What Doesn't Kill


Author : lillypuff 

Email: lilly_puff22 (at) yahoo (dot) com

LiveJournal: http://lillypuff.livejournal.com

Pairing : Cho Hakkai x Sha Gojyo

Theme : (30Kisses) Kappa List (Water) - #10, Anchor

Rating : PG-13

Warning(s) : spoilers to Hakkai & Gojyo's pasts (on the off chance you don't know it already), language, some mention of sex, very brief mention of incest

Summary : pre relationship Gojyo & Hakkai (pre journey), Gojyo's POV
Finding Nirvana

Disclaimer : Sadly, Saiyuki does not belong to me. I wish it did =) Don't sue me, I don't have any money anyway.


Random Notes: 1 down 29 to go for this pairing. Couldn't resist giving Gojyo/Hakkai a whirl under the 30Kisses Kappa (as in the Greek letter, not the water sprite lol) alternate list. Instead of a kiss, the stories for the Kappa list have to involve water at some point…yeah, like I said, couldn't pass it up. I'm already working on the next fic which is the same night this takes place on, but from Hakkai's POV and of course covering a different theme on the list (the fic is now done, it's called Finding Nirvana).




It's raining again and I don't even have to look outside to know it. I don't have to hear it hit the roof either. I can feel it as if I was standing out in it, but I'm only staring at it through a closed window. Looking. Watching. Waiting.


He's not home yet, and that worries me. I had a feeling it would rain today and I think Hakkai did too. I expected him to be back long before it started but he wasn't. I wanted to see him sitting on the couch lost in thought or sitting at the window staring at the droplets of water that ran down the glass, much as I am now, but he isn't.


Don't get me wrong, I hate seeing him lost in the depression that always comes when it rains. But I'd rather have him here, safe from his demons, then out there alone. Besides, it's not just him I want to comfort, but myself as well. Sure, that's a bit selfish, but we all have our moments.


No, the rain doesn't bother me. Hell, I found him in the rain. To me the rain is a second chance, for him and for me. I wish he could see it that way, but all it does is remind him of what he's lost and what he has become. Sometimes I wish I could just slap him and tell him to forget his past, to start the fuck over, but if that's not the pot calling the kettle black, then I don't know what is. 


Right now though I just want him to come back. I just want to see him, to know that he is ok. If he is ok, then I will be ok.


I'm sure some shrink would say I have abandonment issues, and I would probably agree with him even while I was telling him to fuck off, but sometimes I think it runs deeper then that. Yeah, I lost a lot when I was a kid…dad, mom, Jien, all in different ways but it all hurt the same. 


Jien hurt the worst. He had taken mom to his bed to keep her away from me and in the end he had killed her to protect me…and then he just walked away. My brother, my friend, the guy I looked up to and…loved…left me. I sat at the window of our house and watched and waited just like I'm doing now, but he never came back. And from then on I drifted. Town to town, bar to bar, brothel to brothel. I was just a kid but I kept pushing on, with nowhere to go, nowhere to be. I hated it and loved it all the same. Freedom like that is any kid's dream, but near starvation, desperation, and the feeling of being so out of control that you'd rather die in your sleep then wake up to face the next day is something no kid should ever have to face.


But hell, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Or maybe it just turns you into a whiney bitch when your roommate doesn't come home on time. Fuck if I know.


And now I'm starting to wonder if it's really Hakkai I want back…When I was on my own I thought all I wanted was to have Jien back. He had kept me safe. He made sure I didn't drift too far or do something too stupid to recover from. I felt good in those days, even when mom yelled at me and hit me and cursed me, because I knew he would make things better. If Jien hadn't been there to keep me anchored to reality, to my sanity, mom may have broken me long before she tried to kill me.


But now as the rain falls and streaks the window before me, I realize what it was I wanted most back then. No matter how much I loved, and still love, my brother, it was what he did for me that I loved, and needed, the most. He kept me from drifting beyond the point of no return.


Maybe thoughts of him where what kept me going all those years. Who knows, sometimes those days are nothing but a blur of booze, women and poker to me. Not that that is much different from my life now. But I do clearly remember no longer wanting to drift from place to place. I was tired and I'd had enough. I started renting this crappy little house when I had enough poker winnings and here I stayed and waited.


And while I waited I played poker and I drank and I fucked. I made enemies and friends. More of the former then the latter; the friends I usually make don't really stick around more then a night or two. 


And then one rainy night the waiting ended. As I carried Hakkai's soaked, bleeding body into my house I felt a weight settle upon me again and the first time I stared into his eyes after he had awoken from his long, deep sleep I felt the world shift back into place. Even though I had been in this town a couple years, I knew that it was only then that I had truly stopped drifting.


And now here I sit watching as the rain falls from the sky wondering if it's the feeling that I love, or the man. To my surprise though, I find that my question is quickly answered.


I can see him walking towards the house and every step closer to home he takes makes my heart beat faster. I want to run out and meet him but I can't move. I have to laugh at myself for that…that wasn't the kind of anchor I was looking for. So I just sit and watch him walk and when he reaches the short walkway to our front door he looks up at me as I peer through the front window. He smiles and I smile back, he knows I've been waiting for him. 


I can finally move again and I run to grab some towels to help dry him off when he gets in. As I am gathering them I can't hold back the butterflies in my stomach and I now realize that as much as I love the feeling, I love the man more.


And I know that when he enters the house I will bundle him in the towels and I will take him in my arms. I will thank him even though he doesn't know what I am thanking him for and I will hold him there until the pain goes away, for him…and for me.

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