Finding Nirvana


Author : lillypuff 

Email: lilly_puff22 (at) yahoo (dot) com


Pairing : Cho Hakkai x Sha Gojyo

Theme : (30Kisses) Kappa List (Water) - #18, Salvation

Completed: 2 of 30

Rating : Older Teen/PG-13

Warning(s) : nothing major, some light angst, spoilers to Hakkai's past (on the off chance you don't know it already)

Summary : pre relationship Gojyo & Hakkai (pre journey), Hakkai's POV

Parallels : What Doesn't Kill

Disclaimer : Sadly, Saiyuki does not belong to me. I wish it did =) Don't sue me, I don't have any money anyway.


Random Notes: This is the "other side" of What Doesn't Kill. The same rainy night, this time from Hakkai's POV. I realize that this might sound like in one night Hakkai has convinced himself to move on, but really, he hasn't, he's just taking the first steps down a very long road.




The Buddhists believe that all life is suffering. I wonder if this is what they had in mind.



The scar on my stomach pulses with the steady beat of the rainfall. Each drop of rain on my bare skin reminds me of the drops of blood that fell. Hers, mine, theirs. We all bled that night over a year ago. And as the rain falls, so does the blood fall in my mind. A constant reminder of what I've done, what I've become, what I've lost…


I realize now how foolish I had been after the Sambutsushin allowed me to start over. I had hoped that in becoming Cho Hakkai I could leave Cho Gonou behind and in leaving him behind I would leave the memories behind as well. I guess for the most part I have, but on these rainy nights he comes back with a vengeance and I've learned it is easier to let him out for awhile then to hold him back. 


But tonight is different, tonight I am trying to hold him back as I walk on in the rain. I am walking towards the same thing I walked towards that night, the only difference is that then I didn't know what it was. But I know now…Gojyo is waiting for me. The thought of him sitting in that little house wondering where I am makes me smile despite how horrible I feel right now.



The Buddhists believe that suffering is born of desire. I want Kanan back, that is undeniable



I loved her and love her still… 


…I failed her once and the price I paid was her life. I would do anything to be able to go back and try to save her, and if I couldn't, I'd kill them all again…


See, it's hard for me to keep him back sometimes. I am his doorway and the rain is his key. He comes and goes as he pleases.


Sometimes it's nice to have someone who can relate on the same level. I mean, he is me after all. But as much as we are each other, the similarity does end eventually. Indeed our suffering is born from the same moment, when Kanan ventured from this mortal coil to a place we could not follow. Gonou wants nothing more then to have her back and I...well, I used to feel the same. Now though, I want nothing more then to forget the pain.



The Buddhists believe that to find salvation, to reach Nirvana, one must eliminate suffering. To eliminate suffering, one must eliminate desire.



I used to think that moving on would be betraying her, but by not moving on I am betraying myself. I made the choice not to follow her and yet I still walk through life as a ghost.


Gojyo told me once that the past is the past and one can either move on and learn from it or fall victim to it. He is rarely so profound and I've begun to take the words to heart even if the man himself doesn't exactly practice what he preaches. He understands me quite well, perhaps even better then Gonou does.


Will Kanan understand if I moved on? Gonou won't, but that's a demon I will face later. And I suppose that if he never forgets I never will either. And really, that's OK. Once I can let her go, remembering her won't be so bad. 


I long for the day that remembering her won't be like suffering the tortures of the damned, when remembering her will be nice.


In the distance I see the little house that Gojyo and I share.




Gojyo, who would probably disappear in a sea of trash if I wasn't there to clean up. Gojyo, who had picked me up soaked in mud and blood. Gojyo, who had saved my life and watched over me. A man that was screaming on the inside just as much as I was. Perhaps we called out to each other that night. Perhaps it is our pain that keeps us together now. 


The lights are on, but I wouldn't have expected anything else, even if he isn't playing mother hen right now, it's far too early for him to sleep.


As I near the house, I begin to wonder if he really is sitting there waiting. I want him to be there but that doesn't mean he will be. I want the looks that pass between us to mean something. I want the tender smiles and the unspoken words to stand for something. If they do, then perhaps there is hope for both of us, perhaps there can be peace.


I lower my head as I get closer to the walkway that leads to the door. I could say it was to shield myself from the rain, but I know it's just to protect myself from what I might not see.


When I reach the beginning of the cracked path I slowly raise my head and never in a million years would I have been able to hold back the smile that now spreads across my face. Gojyo is sitting at the window, as I thought he would be, and he is smiling too.


I resume my walk to the front door, wondering what this means for us. Wondering what this means for Gonou, for Kanan, for myself. When I open the front door I see Gojyo standing there, towels draped over his arms, a look mixed with joy and sadness on his face and I know what it all means; something is ending and something is beginning.


Gojyo begins to wrap me in the towels and while I know it would be better if I exchanged wet clothes for dry ones first, I do not stop him. His touch is firm, yet gentle. The look on his face is scolding yet kind. His eyes are on fire…and he is whispering in my ear…he is thanking me. I nod my reply. I may not know exactly what he's thanking me for, but I have a feeling I've got plenty of time to find out. 


I can feel Gojyo's strong arms wrapping around me as I close my eyes and take in his warmth. I can hear his heart beating as I nuzzle my head against his chest. I can feel his breath upon me as he rests his cheek against my forehead. 


And for the moment, all else is forgotten. Gonou, Kanan, the rain, the blood. For now they are quiet...   



The path to enlightenment, to Nirvana, is long and arduous, but even the longest roads must start somewhere.



Perhaps it is here in Gojyo's arms that my journey is beginning. 


Perhaps it is here that I find salvation.

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