Pairings: Goku/Sanzo Goku/Homura
Summary: Goku was tortured by Homura. How will Sanzo deal with the aftermath?
Disclaimer: I only wish I owned it.
E-mail: Hekmari [at] gmail [dot] com
WARNING! Hard-core abuse, rape, angst
Comment: Please don't hate me for the abuse I deal to the characters. Feed back is always appreciated.
Sanzo, Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku sat around a table at an inn. An inn, in a town, in a country side, that was almost exactly like every other inn, town, and countryside that they'd been through on this god forsaken quest.
Dinner was on the table, and booze filled every cup, but the mood was subdued. Quiet had become the new theme of journey, but it was never more noticeable than at meal times. Once, Goku and Gojyo would fight over every scrap of food that wasn't already on someone's plate (and of course, some that was), and Sanzo would yell at them, shooting his gun, and Hakkai would chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Now words were barely spoken, and they were only spoken by the kappa and the healer, light conversation dying every time it was attempted. Sanzo hardly spoke in more than grunts these days, and Goku only spoke when spoken to.
Well, supposedly you could hold a conversation with Goku, but after the first few times of trying to talk to him, the last two members of the party found his eerie silence better than the half-responses and unthinking agreements to everything that was said.
Everyone began eating. Well, almost. Sanzo ate as sparingly as always, drinking heavily. And Goku sat waiting. It was Gojyo who noticed the saru wasn't moving to take helpings of food for himself. "Hey, Sanzo."
Bleary violet eyes rose from the rim of his cup.
Gojyo jerked his head in the saru's direction. "If you keep forgetting, he'll waste away."
Sanzo gazed at the youth for a long minute, before closing his eyes. "You may begin eating, Goku. Keep going until you're full, then stop." Along with having to actually give permission to the saru to eat, this was another condition he'd had to figure out. Telling him to eat with no further instructions resulted in the boy either eating hardly nothing, or eating until he was sick. How much to eat had to be specified.
Goku bowed his head, then began piling food onto his plate, albeit with less enthusiasm than he would have before…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hakkai closed the door to the room he was sharing with Gojyo. The kappa lay back against the pillows propped up at the head of the left bed.
"Man, this is getting old." Red hair flung across the pillow as the half-breed tossed his head back. "Goku's a fucking zombie and Sanzo's…. broken I guess is the only way to say it."
"I would have to agree with you." Green eyes gazed at the water sprite. "Though it's more like Goku's broken, and Sanzo is breaking. It's the strain of trying to piece Goku back together."
"Whatever it is, I'm getting sick of it. I want things to go back to the way they were."
"I don't think they ever will, Gojyo."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sanzo sat in the only chair in the room, next to the crappy wooden table that served both as a desk and place to take private meals. Goku sat cross legged on the bed where he'd left him. Two empty sake bottles lay on the floor next to the monk, and he downed the last of what was left in his cup.
Time for him to try. Again. For weeks, he'd been trying. Trying to heal the saru, trying break the training that had been ingrained in the boy. He felt like he was drowning. He was miserable. How could he fix the one he loved when he was so broken? He'd imagined in his head that when he got Goku back, he'd tell him he loved him, show him that he cared. That maybe this realization would start breaking the hold that Homura's training held over him.
But Goku knew already. When Sanzo had told him back in the castle, and Goku said he already knew, but that it didn't matter anymore, the monk had almost given up right there. But he was stubborn, and refused to give up on his monkey. Sanzo had believed, after Goku came after him, saved him from that fucking crazy war god, and killed the bastard with his bare hands, that Goku wasn't all gone. Maybe there was still hope. Maybe a piece of the saru was still there, buried under the weight of his conditioning. A piece that, with enough coaxing, would emerge and overcome the black tide, and that his old Goku would come back.
But now… so much time had passed. Sanzo hadn't been intimate with the boy at all. He'd been afraid that that would push his love over the edge, and the little piece would disappear. He'd just been close. Caring for him, trying to reach that little seed of personality with his love.
Tender wasn't really in his nature, but he'd been as close as he'd ever gotten during these weeks he'd been waiting for the boy to respond.
He must have patience.
Sighing, he rose from his seat and moved over to the bed. The jar of gunsmith's oil he'd used to clean his gun he place on the nightstand, along with the silver revolver. Even though he was miserable, he didn't want to be without his gun. The party had been ambushed in their rooms at night by youkai often enough that he wasn't taking chances. He looked down at Goku for what seemed an eternity, searching for some sign of change in the stoic demeanor. Finding no change, he sighed, taking off his robes and stripping down to his underwear.
"Get ready for bed."
The boy began removing his clothing, until he was left in his boxers. Then he lay down, facing the monk who was still standing at the side of the bed. The alcohol ran through Sanzo's blood, and a light flush colored his fair skin. He had to close his eyes. It was hard, seeing Goku laying there, in nothing but thin cotton shorts, so beautiful in the candle light. Sanzo felt his body beginning to respond, and he tried to force the need to ravish the boy out of his mind. He had this inner struggle five nights out of seven, and always mastered his desire, the thought of losing Goku forever helping to curb his body's appetites. But abstinence wasn't his strong suite, and his resolve was wearing down, especially since there seemed to be such a lack of progress. He was disgusted with himself. Out of all the things he loved about the boy, from his outgoing personality to his hyperactivity to his fighting spirit, only the body that had danced through his dreams at night remained.
Sanzo hated himself for the fact that he still wanted Goku, even though he was basically only a body. Was his love for the monkey so superficial that it didn't matter what was inside as long as the package was nice? The cool evening air flowed from the open window across his heated body, making him shiver. Even as he loathed himself, he still wanted to taste Goku on his lips. This was getting nowhere.
He climbed into bed behind the boy, golden eyes following his movements. He curled protectively around the still form, chest pressed against the tanned back, but careful to keep his lower body well away from contact with Goku. If the saru felt his erection, he'd assume that Sanzo wanted to fuck. Well, he did, but he wouldn't let himself until the monkey was back to normal. Last time he'd been unable to contain his arousal, Goku had practically tried rape him. Sanzo had almost given in, until he realized that the boy was just following an unspoken order to please his master. He'd slept in a bed separated from Goku for the next week, not wanting a repeat incident.
He knew he wouldn't be able to resist again.
He also knew that sleeping in the same bed with the boy tonight would probably be a bad idea, as his hormones weren't calming down. And even as he hated himself for doing it, he stayed, knowing that Goku would find out, and push him into a situation he'd regret when he wasn't so fucking horny. But he kept his dick form making contact, so he could lie to himself about how events turned out, keeping up the pretense that it hadn't been his intention.
Sanzo had decided after Homura's defeat, once they'd gotten back on the road, that Goku had been used to much for sex. Sanzo figured that close, intimate contact, in a loving, cuddling, non-sexual way would begin to show the saru that the priest didn't want him only for sex. Perhaps if he showed the boy that he wanted a relationship beyond fucking, that he wanted all the things that came with being partners, lovers, friends, that little piece of Goku would be nurtured and grow.
He held out the hope that it was maybe working, so other than that week of set-back, Sanzo didn't want to suddenly stop sleeping in the same bed as Goku. Even without sex, sleeping together was something lovers did, right? They slept in each other's arms, comforted by the other's presence, and warmth. So that's how these sleeping arrangement came about, and Sanzo wasn't about to change that. Having Goku in his arms every night helped ease the fears and nightmares that had plagued him.
It did not, however, do a damn bit of good for his libido.
Sanzo sighed and closed his eyes, trying to still his mind enough for the oblivion of sleep. It seemed like hours passed as he waited for sleep. Finally giving up, he opened his eyes.
He stood on a hill, rolling green meadows spread out before him. The grass was warm beneath his toes, and the mid-day sun warmed his face. Blue sky stretched forever above him, not a cloud in sight.
He heard as sound behind him and turned. Goku stood there in thin linen pants, and nothing else, a huge grin stretching across his face. His chest was unscarred, whole and bronze in the warm sunlight. His golden eyes danced with laughter, and his face was as happy and peaceful as when they'd left on their journey. Muscles rippled under his skin as he walked with lithe grace to stand beside the monk.
Sanzo's breath hitched, taken by the beauty of the youth, and also in the carefree manner in which he moved. Joy seemed to ooze from him in waves as powerful as the sunlight drenching the plains. Goku looked at him with unclouded love in his eyes, his grin softening into a tender smile. Neither spoke, just stood and gazed at each other. Goku reached out his hand, and Sanzo took it in his own.
Drawing the happy saru to him, the monk crushed him to his chest, pressing his lips to the youth's. The kiss was deep, thorough, and utterly satisfying, full of tongues and heat. Hands clutched and grouped, and gasps and moans echoed across the hill they were on. Sanzo's chest was so full of love it felt like it was going to split apart and pour out all over the one in his arms.
The arms wrapped tightly around his waist unwound, and began exploring his chest in a frenzy. Goku broke the kiss, bee-lining to Sanzo's throat, playing across the big pulse with his tongue and teeth, sucking little marks up to the surface. Electric shocks raced through Sanzo, settling into his groin. He'd been semi hard already, and now his cock blazed to life, throbbing and twitching in need. It pressed into Goku's stomach, and every time the boy moved it sent rippled of pleasure through his body. He felt an answering arousal pressed against his thigh, and he groaned out loud, tightening his arms around the saru.
Sanzo felt almost boneless with need, and he started to collapse, but Goku caught him before he hit the ground, strong arms supporting his full weight with ease. Gently lowered him to the warm grass. Caressed him with calloused fingers. Tears sprang unbidden to Sanzo's eyes, his heart constricting, at the look on Goku's face. Tender, shining, full of love, the youth's features were unmarred by harsh realities. Sanzo thought he'd never be able to see that kind of look on the saru's face again.
At that point, when he felt the first treacherous tear escape his violet eyes, Goku smiled at him, and with his characteristic impatience ripped the light robes off the monk. A dark light filled the saru's gaze, his impish grin turning devious as his eyes devoured the pale body beneath him. Sanzo's breath hitched as a pink tongue darted out of the boy's mouth to lick the lips he'd just been kissing.
Sanzo managed to get air back in his lungs before it whooshed out again as Goku's mouth descended, so near his cock he could feel moist heat of the boy's breath, ghosting down the length before pressing warm lips to his hip. Another groan forced it's way past his gritted teeth, his hips bucking up involuntarily.
Goku chuckled at his impatience, licking a wet line from left hip to right, and tracing designs across his slower stomach, deftly avoiding the straining member. Sanzo felt crazy, wanting that mouth around him, that tongue gliding along his sensitive shaft, instead of playing teasing games. Just before Sanzo raised his hand to Goku's hair, intending to end the sensual torture, golden eyes flicked up to his face, his tongue tracing the monk's belly button, and lifted his head.
Goku stared up at Sanzo, mouth parted slightly, a smile tugging to the corners of his mouth, eyes dancing with laughter. Still with his laughing eyes locked onto the monk's Goku lowered his head to the head of the engorged cock beneath him. His tongue flicked out, experimentally tasting the tip, the smile that hovered at the corners of his lips breaking across his face as he watched Sanzo's face flush and contort in pleasure.
Watching Sanzo closely, Goku opened his mouth wider, lowering over the member beneath him. The monk trembled, feeling the heat from the warm cavern over him, but Goku kept his mouth wide enough that all he felt was heat. He let go a frustrated grunt at the boy, and Goku gave a dark chuckle, looking thoroughly pleased with himself before closing his mouth around the monk's need.
The heat increased exponentially, slick, and Sanzo let out a strangled shout, eyes clenched shut. The sun seemed to blaze against his eyelids, and spots danced behind his closed eyes, flashes and darkness, and Goku sucked him long and slow. His breathing was ragged, he felt so close his balls ached. But this was his dream, and god damnit, it wouldn't be over with just a blow job. He forced his eyes open, vision blurry from clenching his eyes so tight, and all he saw were spots of light against a black background.
Knowing he was so close to going in the saru's mouth, he didn't wait for his eyes to adjust. Instead he sat up partially, reached down blindly, found Goku's head, and raised him up with a hand that urgently tangled in the saru's messy locks. He pulled the boy into another searing kiss, eyes closed again, reveling in the taste and feel of the mouth that had driven him crazy. He felt hands on his chest again, pressing, dragging fingertips across the skin and down his stomach, going lower. Felt those calloused hands grip him, felt muscled legs straddle him, felt himself being guided towards the place he longed for.
"No," Sanzo managed to gasp out. He was vaguely aware that the dreamscape had changed into night, and that they were on a bed. That was ok with him, it didn't matter where his subconscious put him, as long as he was with Goku, and this didn't have to end. This time, even if it was only a dream, he would do this right. "Stop, Goku, wait. You're not ready yet."
The form on top of his stopped moving, hesitating. Sanzo felt around on the bed, wishing his mind would supply him with lube. His groping brought him in contact with a jar of gunsmith oil on the nightstand that seemed to magically appear, or at least that he'd not noticed before. That would probably work.
Grabbing the jar, he unscrewed the cap, and dipped three fingers inside. He set the container back on the table, and moved his hands to the firm ass hovering over him. One hand moved to grip one cheek, and the other, with it's oil coated fingers, moved to the tight entrance. Sanzo circled a finger around the ring of muscles, slicking the opening before pushing a finger in. Tight heat surrounded his finger, and just imaging how that would feel around his cock made him shudder, his stomach clenching in anticipation. His erection twitched in agreement.
He desperately wanted to rush through the preparation, but made himself slow down. He might be dreaming, but he wanted to give his dream-Goku as much pleasure as possible. It made him happy to see the saru happy, and clutched that closer to his heart than impending release. So instead of just wiggling his finger around to stretch the hole, he rubbed his finger along the wall of the passage, which he knew felt good, because he'd done it to himself before. After a while he inserted a second finger, continuing his stroking. Sanzo wanted to see his lover's face, but the moonlight streaming in the window came in the wrong way, throwing the saru's outline in sharp relief, but hiding his features in shadow. But the form atop him was panting in a most reassuring way, little gasps interspersed whenever Sanzo's fingers found that spot inside him.
Sanzo wished that dream-Goku would make more noise. He'd never envisioned normal-Goku as a quiet lover, leaning towards the thought that the saru would be as vocal during sex as he was with everything else. This quiet was more characteristic of broken-Goku. A flash of fear snaked through the monk's chest that maybe this dream was turning into a nightmare. But a whimpered moan followed a particularly poignant thrust of his fingers, so he just figured that since he'd never actually heard normal-Goku during sex, his mind was supplying things he had heard.
He added the third and last finger to his ministrations and Goku shuddered above him. Pushing his unease out of his mind for the moment, Sanzo finally concentrated on stretching the pliant body. His cock had wilted slightly from his bought of paranoia, but the boy's quiet moans and gasps brought it back to life. Pulling out his fingers, he reached for the oil again and slicked his member, positioning himself before the prepped entrance.
Penetration was partly him pushing up into Goku, and partly Goku pushing down onto him. Any lingering doubt he'd had vanished as dream-Goku writhed around him in pleasure, riding the rhythm that Sanzo set. Seeing Goku above him, impaled on his cock, stirred dark memories, and before they could surface, without breaking the connection of their joined bodies, he flipped Goku over onto his back.
Propped up on his hands, Sanzo stared down at his lover. Dream-Goku looked so tempting, lips parted, eyes heavily lidded, only the merest hint of gold peaking out from under his lashed, head thrown back. The muscled chest beneath him looked wrong, and Sanzo was to befuddled to make sense of what he was seeing. He paused, unsure again, wanting to understand what was suddenly wrong. Dream-Goku noticed his hesitation, and pulled him down for a kiss that made the thought fly out of his head. It didn't matter. It was a dream.
He traced his lips across the beloved face, moving again inside the boy. Strong legs wrapped around his waist, strong arms clutched his back, as he kissed brows, eyes, nose, cheeks, ghosted his lips down a bronze jaw line. He ended up burying his face against Goku's skin where shoulder met neck, breathing in the saru's scent. He slid his arms underneath his love's back, hands crossing halfway and coming to grip on opposite shoulders. He crushed Goku to him, feeling his heart beating wildly, and an answering flutter that seemed to echo in his own chest.
He kept his thrusts even, delving as deeply as he could, pulling out as far was their crushing embrace would let him, steady. He kept up a steady murmur of talk, really only saying the same things over and over, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.
"Goku… Goku… I love you… I need you… don't ever leave me… please…"
That same thing, over and over, every once in a while an expletive thrown in. He was losing his rhythm now, getting close again. Letting go with one hand, he reached down between them and grabbed Goku's erection. The boy beneath him jerked, moaning. Sanzo increased the pace of his thrusts, pumping his hand in time with it. He was so achingly close, but he didn't want to go before his lover. He held on for a long while, until Goku clamped down with his inner muscles, constricting his cock. Sanzo was practically delirious with need, and with a shout of ecstasy, came deep inside the boy.
Blinding white light exploded behind his eyes, and in his moment of bodiless pleasure, he saw the bright sun shining on Dream-Goku, and heard the echo of faint dream-laughter.
When he came down from his orgasmic high, euphoric, the spots dancing in his vision slowly disappeared. He was confused for a moment, sure that that would have been the end of the dream, but the dark room resolved itself to his blurry eyes. The tingle of unease that had touched him before came back in a rush, and he looked down at Goku, still lying back on the bed, and still fully erect. As he stared, he noticed the scars crisscrossing the tanned chest.
The room tilted sickeningly, and he realized in a rush that the dream had ended when he left the hill and wound up in this room. He'd done it. He'd had sex with Goku.
All the weeks of hair pulling frustration, all the hard work he'd done to help fix his broken love, all of it was fucking out the window, gone. Any progress that may have been occurring inside the boy was wrecked because he couldn't fucking keep his lust under control. He probably woken Goku up with his wet dream, and Goku had obediently went about satisfying his 'master' even though Sanzo had still been asleep.
"Oh SHIT!" He fell off the bed in his haste to get away from the scene of his crime. He hated himself at that moment. Hated himself for his weakness, enough to die. Goku rose and looked at him from the edge of the bed. His erection stood like a reminder of the mistake that had just happened, need unmet because of the lack of pain.
"What do you want from me!?" he screamed up at the impassive face.
"I want to please you, master," was the reply. Of course. That's all Goku wanted now, was to please him. Like Goku's feelings on the matter were unimportant. All that mattered was Sanzo. Because he was the 'master'.
Sanzo felt his heart plunge into his stomach, and his stomach rose into his throat, and he felt like he was going to puke. Overlaying the bored/curious expression on real-Goku's face was the joyful, full-of-life features of dream-Goku. The monk thought he was going to go crazy.
"You want to please me? You want to fucking please me? Then give me back my Goku! Give back the Goku who laughed and cried and argued and complained all the time about being hungry! The one who loved and hated and cared about everyone! The one I feel in love with…" Sanzo, broken, dissolved into a puddle of tears and misery and loneliness.
*note, the next chapter is extra angsty