wavering on his lips.

"Ah, I didn't sleep so well, but I'm fine." He really was fine - he could deal with a spot of tiredness. It was the young man he was currently looking at that concerned him, but Goku seemed completely unaware of anything from the previous night.

They ordered breakfast, drinks and a copy of the newspaper, which Goku had taken up reading in the mornings. Both Hakkai and Gojyo had a fair idea why. Half way through their meal the delivery men carted the last of the beer kegs across the floor, then finally let the inn door swing shut.

Goku accepted seconds.

It was only then that Hakkai located his own appetite.

* * *

The difference between opening his door that evening to opening his door the previous one, was that this time Goku was fully awake and alert.

"Hey," he said, awkwardly rubbing at the back of his hair, making it stand up even more than it usually did.

"Is everything all right?" Hakkai asked him. Although it was late - gone 1 am - he wasn't yet in bed, instead having opted to work up a basic map for their next few weeks of travel. He stepped aside and indicated for Goku to enter. It was apparent Goku had something to say, and from the way he was uncomfortably glancing around, saying it out in the corridor for anyone to overhear wasn't an option.

Goku wandered in, stopping in the centre of Hakkai's room and turning. "Sorry to knock really late. I didn't wanna… I just had this. Um."

Hakkai closed the door and stared at him, tilting his head. "You need to talk. That's what I'm here for, Goku. You should know you can talk to me any time."

Goku looked down at his feet, suddenly very interested in them. "Yeah, I know. It's just not easy."

"Mm," Hakkai mused out loud. "I actually figured you would go to Gojyo first. You two get on very well, regardless of the outward disagreements." Like brothers, in a lot of ways, he silently added.

Goku shook his head slowly. "Yeah, we do. This isn't somethin' I can say to Gojyo, though."

Hakkai went over to his bed and sat down, patting the edge for Goku to join him. The single oil lamp he'd lit burned cheerfully from atop the bureau, setting everything in dancing orange light which seemed to warp the shadows, animating Goku's features.

"So, what's on your mind?" he prompted, after a long moment of silence.

If Goku was awkward before, it was nothing compared to how he was now. He fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt, picking at the loose threads. "Um. It's just that I… I can't settle. 'Cause you know, sometimes I think about him. A lot."

Hakkai nodded slowly, bidding him to go on.

"And I just feel like I'll never be able to settle. When I'm being noisy or I eat too fast, and I know I'm doing it, there's no Sanzo to tell me when to stop. I feel like I'm losing control of stuff."

Hakkai started to get it; the roots of Goku's problems were beginning to push through the soil he'd tried to pack around them. He nodded again. "You miss the structures Sanzo put up around you."

Goku opened his mouth, then closed it again and nodded. "Uh-huh." He finally looked up at Hakkai. "Yeah, kind of. I never even knew they were there. The structures. Not until he was gone. It's really stupid - it's only been a week, but it's like a part of me is missing." He flushed at the last, and Hakkai felt a pang of sympathy. He knew all too well what it was like to feel a part of himself missing.

"Would you like me to give you some boundaries?"

Goku blinked at him. "Remember when we woke up in that youkai's stomach that time, and you yelled at me 'cause I panicked?"

Hakkai let out a soft laugh. He recalled what Goku had said afterwards - that he liked it when Hakkai was firmer with him, because it sobered him. Goku was startlingly self-aware in many ways, and yet Hakkai would bet Goku didn't even realise it himself. "I remember."

Goku nodded. "I liked that. I felt calmer. Kind of… safer, you know?"

"I understand."

An apparent relief washed across Goku's face. "Cool! So, I should…" He rose quickly, and Hakkai got up too. "Gotta sleep and all."

"Yes, get some rest. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow." Hakkai walked him to the door, noticing the way Goku's steps were less hesitant.

"Thanks. Uh." Goku turned to face him out in the hall, smiled and muttered "Night," before leaving.

Well, that hadn't been too painful, Hakkai supposed, considering he hadn't a clue what Goku was going to say when he'd turned up looking so nervous. He extinguished the oil lamp and slid into bed, tucking the blankets soundly around himself.

For a change, sleep came swiftly to Hakkai that night.

* * *

By seven o'clock the next evening, Hakkai started to wonder if he'd been right to agree to Goku's request. If he wasn't mistaken - and he rarely was when it came to the others - he was certain Goku had been testing him, trying his patience all day.

First there was the argument over breakfast, followed by the mess left at the table that Hakkai eventually took up to the bar. Then there was the state of the shared bathroom - how Goku made all the towels wet after his bath, not just his own, and managed to smear toothpaste all over the mirror and the sink.

It was too much to ask that Gojyo take note of these things; Hakkai was sadly resigned to it - he'd lived with Gojyo before, and had quickly surmised that the red-head was unconcerned about the preservation of a tidy living space.

"A tidy home leads to an uncluttered mind," Hakkai had once told him.

"A tidy home might encourage a hot young lady to stay over," Gojyo had replied. "But then, when was the last time you saw one of those cross my doorstep?"

Hakkai wiped the remainder of the minty-smelling goop off the hot tap and then threw the dust rag he'd borrowed from the housekeeper into the bin. He then retreated to his room, deciding that some quiet reading might tire him out so he would be able to eventually find sleep.

When he reached his room, however, his plans were immediately thwarted. There, sitting on his bed wearing a wide grin, was Goku.

"Hey, Hakkai," Goku said enthusiastically. Hakuryuu was curled on his lap, having no doubt transformed outside and snuck in through the window with Goku's encouragement. Hakkai couldn't blame the dragon, really, considering the temperatures of late, but the inn was very particular on its animal policy. If caught, they'd all be out on their ears.

"Goku." He blinked in surprise. "Hello. What're you up to?"

"Nothin'." Goku stroked along Hakuryuu's protruding spine with his fingertips. Hakuryuu let out a quiet little "Chu" of contentment, his arrowed tail curling. "Just bored," Goku went on. "What're you doing?"

"Oh, I was about to read. Nothing exciting."

"Huh."

Hakkai went to the windowsill and retrieved the book he'd bought a few towns back. He sat down on the edge of his bed, slightly away from Goku, and flipped the pages. "Just to note," he said, not looking up. "Could you remember to put the cap back on the toothpaste when you're finished with it?"

The bed moved ever so slightly as Goku shifted. "Oh yeah. Okay."

"And," he added, figuring he might as well say it all in one go, for what good it would do, "try to only use as many towels as you need when you have a bath. There are three of us sharing, remember?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn't wanna slip when I got out the tub, so I put one down, and then I needed one to dry off, and then one to wipe the mirror so I could see into it before I brushed my teeth."

Hakkai set a smile on his mouth, but he couldn't focus on his book. Goku wasn't just radiating his usual energy, but also an unusual intenseness that set Hakkai on edge. Add to that the fact that Hakkai wasn't really in the mood for company, given the minor annoyances from earlier.

Sadly, it didn't look like Goku was going anywhere.

"What's Gojyo doing?" Hakkai tried, wondering if it would encourage Goku to go and find out.

"Drinking in the bar. He's being really boring though, 'cause he's talking to the waitress and won't play cards with me."

"Oh."

There was silence for a moment, broken only by the odd snore from Hakuryuu.

"What's that book about?"

Hakkai gave up trying to take in the words and instead held up the book cover for Goku to see.

"The Many Everyday Uses of Sleight of Hand," Goku read out loud.

"Mm." It was exceedingly informative, although Hakkai hadn't had much chance to get very far into it yet.

"Neat. That looks kind of cool. So it's like… pick-pocketing and stuff?"

"Well, I wasn't actually planning on using it for something that devious."

"But that's what it's for, right? Tricking people into thinking you're doing one thing, when really you're doing another." Goku absently tickled Hakuryuu under the chin, and the dragon let out a small mushroom-cloud of smoke. "Lying to them."

"I don't know about that. I might have questionable morals in certain areas, but I'm no thief." Hakkai frowned, his ire rising. He knew he needed to just take a deep breath, calm down. Goku hated being deceived, that was all. He wasn't really accusing Hakkai.

"Do you wanna play cards with me?"

The sudden change of subject didn't sit right with Hakkai. Nor did the shift in atmosphere, in Goku's posture and the flux in the effervescent aura surrounding him.

Hakkai let the book drop to his lap and, after a moment, he rose, carrying it to the bureau and setting it down. He paused, wondering if this had been a good idea. Goku was certainly trying him, beyond a shadow of a doubt, but not in the same way he used to try Sanzo. There was something more pointed about it now, almost like he was seriously out to annoy Hakkai. That in itself annoyed Hakkai, though he steeled himself. He had agreed, after all.

"Goku, please leave." He kept his tone mild, but with no room for argument.

Goku looked up from the bed, surprised for a second, before his expression darkened the barest fraction.

"Why? I'm not doing anything."

Hakkai stared at him. "I asked you to leave. It's polite to do as someone asks, especially when you're in their room."

"But I wasn't doing anything wrong," Goku protested. He hitched Hakuryuu up in his arms, which woke the slumbering dragon. Hakuryuu ruffled his wings and made an irritable sound.

This time, Hakkai really did feel genuine anger flash through him. "Now you've woken Hakuryuu. Goku, this is immature - stop it."

"Immature?" Goku huffed. "You sound like Gojyo."

"Maybe he has a point. I didn't agree to this so you could-"

"Agree to this?" Goku echoed, setting Hakuryuu none too gently on the bed. The dragon let out a short, indignant flame that rose into a curl of smoke, before hopping along the bed, onto the windowsill, then out into the fathomless night. Hakkai wondered if he should join him. He didn't like where this was heading.

"Yes, I didn't agree to this so you would intentionally wind me up. If you want discipline, I-" Damn, he had to lower his tone. There was no point getting riled when Goku knew exactly what he was doing. Besides, Hakkai didn't have the energy to be at loggerheads with him, not right now.

Goku rose and moved closer. His eyebrows were dipped, the set of his mouth pointedly defiant. "I'm not a kid. I'm not trying to wind you up!" He stared at Hakkai for a long time, silently daring him to argue back. Then, suddenly, the fight just seemed to leave him in one big whoosh. "Shit. I'm sorry," he added, much quieter.

Hakkai let out the breath he'd been holding.

"I guess… I guess I was." Goku lowered his head. "Trying to wind you up, that is."

"I can see that. This is how you're dealing with the lost of stability in your life." Hakkai settled a hand on Goku's shoulder. The skin beneath the material of his t-shirt seemed to thrum. Goku was always so very alive, constantly winding like a cog that could spring apart at any moment; and yet when he looked up at Hakkai right then, his face was a picture of frustration, concentrated anguish. It was radiating off him in waves.

"I really, really fucking miss him, Hakkai," Goku admitted softly.

Once upon a time, Hakkai had thought that something had to give, and give soon. That for the elusive 'give' to happen, Goku would have to reach out, to work at getting over his problems, at dealing with his loss of Sanzo.

Hakkai wasn't the yelling type and he didn't have a harisen for this. Even if he did have one, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to smack Goku on the head with it. There had to be a way to go about this. Hakkai had struck out shouting and a paper fan, but something far back in the recesses of his mind was calling out. As the idea formed, Hakkai realised it was all he had to work with under the circumstances.

When he was young and resided at the orphanage, Hakkai had witnessed some boys stealing eggs from a nearby farm. When the farmer caught up with them, instead of reporting them to the nuns, he had instead bent the boys over his knee, one by one, and dealt his own kind of punishment. Concealed behind a stone wall nearby, Hakkai had watched all this - stunned, a little disgusted, and utterly rapt by the show.

He also knew for a fact those boys never pinched another thing from that day on.

Even though Hakkai knew what he was about to do could be destructive to the already unsteady balance of the group, he also realised Goku was reaching out, actively asking for help, in his own way. This was how Goku was choosing to deal.

"Goku," Hakkai said carefully, taking a deep, silent breath. "Please go back over to the bed."

Goku stared up at him for a moment, before heading across the room, stopping beside the bed and turning to him. "Can I stay for a bit longer?"

Hakkai swallowed and nodded. "You can stay." Goku couldn't be more clear and Hakkai couldn't bring himself to turn him away. He would give Goku what he needed, no matter how loud the alarm bells were ringing in his mind. "Get on the bed," he added.

Goku raised an eyebrow at that, though he obediently perched on the edge of the mattress.

"No," Hakkai said, and Goku froze, looking up. Hakkai had to steel himself before he could continue. "On your hands and knees."

"Huh?"

"Goku, you said you wanted structure, to be… disciplined, when you go over-board. If you still want my help, you'll do as I say." At that moment, Hakkai couldn't help but wonder what Sanzo would say about this. The monk would probably be too shocked to say a word, or possibly the Smith and Wesson would make an appearance.

Even as Hakkai pondered it, he knew there was to be no backing out.

The silence was bated and stretched on for countless moments. Finally, Goku opened his mouth, closed it again. Then he shifted, turning over and crawling onto the mattress on his hands and knees so that he was leaning over the width of the bed, head towards the wall.

Hakkai crossed the room.

"Hakkai?" It wasn't to get his attention; Goku already had that and he knew it. It was unsure, wary, and there was a slight breathlessness to Goku's voice that was discernable. Nervous, and beneath that - excited.

"Tell me once again what you want from me." Stopping beside the bed, Hakkai silently cursed how weak his voice had come out. But there was to be no mistake.

Goku let his head relax on his shoulders, dropping his gaze to the blankets. "I wanted - want. I want you to discipline me. I was… I'm really sorry for making you angry before." Hakkai didn't need to see to know Goku was blushing furiously now - it was readable in his tone. "I should be told off."

Hakkai could only stare at Goku's bent posture, hear the agitation in his voice. "Yes, all right," he managed. Would it be worth trying to turn him away? After the deep sincerity Goku had offered tonight, after what he had admitted to Hakkai? "Goku, I want to help you, though I'm no Sanzo. I can't replace him, do you understand?"

Goku nodded, but didn't say anything in response. He kept his head lowered.

Hakkai chewed on his lower lip for a second. If you're going to do this for him, then do it fairly - to the best of your abilities. He reached out and pushed the hem of Goku's t-shirt up his back a little way. The knobs of his spine rose beneath the tanned skin, leading down and disappearing beneath the waist of his jeans. Hakkai ignored the winding sensation in his stomach and caught hold of that waistband, tugging it down. The jeans already hung low on Goku's hips and with a slight encouragement they slipped further, over the fleshy rise of his rump.

Hakkai swallowed thickly at the same time Goku let out a shaking breath. He rearranged himself on the bed, silent and obviously trying to maintain his composure.

There was no easy way to begin. Hakkai rolled up his shirt sleeves to the elbows, only vaguely aware of how unsteady his hands were becoming. He turned slightly on the spot so that he was standing at an angle.

The first blow rang out starkly in the silence. Goku's faint "Oh!" followed like an echo. Hakkai didn't smack him too hard, not at first, and he timed the hits a couple of seconds apart, aiming them to the fleshiest part of Goku's bottom.

The "Oh!"s gradually rose in pitch, and in length. To Hakkai, it almost sounded like moans, although that was absurd - Goku wanted to be told off for his behaviour, he didn't want to get off on it.

Smack!

The bronzed skin began to take on a slightly rosy glow. Hakkai wetted his lips, landed another steady blow.

Smack!

The skin of Goku's arse was firm over the muscle beneath. Hakkai's hand started to feel hot. He could only imagine how it felt for Goku.

Smack!

The sounds - the gasps and those strange little throaty cries - were coming more frequently now. Goku no longer sounded surprised by the blows, and Hakkai wondered if he should be concerned about that. Something unnamed compelled him to take a step closer to the bed, until his knees were pressed against the edge. Something tight and unbidden coiled in his stomach, snake-like and persistent.

Smack!

That was definitely a groan he heard. No doubt about it. Heavens.

Smack!

Hakkai's hand started to sting. Goku's bottom was decidedly red-tinted now and it was apparent he'd had enough. Carefully running his fingertips over the rise of flesh, Hakkai rubbed small circles that grew progressively larger, injecting the vaguest hint of chi as he moved - a fine layer to soothe the heated skin.

His mouth was dry and he ignored the fact that he was half-hard. It had been too long since he'd had any kind of physical contact - at least, the kind that wasn't a fight for his life, he qualified. He wasn't entirely human, but he had a human's wants and needs, all the same.

Hakkai told himself that firmly as he stared down at the panting young man on his bed. Goku's back rose and fell rapidly from the exertion of holding himself up and he seemed unsteady. He let out a rough rhythm of noises, ragged gasps, and a couple of swears.

Once Hakkai was satisfied Goku would be able to sit down without too much discomfort, he drew his hand away and tugged Goku's jeans back up to cover the reddened patch. Pulling his t-shirt down - which was damp now, Hakkai noticed - he patted Goku on the back.

"All right. Can you rise?"

"Um," Goku said awkwardly, between breaths. "Can you… could you just let me go. Turn away, uh…"

Hakkai stared at the back of his head for a moment, as it dawned on him what Goku was so worried he'd see. Well, Goku was a person with needs and certain reactions, too. Some people enjoyed … the strangest things. There was no way Goku could've known, any more than Hakkai had.

So, he'd been right after all. Those moans, they'd not been entirely from the sting. Hakkai's stomach twisted up and he turned away, going over to the window and closing it.

"Of course." He found as he stared at the blank glass and the darkness beyond that his own breath wasn't steady, either - the erratic smear of condensation against the windowpane only proved it.

Bedsprings squeaked in the quiet. Footsteps padded over to the door. The hinges whined as the door was opened. Extra light spilled into the room from the lamps outside in the corridor.

"Thanks, Hakkai. I… I appreciate it."

"Sleep," he whispered, quite sure Goku was already gone. He didn't add the 'well'.

He wondered if either of them would sleep at all, let alone whether it would be a comfortable one.

* * *

The next day when Goku surfaced for breakfast, his mumbled "Morning" wasn't nearly as enthusiastic as usual. As he slid into his seat, Hakkai caught the faintest flash of a wince.

Unable to process the fact that he'd done that to Goku, Hakkai stared down at his toast and managed one more bite.

The newspaper was delivered to their table and Goku snatched it up quickly, ignoring Gojyo's jibe about becoming "more and more like a certain someone I won't mention outright".

Sanzo.

Hakkai tried very hard not to blame the monk for this turn of events. After all, post-Seiten Taisei, Sanzo hadn't known Goku would react to his departure in quite a way. This was the longest time they'd been apart since they had met, to Hakkai's knowledge.

Hakkai also doubted Sanzo would've pegged him as the calm to Goku's inner storm. The youkai had been just as surprised when Goku knocked on his door and made his appeal.

What worried Hakkai more was his reaction to the punishment. He had wanted to teach Goku a lesson, give him some boundaries and make clear the consequences if those boundaries were crossed. Though spanking him raw? No, that hadn't been his intention. Getting aroused by it? Definitely not - what on earth was happening to him?

Though now, Hakkai believed he'd honoured the promise he'd made to Goku.

As Hakkai excused himself and headed out for his second shower that morning, he silently hoped it was enough. If he could push aside everything that had transpired for now, they would be on the road again in no time and there would be too many distractions for Hakkai to ponder the issue further.

"What's going on, man?" Gojyo asked him later that day, as they climbed the steep rise that lead to the only shop in town. Since they would be leaving in twenty-four hours, it was time for supplies.

"Going on?" Hakkai asked breezily, although he knew Gojyo wasn't stupid.

"You and the monkey were awful quiet over breakfast. Something up?" A red eyebrow rose in question. Hakkai waved Gojyo off.

"He's missing Sanzo, you know that." It wasn't a lie - Goku really was. That was what caused the whole mess in the first place. "He just needs someone to spend time with."

"Huh," said Gojyo, fiddling with his lighter. The flame wouldn't ignite properly in the nippy, moist mountain air. "I guess so. Him and that pissy bastard were practically attached at the hip. Until Sanzo-sama went and fucked off and left us to pick up the pieces."

"Well, after what happened to Goku, can you really blame him?" Hakkai reached over and plucked the lighter from Gojyo's hands. He flicked his thumb across the flint and the flame reared up. "Wouldn't you do the same thing for me?" he added as a joke.

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Careful there, man. If someone hears, they might start to talk." He waggled his eyebrows, then bent his head to the flame and ignited his cigarette. "Whatever it is you're doing to help," he said as he blew out a stream of smoke that was almost indistinguishable from the condensation of their breath, "more power to you. Anything to get the monkey's mind off baldy."

Hakkai slipped the lighter into Gojyo's pocket with a smile, and no more was said on the matter.

* * *

Hakkai was tempted not to answer the knock at his door late the following evening. He was almost certain he knew who it was, but then - should he chance it? It might be the innkeeper. It could be important.

The knock came again, three quick raps.

"I'll be there in a second," he called, setting his book down. The only thing that had taken his mind off things had been 'The Many Everyday Uses of Sleight of Hand', and only because Hakkai had forced himself to concentrate on it.

He crossed his room and opened the door, unsurprised to find a pair of wide brown eyes staring up at him.

"Hey," said Goku, hands thrust in his jeans pockets. He was hunched a little, his cheeks suffused a copperish tinge.

"Hello." Hakkai pursed his mouth briefly. "Are you all right?"

Goku nodded. "Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks and all. For what you did? Yeah. Thanks."

Hakkai's good sense was clawing at him to not do what he was about to do, but the hope in Goku's eyes got the better of him. "Would you like to come in?" That same hope flared at Hakkai's question, and Goku's shoulders relaxed.

"I thought you were mad at me." He crossed the threshold, breezing past Hakkai like a miniature tornado - full of energy Goku himself probably wasn't aware of. Hakkai couldn't deny, Goku seemed more like his old self, rather than the brooding young man of recent times.

Hakkai tutted as he closed the door. "Of course not. Although I hope you've taken something from what happened and applied it to your every day routine."

A nod. A firm nod.

Thank the heavens.

"Yeah. It feels… more bearable, somehow." Goku turned a brilliant smile at him. "I had seconds at dinner."

"I noticed." Hakkai couldn't help returning a smile at that. It seemed that Goku's appetite was slowly returning to normal, too. "That's good. Well, for us, not necessarily the innkeeper."

Goku laughed. "I guess so." He looked away and bit the inside of his cheek. Hakkai could see where the outer skin was indented slightly.

This wasn't going as well as Hakkai had first surmised. He approached the next question with as much care as possible. After all, there was really no point allowing the awkward silence to run on, as it dawned on him that the matter was not quite closed.

"Goku, is there anything else you need from me?"

Goku had the decency not to feign surprise as he looked over at Hakkai. The room seemed suddenly very small indeed, and Goku's eyes seemed very bright in the lamplight.

"You can speak freely. I won't laugh or tell anyone."

"I know." Goku took a breath, let his hands slip from his pockets to hang limply at his sides. The material of his t-shirt was creased and his hair was standing up more than usual, almost like he'd been restlessly lying on it recently. "It felt kind of good," he finally blurted, his cheeks colouring dark. He then stuttered quickly, "I mean, not to take away the fact that you were helping me deal. It's not that - I really, really appreciate it! I was just so…"

"Aroused," Hakkai finished for him.

Goku nodded solemnly.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens."

"Like the sleepwalking?"

"Yes, like the sleepwalking. You can't help your body's natural reaction to certain… stimulations. And quite often, people aren't even aware of their own buttons, nor expect it when those buttons are pressed."

Goku blew out a breath. "I think I get ya."

Hakkai moved over to the bed and sat down, well aware that he wasn't being entirely truthful to Goku. He himself had been turned on by the spanking, there was no escaping that fact. The feeling of control, the curve of firm flesh, the pretty rosy tint to Goku's dark skin, the physical closeness, the trust, the moans. Hakkai cleared his throat.

When he looked up, Goku had moved closer. He was staring down at Hakkai with a slight frown. It was rare that Hakkai had the lower ground and at that moment it seemed as if he was being examined closely.

Something in Goku's expression seemed familiar. Hakkai had a fair guess at what Goku was trying to say in that look. He knew it wasn't a good idea to indulge, even if it was dressed up as a way to fulfil the genuine need in Goku - to be disciplined. It had passed beyond that now, morphed into something questionable.

But then, it was a chance for Hakkai to see how far he would go. To find out…

He closed his eyes.

To find out what he really wanted, whether he liked it because it was a form of control, or whether he simply liked being needed. It had been many years since Kanan. Many months since he felt inclined to take himself in his own hand, and even then it hadn't been particularly pleasurable - just necessity, really. Hell, he was practically asexual these days, the weight of the journey and all the many stresses it brought too close to the surface for any real, satisfying release.

Yet, the other night, with Goku, the stirrings he'd felt…

Hakkai leaned back, bracing his hands behind him on the bed to support his weight. He stared up at Goku levelly.

Goku didn't move. After a while, Hakkai realised he was going to have to prompt him. Or rather, give him a choice.

"If you need it, I'm here. If you don't, then Goku, please leave immediately." He clenched his jaw not to say anything else. He couldn't be more clear.

"I want to…" Goku went for his jeans buttons, tugging them out of their holes one by one. The material sagged, the only thing holding it up the sharp rise of his hipbones. Hakkai leaned back further, making his intent obvious.

It only took five seconds before Goku moved around to stand beside him. He then dropped down to his knees and pressed his torso across Hakkai's legs. Goku was breathing heavily now, his heartbeat a wild thump Hakkai could feel through his thighs. It sounded like the younger man was experiencing that same mix of anticipation, fear and excitement from before. Slowly, carefully, Goku moved forward, until he was hanging over the other side of Hakkai's legs, hands braced against the floorboards.

From there, Hakkai had a view of the arch of Goku's back, the slant of his hips, the strip of skin where t-shirt and jeans didn't quite meet. He smoothed the cotton up again, over the expanse of golden-brown back.

The jeans were next. Now undone, they slid much easier over Goku's arse. Hakkai got them all the way down to upper thigh, before the material got caught where Goku was leaning against him. It was good enough - he didn't need to draw them any further.

The curve of Goku's bottom was still stained a very faint rose from the previous spanking, though it looked a lot less angry than before. Hakkai knew he would have to think things through this time, as the last thing he wanted was to cause any lasting marks on Goku's body.

"Are you ready?"

A silence, long as two heartbeats. "Yeah." Goku's muscles visibly clenched. Hakkai doubted it would do any good to tell him to relax.

At this angle, he could position the blows much more freely. Instead of aiming for the pinkish spot on Goku's left arsecheek, he went for the right - which brought forth a stifled "uhn!" - then higher up - which made Goku flinch and draw in a harsh breath - before moving down towards his thigh. With his other hand, Hakkai worked on smoothing over the skin in the interim between hits.

It was on the fourth slap that Goku barked out a cry that was all encouragement.

Dear sweet heavens, Hakkai thought, exhaling a long, low breath. Goku proceeded to wriggle slightly on his lap, and oh, that was a bad move. There was no mistaking the rise of his cock within his jeans, pressed hard to Hakkai's leg.

Things had irrevocably moved beyond just discipline. Goku wasn't after a firm hand or a reprimand, not this time. He was answering a question about himself.

Just like Hakkai was.

They were using each other, both of them committing the same crime. Yet, that didn't make Hakkai's hardening cock wilt one bit. The next blow landed right on the crease of Goku's arse.

It made a satisfying smack!

Hakkai felt as well as heard the groan, half pain, half pleasure, issuing from far below.

With his left hand, he stroked his fingertips up over the tender skin. Goku rotated his hips, gasped, then cried out with sudden impact of the next blow.

"Unn! Feels so… so!" The next smack cut his words off and made his now fully erect cock twitch noticeably against Hakkai's leg.

It was so inherently wrong. Hakkai wondered if there was any way of stopping. As Goku shifted again on his lap - raising his lower half as best he could, the pressure of his body alleviating and then intensifying against Hakkai's erection - he knew damn well there wasn't.

Smack!

"Huh! Ohh…"

Goku's arse was taking on a raw tinge. It was enough - the pain in his voice was starting to outweigh the pleasure. Even if it had been for discipline, Hakkai would have stopped there, before he went too far.

"Goku, that's enough."

Goku let out a groan of mortification.

"Here, come on. Sit up." Hakkai helped the younger man as he struggled to gain purchase on the floor. It was awkward, Goku's body was hot and sweaty beneath the thin cotton of his t-shirt. His face was flushed dark and his lower lip was sore from where he'd bitten it, wet from where he'd licked it. He immediately turned and threw his arms around Hakkai's neck, burying his face into the juncture at his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He straddled Hakkai's legs, pressing their groins together in a breath-stealing surge of sensation.

"It's okay," Hakkai grated, sure it was a lie, but he was unable to ponder it, or the consequences of his words.

Goku thrust against him once hard, then a second time with a resounding groan that just repeated and repeated in Hakkai's ears. He realised, when he caught the yeasty scent of come, why Goku had been making so much noise.

Hakkai had to close his eyes then, take a harsh breath. He could feel nothing but the hard press of Goku's body, desperately clinging to him, thrumming with release and unfathomable power.

Hakkai closed his fingers in Goku's t-shirt, twisting the damp material as he bucked his hips upward. He inhaled sweat and come and something fundamentally Goku: the earth, wet rock, raked mud and raw energy. Hakkai choked on a groan and came soundly; riding a string of intense waves as he dirtied his underwear and his abdomen with slick, wet heat.

Tremors rolled from the base of his spine and within his stomach, his balls twitched as his cock sputtered through the gentler aftershocks. He took a moment to calm his ragged breathing, vaguely aware that it had been countless long nights since he'd reached an orgasm as intense.

He wanted to collapse on the bed, but there was something holding him up. Holding him tight.

Goku sniffed, still trembling.

The come-down was harsh, a sharp jolt to Hakkai's system as reality hit. "Are you all right? Goku?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay." Goku finally relented his vice-like grip and Hakkai found he could breathe freely again. The smell of them combined in the air was intoxicating. Hakkai doubted he'd forget that any time soon.

Goku wiped his face with the back of his hand, then looked at Hakkai searchingly.

"I know you won't make a big deal out of that."

Hakkai nodded at him. It would go no further. Ever.

"And I won't either. I promise."

"I know," Hakkai assured him. He removed his monocle and was unsurprised to find it had steamed up. Goku let out a short laugh at Hakkai's amused frown. It relieved some of the tension that was threatening to strike. Hakkai sobered, though, and added, "Goku, I think it's best you don't require any more discipline from now on."

Goku nodded at him slowly. "I think you're right." He sighed, still a little breathless, and managed to get to his feet, stepping away from Hakkai. "I still miss him, but I don't want to mess up our - mine and yours, I mean - our... You know."

"I know." Hakkai did. They were friends. A strange mix of friends, but friends nevertheless. When you put your life on the line with someone day in and day out, there's nothing else you can be. Even begrudging friends like Gojyo and Sanzo couldn't deny it in their deepest, most honest recesses.

"And… I'm not sure what I am." Goku bit his lower lip. "I mean, not sure if I like guys or…"

Now it was Hakkai's turn to feel his face flush with warmth. The fact that Goku could say that with such sincerity. "There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people feel the same way." He nodded, and then winked.

Goku grinned, then laughed.

"You'll find someone one day, you know. It's difficult for that sort of thing on a mission like ours, but that doesn't mean it'll always be difficult." Hakkai followed him to the door. "Because the mission can't last forever." He held the door open for Goku. "Will you sleep soundly?"

"I will. After a shower." Goku nodded resolutely, still grinning. His eyes were vaguely unfocused, a deep, rich brown in the lamplight. "Thanks. Again. Really - thanks. I'll be dead embarrassed in the morning! But ignore me, yeah?"

"Okay, I'll do my best." Hakkai bid him goodnight and let the door snick shut. He turned and leaned against the wood, body still warm, still tingling in the aftermath of orgasm.

A night of revelations, an unexpected mutual favour, with the unlikeliest person.

Yes, Hakkai realised with mild amusement, Goku wasn't the only one who had taken something away from their encounters, and for that Hakkai was oddly grateful.

* * *

"Oy, monkey, pass the fucking sauce before I put this fork in your head."

"Please don't issue death threats so early in the morning, Gojyo," Hakkai admonished, chipping away at his boiled egg with his spoon. "We have a long day ahead of us."

Gojyo grumbled and stared pointedly at Goku.

"Aaah, fine!" Goku tossed the bottle of soy sauce to Gojyo. "Quit your yapping, kappa!"

"You runt, don't tell me what to do."

"Really, both of you, if you're going to be this insufferable in the car I might have to leave you on the side of the road."

"You wouldn't!" Goku smiled at him.

"He so would." Gojyo tipped the bottle, not looking up, then cursed loudly when the lid came away and most of the soy sauce splashed onto his plate.

Goku snorted.

"Fuck's sake!" The red-head pushed his plate away and drew out a cigarette irritably. "It's all your fault, monkey."

"Uh-uh." Goku shook his head, finishing up his last sausage. "You always say I only have one brain cell, but I reckon you lost your last one ages ago."

"Jeez, can you believe the shit this guy comes out with?" Gojyo turned to Hakkai, raising an incredulous fiery eyebrow at him. Hakkai could tell Gojyo was almost impressed with Goku's retort, even though Hakkai knew he would never admit it. "Sounds more like that pissy git every day, I tell you."

Hakkai saw the change in Goku then, at the mention of Sanzo. He shifted his foot under the table, nudging Goku's boot.

Goku glanced at him, his smile not faltering. "Actually you guys, I have to talk to ya about that."

"Huh? About what?" Gojyo asked, though Hakkai had a feeling he knew what was coming. He could almost see it in Goku's face. His smile - it was mellower, that smile of peace he always got when he looked at Sanzo.

"About Sanzo," Goku replied. "I'm gonna go get him."

"What?" Gojyo huffed. "You're crazy. I thought we already spoke about this. We're gonna beat him to India, yeah? Rub his smug Buddhist face in the fact that we got there first."

"You know what, I wanted to do that. Really did," Goku said, looking down at his empty plate. "But I realised, I'd rather he was here. So I'm gonna go get him."

"What makes you think he'll listen to a word you say, monkey?"

"He probably won't." Goku stared at Hakkai as he spoke. "But that's not gonna stop me!"

Hakkai nodded. "I had a feeling you were going to say that."

"Damn persistent monkey. He's gonna beat your head in with that fucking fan of his, you know."

"Yeah, well, I'm used to that." Goku raised an eyebrow at Gojyo.

"Che," Gojyo said, shaking his mane of red hair. "Good luck, man. You're gonna need it."

"I'll be back, you'll see. And Sanzo will be with me. And we'll all be together again, and we'll go and kick some youkai ass in India."

With such self-assured optimism like that, it was hard not to get swept up in it.

* * *

Outside, Hakkai packed their supplies in the back of Hakuryuu, who had transformed and was rumbling happily, raring to go. After six days of rest and revelation, everyone was itching to get moving again.

Goku joined him, a backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Which direction?" Hakkai asked him.

Goku turned and looked north. "That way. I'm gonna cross this mountain to the next one. I reckon that's where Sanzo headed with Hazel and Gat." He inhaled deeply the crisp air. "Yeah, I have a feelin' that's where he is."

"If in doubt, go with your gut." Hakkai nodded. "A wise choice. Take care."

Goku hitched his bag up. "You too. And Gojyo - tell him to be safe."

Hakkai secured the bundle of supplies with a spare belt strap, then dusted off his hands, turning to Goku. "I'll tell him. He'll miss you."

"Hah, well I said me and Sanzo would come find you." He looked at Hakkai seriously. "I meant that."

Hakkai had not noticed until now how much Goku had grown, how far he'd come during their mission. Maybe when he saw Goku again - and Sanzo - they would be even more different. Maybe he and Gojyo would be, too.

A week of revelations was enough to change a man.

"Catch ya later, Hakkai." Goku started walking, heading onto the mountain path, due north.

"See you soon," Hakkai replied, as the wind picked up and twisted his words due west.

~Fin~