Email: lilly_puff22 (at) yahoo (dot) com
Pairing: Sha Gojyo x Cho Hakkai
Theme: (30Kisses) Kappa List (Water) - #24, Drowning
Completed: 9 of 30
Rating: R (just to be safe)
Warning(s): slightly dark, fairly angsty, some mild violence
Summary: I'm drowning again, not in water, but in anger and rage and blood. Most of all though, I am suffocating in my fear…
Disclaimer: Sadly, Saiyuki does not belong to me. I wish it did =) Just having some fun. Don't sue me, I don't have any money anyway.
Random Notes: Um, I'm not sure what to say about this, so I guess I'll just say this is Hakkai's POV, pre journey and obviously from some of the events recalled in this piece it is post Burial Arch. Yeah, this kind of came out of nowhere, forgive me if it sucks ;)
I always thought dreams were supposed to be an escape, your own little world in which you ran around while your body rested from the toils of the day. My dreams were never like that. Gonou's were once, I can remember them sometimes - the simple joy, the relief from rest after a hard day spent teaching restless children, the feel of a warm body next to him as he slept.
His dreams were a peaceful escape; but my dreams, they are not, they serve only to remind me of what I had and what I lost and sometimes what I can never hope to obtain.
My dreams taunt me and laugh at me and spit in my face like bullies on a playground. They conjure images to remind that I am a monster, not a man; and that the only way I know how to protect is by killing. But how else am I going to protect the ones I love?
Sometimes, as I am drifting into sleep, I think I might get a night's reprieve from the terror that haunts me behind my eyes, but eventually they always come. Like the undertow that hides below the waves they are waiting to pull me under when I least expect it, trying to drown me in my memories…
Memories of the woman I loved, the woman I killed for. The woman who would rather take her own life then give birth to a monster. But life, and death, is cruel sometimes. In the end, her sacrifice only paved the way for a different sort of monster to be born, one that was fully grown and mad as hell.
Thankfully, time jumps and skips around when you are dreaming. One dead body become ten, ten becomes one hundred and before I know it, mister nine hundred and ninety-nine is lying at my feet and I am waiting patiently for the unlucky bastard who is about to become my last.
And while I wait I realize that I am no longer in a cold dark castle but a warehouse lit with a sickly yellow light and instead of bodies strewn on the floor there is only one and it's not dead, the curses coming from the man's mouth are evidence of that.
I know this man and my stomach turns on itself at the sight of a gun held to his head. He is loyal to a fault and that loyalty is what got him in this mess in the first place. He gave his trust to a so called friend, even though he knew that friend would likely stab him in the back. And even though he's staring death in the face, he still has time to ask my why I'm here; but its ok, I know he has trouble admitting when he needs help. Who doesn't?
And so I help him the only way I know how. Claws tear through flesh and I am seeing red, literally and figuratively. I'm drowning again, not in water, but in anger and rage and blood. Most of all though, I am suffocating in my fear.
And then I'm sitting up in the bed he and I share, the one that's too small for two people but feels so damn big and empty when he's out all night playing poker. I'm gasping for air and coughing, almost expecting to cough up a lungful of water, or worse, blood; and I can feel him sitting up beside me, running a protective hand gently up and down my back.
He's whispering to me, mostly soothing nonsense words, trying to relax me, telling me it was just a dream and that everything's alright. I almost laugh at that, because these dreams aren't just dreams, they are my past and they make up who I am. But I don't tell him that, because he's just trying to help and in the end, it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
Eventually his soothing voice and his gentle hands have me relaxed and breathing normal again and once I convince him I'm alright we lay back down. He turns away from me to lie facing the wall, like he always does, though now he lies a little closer then before. I feel his body heat and I want to move nearer to him. I want to reach out and run my fingers through his long red hair and bury my face in at the base of his neck.
I want to tell him to hold me until I fall asleep again; but I can't and I won't because I'm afraid the day will come when I will have to protect him again…
And I only know one way to protect the ones I love.