- Author: Gonou's Girl
- Pairing(s): GojyoxHakkai
- Rating: R
- Summary or description: When Gojyo suddenly acts on impulse, Hakkai's reaction is far from pretty
- Disclaimer: All characters owned by the magnificent Minekura-sama *bows down in reverence*
- Email: elphame_lives [at] msn [dot] com
- Warnings: angst; my apologies to the gorgeous Gojyo!
- Notes: Thanks again to my sister for the plot amendment ;]
When Gojyo woke up it was late afternoon. He forced himself up with a groan, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "Shit," he muttered, a hand snapping to his forehead. His head was pounding as though he had a thunderstorm in there, and he felt kinda sick. He looked down at his bare feet. He wondered why he didn't have his boots on he always wore his boots in bed.
Suddenly his eyes widened as memories from last night flooded back to him. He remembered walking in, late as usual. He remembered the horrible cold ramen. He remembered he remembered being so close to Hakkai that he thought he would never again be able to breathe. He remembered trying to kiss Hakkai. He remembered, flinching, Hakkai pushing him away... and walking out. His expression hardened. He remembered the intense agony, the hate he'd felt inside himself. He remembered waiting, waiting and waiting for Hakkai to come back. He remembered Hakkai coming back... but that was all a bit blurry. He could vaguely remember it. He supposed he must have drunk a hell of a lot. Hakkai must've taken care of him, Hakkai... he vaguely remembered Hakkai getting into bed beside him, holding him...
As though to test his memory, Gojyo leant down and sniffed the sheets. He could still smell Hakkai on them. Without really realising what he was doing, he gripped the sheets tightly and closed his eyes, imagining the owner of that scent was still there. Hakkai had been in this bed, with him. He guessed it was sod's law that he'd been too drunk to remember it.
Dammit, Hakkai. Gojyo wanted to be angry with Hakkai, to hate him as much as Hakkai had hated him for what he'd tried to do. Hakkai had abandoned him when he needed him the most. Gojyo knew he shouldn't forgive him, knew that Hakkai wouldn't expect forgiveness. But it was hard to be angry when he knew Hakkai had taken so much care of him in the end. He clearly still cared, and that grain of hope was threatening to override Gojyo's automatic anger.
Hell. Hakkai probably wasn't even still in the house. He'd probably waited until he was sure Gojyo was okay, and then fucked off. After all, judging by last night's display, he clearly didn't care much about hurting Gojyo's feelings. In Hakkai's mind, he probably thought that by looking after Gojyo he'd squared his debt from 541 days ago and that he could now walk away without regret.
Shit. 542 days now.
Gojyo got up, deciding he might as well see if Hakkai was still around. After all, there was always a chance. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a glass of water, his pack of Hi-lites and his lighter arranged on the table by his bed arranged perfectly in a line.
Hakkai had managed to clear away all last night's broken glass and was washing the dishes again when Gojyo came into the kitchen. He didn't see Gojyo's face flash with surprise and relief momentarily before he remembered that he wanted to be angry with Hakkai.
Hearing Gojyo come in, Hakkai turned around, trying to hide how much he was shaking. He smiled his usual smile and greeted him. "Good morning, Gojyo," he said kindly, managing to keep his voice steady. "How are you feeling?"
Gojyo paused on his way to the table, looking Hakkai straight in the eye. He looked like he was trying to come to a decision on something. "Hell," he said finally, breaking the eye contact. "My head's killing me. Must've drunk too much last night."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time," Hakkai laughed, turning back to the dishes. So Gojyo didn't remember what had happened last night... or, more likely, he remembered but he didn't want to remember. Well, Hakkai reasoned, with a lump in his throat, it's not like I blame him. I behaved despicably.
Gojyo glared, heartbroken, at Hakkai. He couldn't believe that he could be so cold, after everything they had just gone through.
They didn't speak much for the next few minutes, only exchanging the odd curt word. Hakkai was so tense that he wasn't sure he could stand it much longer. Gojyo was so filled with despair that he wasn't even smoking.
More to escape the choking atmosphere than anything else, Hakkai gathered up a few bits of rubbish and walked towards the back door. He could really do with the fresh air.
Gojyo's bellow exploded through Hakkai like a bomb. He froze, still only half-way to the back door. But he'd heard it in Gojyo's voice the same fear with which he'd begged Hakkai not to leave the bedroom. And that roar he suddenly realised what Gojyo had called out to him as he'd left the house last night.
After a few seconds, Hakkai turned his head fractionally. Pausing, afraid to ask after all, Gojyo didn't seem to want to talk about it he said quietly, "So you do remember?"
He didn't dare turn around, he didn't dare to look at Gojyo. He felt sure that Gojyo must hate him for what he'd done and he was too much of a coward to see those beautiful red eyes filled with anger and disgust. He almost wished he hadn't asked the question at all, but the tension had become unbearable. At least now the hate would be out in the open.
"I'm sorry, alright?" Gojyo said vehemently from behind him. His voice was shaking with anger. "It was a stupid thing to do and I'm sorry. If I could take it back, I would."
This made Hakkai turn around. He hadn't expected an apology from Gojyo, and he felt his hatred for himself grow deeper. Gojyo was apologising. What Gojyo had done was nothing in comparison to what he had done.
"Gojyo, I know you must be angry with me..." Hakkai began. Gojyo glared up at him sullenly, as if to say, Really, Hakkai? You think? Hakkai swallowed, finding himself unable to meet Gojyo's angry stare. "What I did was... was terrible. I walked out on you..."
"Yeah, and why was that, Hakkai?" interrupted Gojyo bitterly.
It was a challenge to be honest, but Hakkai was too afraid of the hatred he deserved. "Gojyo, I..." The floor suddenly seemed very interesting. "When you tried to... I saw something in myself that I'd never seen before. And it well, it terrified me, Gojyo," Hakkai admitted, hoping that a display of honesty might inspire some trust. "And because I was scared, I got angry. But I didn't really know what I was angry with, and you you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, Gojyo. I should never have..." Hakkai breathed in a deep breath. His eyes had started to glisten again. "I should never have left you. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I wish I could change the past, Gojyo, but I can't. I am so sorry, Gojyo. I... I can understand if... if you can't forgive me."
Hakkai let his words fade out, hanging emptily, hopelessly. He knew there was no hope of forgiveness; he'd left out the main part of the story. But he couldn't tell Gojyo that he cared for him. What if Gojyo forgave him? Hakkai didn't deserve someone he'd hurt so much; Gojyo deserved someone with the courage to celebrate their love for him, not someone who was too afraid to face it.
Gojyo remained silent, staring at the table, playing with his fingers. His hair had fallen across in front of his face so that Hakkai couldn't see his expression. He wished Gojyo would say something, wished hopelessly for Gojyo's forgiveness, even though he knew it wasn't coming. He didn't deserve it.
"I know you must hate me, Gojyo"
"I don't hate you," Gojyo swiftly replied. His voice was very quiet, and that just made Hakkai want Gojyo and his forgiveness even more. Hakkai turned around, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, Gojyo still cared for him. "You came back, didn't you?"
Gojyo had been staring at the wall, but at this he looked up at Hakkai and grinned a broad, not-quite-genuine grin, clearly trying to reset their relationship to how it had been before this whole thing started. But Hakkai could still see that sad longing in Gojyo's eyes, see the pain in Gojyo's grimace. He couldn't bear to look at Gojyo, so he turned around to wash the dishes. It seemed to be the only thing he was good for.
Gojyo let Hakkai carry on for a while, just watching him. Then, he said calmly, warmly, as if he really meant it, "Hey, thanks for looking after me last night."
"That's quite all right, Gojyo," Hakkai replied without turning around. "It was the least I could do."
Hakkai continued to wash the dishes. They were already perfectly clean but Hakkai carried on anyway. He just needed something to do. He scrubbed harder and harder, pretending he was grinding his fist into his own stupid face.
"Hakkai," he heard Gojyo begin, as if he was trying to stop himself from asking. There was still so much tension in the air. "You said just now that you saw something in yourself that you hadn't seen before. What... what did you see?"
Hakkai sighed and let the plate he was mutilating sink underneath the bubbles. His focus slipped beyond the bowl as he realised that he had to tell Gojyo the truth. Gojyo deserved the truth, as much as it shamed Hakkai to even admit it to himself.
"What I saw..." Hakkai began, but he couldn't say it. He didn't know how to tell Gojyo that he cared for him, didn't think that Gojyo would believe him. He decided to take a different approach. "When you... tried to... kiss me, I... I suddenly realised something about myself. And," he went on quickly, trying to avoid Gojyo asking what that 'something' was, "it took me completely by surprise. I'd never known I felt like that and... it was like I... like I couldn't"
"Like you couldn't recognize yourself," Gojyo finished for him. "Am I right?" He was looking on the table, one arm resting on it, the other hand covering his mouth. He thought he knew what Hakkai was getting at but he couldn't trust his judgement anymore, so he shook his head and brushed his suspicions aside.
"Yes," Hakkai said, startled, turning away from Gojyo again. He felt a little irritated that he'd let himself look at Gojyo. "Those were the very words I was about to use," he said questioningly, as if to ask Gojyo how he knew.
"That's how I felt, when I... realised," Gojyo continued, his voice quavering slightly. He was talking quite fast, as if he'd been dying to say it for a long time. "You know, when I figured out that I... how I feel about you. I mean... Hell. It was just a normal day. You were stood there, doing the washing up, just like you are now. And I found myself just gazing at you. I was thinking about how... how beautiful you were, Hakkai." Hakkai closed his eyes in pain. "Then I realised what I was doing. And I was horrified, you know? I mean... I've never looked that way at a guy before. I thought there was something wrong with me." He gave a shaky laugh. "The next few days were hell. I tried not to show it around you, but I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't accept that I felt that way about any guy, let alone about you. I even tried sleeping with more women, but that didn't help either."
It was meant to make Hakkai laugh, and it worked. Hakkai smiled slightly. Trust Gojyo to get through his defences. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. "How long have you... how long ago was that?"
"Three weeks," Gojyo laughed. "I didn't manage to hide it for long, did I?" He laughed again, letting it fade into the silence. Hakkai didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. The minutes of silence stretched out between them before Gojyo flipped.
"HAKKAI, FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST LOOK AT ME!"
Gojyo's sudden yell forced Hakkai's gaze over his shoulder to where Gojyo was sat. A couple of tears had escaped Gojyo's eyes and were trailing down his cheeks. He was making no effort to hide them or to brush them away. Hakkai moaned slightly, feeling his own eyes start to fill with tears. He tried to turn away again, but he couldn't completely turn his back on Gojyo, not when he was crying. "Gojyo..." he said, a plea in his voice.
"I know, okay?" Gojyo choked. "Shit! I know that I've made you uncomfortable! But please, Hakkai, just... just let's forget about everything. Nothing happened. I didn't... and you didn't walk out. It's fine, Hakkai. Shit! Let's just, just go back to how we were"
"I don't want to go back to how we were"
The words were out before Hakkai even realised he wanted to say them. His hands were gripping the edge of the sink very hard and a single tear ran down his cheek the side that Gojyo couldn't see. He heard Gojyo's breath catch in his throat and heard him swallow down hard.
"So that's it then?" Gojyo moaned desperately. "Almost two years," 542 days, but he wasn't going to let on that he'd been counting "and you're going to just throw it all away? Because of a stupid kiss?"
"That's not what I meant," said Hakkai, quietly but forcefully. He looked down at Gojyo and saw Gojyo's eyes widen when he saw Hakkai's tears. He didn't seem to have expected them. "I made you a promise last night, Gojyo, and I intend to keep it."
Gojyo met Hakkai's gaze head on, a determination burning in his eyes. Gojyo was confused, but he was going to get some answers. "Hakkai, just be straight with me," he said, his voice shaking more than ever before. He paused to summon courage. "Everything you've done you pushed me away, you walked out, it... I know it means you don't feel the same. Hakkai, I can't explain it, but... I don't know... maybe you meant what you said last night." His eyes were piercing so deep into Hakkai's that he couldn't believe he couldn't read his mind. "When you said that... that you... love me too, I know you were probably just doing whatever you thought would help me get to sleep or something, but...
"Hakkai, I just can't shake the feeling!" he cried forcefully, more tears spilling over his eyelids. "I just can't help thinking that... that you feel the same. You said you saw something in yourself that you hadn't seen before. When that happened to me, what I saw was that I cared for dammit was that I loved you, Hakkai. Hakkai, I love you!" He bit his lip hard. Hakkai felt all his muscles stiffen. This was hurting too much. "Hakkai, if you say you don't love me, I won't bother you ever again. I'll be the one to leave, that way you can keep your promise"
"Gojyo, this is your house!" Hakkai cried, shocked.
"I can't live in it without you," Gojyo said truthfully. Their eyes were still locked onto each other. Gojyo's voice fell to barely a whisper. "Hakkai, just be straight with me," he pleaded again. "I need to know... just... say it if... if you love me."
Hakkai knew this was it. There was no going back from this moment. If he denied it, Gojyo would walk out of his life forever. He had to tell him he owed it to him. After what he had done, he should grant anything that Gojyo asked for. "Gojyo, I..." he began, but still the words would not come. I love you, I love you! he screamed in his head, willing himself to say it out loud. But almost a whole minute passed, and he still hadn't said it. He tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling in despair.
"Goddammit, Hakkai!" Gojyo yelled, slamming his fists down on the table. Tears were pouring from his eyes now. He tried to stand up but his legs were shaking too badly, and he had to settle for hovering above the seat, holding himself up with his hands. "I deserve to know the truth! You walked out on me! I bared my soul to you and you walked out! I deserve to know why! You owe me, Hakkai! Goddammit, you owe me!"
Hakkai screamed inwardly. Gojyo was right, he did owe him the truth, and he was fully aware of it, so why couldn't he say it? He loved Gojyo; with everything. He wanted to say it his whole body wanted to scream it so that everybody could hear. Gojyo's heart was breaking right in front of him, and he was too scared to do anything. He was pathetic. What was he even scared of? There was nothing left to be scared of, nothing except
Gojyo was still yelling at Hakkai for the truth, but it didn't even matter any more. Hakkai swallowed and opened his mouth. There was nothing to stop him now.
"I love you, Gojyo."
Gojyo's yells trailed slowly to a halt. His arms shook, ready to collapse under him, but he didn't seem to notice. He stared at Hakkai, bewildered. "What did you just say?"
Hakkai finally turned right round so that he was completely facing Gojyo. He looked him straight in the eye and said slowly, calmly, "I said that I love you, Gojyo. And I honestly do. With all my heart." Gojyo continued to gape at Hakkai, although his eyes kept fluttering as if he was about to start crying. "That was what I saw in myself last night, that scared me so much," he said pointlessly, feeling that a little more explanation was needed. "But..." His expression softened. "It doesn't scare me any more, Gojyo," he said quietly.
With a yell, Gojyo leaped up from the table and for a moment, Hakkai was afraid he was going to attack him and he flinched. But Gojyo's face had suddenly split into the widest grin Hakkai had ever seen and his eyes, the eyes that had looked so dead last night, were glowing with life and vitality. He crouched on the floor and slowly began to laugh before jumping up and spinning round on his heels. "Yes!" he cried, punching the air triumphantly. He stopped and faced Hakkai, putting his hands to his head. He bit his bottom lip, delight clearly etched on his face, and dragged his hands down over his mouth. Through the fingers in front of his face, he muttered distractedly, "I don't believe it...!"
Hakkai felt his own mouth crack into a smile mirroring Gojyo's. He laughed at Gojyo's eccentric behaviour, basking in Gojyo's joy as if it was his own. He couldn't believe, after all the misery he'd put Gojyo through last night, that he'd been the one to bring Gojyo this joy. It was like all his sins had been redeemed at once.
Gojyo crossed the space between them in three paces and was beside Hakkai before he even noticed. Smiling, Hakkai didn't move away this time. But Gojyo stopped, inches away from him, hovering so close to him that Hakkai felt like he was Gojyo. He was about to ask what was wrong before he realised he didn't need to it was painfully obvious. Feeling a pang of remorse, Hakkai realised that Gojyo was too scared to kiss him too scared that what happened last night would happen again. Swallowing the lump that had risen in his throat, Hakkai reached up to grab Gojyo's shirt to pull him closer. Gojyo flinched at the movement, but Hakkai kept going. It was up to him to put things right.
He pulled Gojyo closer to him, and kissed him.
Instantly, Gojyo wrapped his arms around Hakkai, holding him close as if he was afraid to let go. Hakkai arched his back, pushing himself further into Gojyo. It was incredible he was being kissed by Gojyo. And it was wonderful. Happiness was flowing through him like new life. Gojyo's tongue was in his mouth, his lips pressed firmly, desperately but lovingly, against Hakkai's. Hakkai kissed Gojyo back fervently, passionately. One of Gojyo's hands was in his hair and the other was at the small of his back, keeping him close. Hakkai curled his arms up and around Gojyo's neck, twisting his fingers through Gojyo's beautiful soft hair.
Gojyo pushed him backwards so that he was pinned between Gojyo and the fridge. He reached up and pulled Hakkai's hands from around his neck, all the while gazing at Hakkai seductively. "Shit, Hakkai," he said, putting his palms against Hakkai's and snaking his fingers through Hakkai's, holding him against the fridge. He rested his forehead against Hakkai's. "You're a damn good kisser."
Hakkai grinned back, eyes sparkling mischievously. This was the Gojyo he knew and loved. "You're not too bad yourself," he said congenially, knowing it would wind Gojyo up.
He bit his lip it had done the trick. "Why, you..." Gojyo began, pretending to be offended. "I'll show you 'not too bad'!"
He leant in and let his lips brush Hakkai's, making sure that Hakkai could feel his breath on his skin. Gojyo held Hakkai's arms above his head so that he couldn't move. Hakkai was rather enjoying himself. Gojyo tenderly kissed his mouth, then his cheek, his forehead and his eyelids, before moving back down to his cheek, his mouth twice then a third time, Gojyo decided until he began to concentrate on his neck. Hakkai felt as though Gojyo was baptising him with kisses. "I concede," he tried to say, in between gasps and moans Gojyo really was making him feel quite weak "that you are in fact a wonderful kisser, Gojyo."
"Damn straight," Gojyo laughed, and Hakkai felt the laugh against his skin. Gojyo came up from Hakkai's neck and kissed him on the lips again, gently. He let go of Hakkai's hands, stroking from his wrists all the way down his arms, letting his hands come to rest on Hakkai's waist. Hakkai kissed him back deeply, instinctively reaching out for Gojyo's face, stroking his cheeks and hair. Gojyo eventually broke the kiss, moving past Hakkai so that they were resting cheek to cheek. He closed his eyes, just basking in Hakkai's warmth.
"I meant what I said last night," Hakkai murmured, gripping the back of Gojyo's shirt tightly. He wanted Gojyo to know he was never going to leave.
Kissing Hakkai's neck with a smile, Gojyo murmured, "Hakkai, forget about last night..."
But Hakkai, wishing he hadn't reminded himself, couldn't stop himself from thinking about how he'd walked out on Gojyo. He started to shake and Gojyo noticed. "I mean it, Hakkai, stop worrying about it. It's over." He buried his face in Hakkai's shoulder, snaking his arms protectively around Hakkai's waist. "Let it go."
"I can't," Hakkai choked, letting his guilt wash over him. He tilted his head back, resting it against the fridge, and screwed his eyes up tight. Gojyo deserved better than him. What Hakkai had done was unforgiveable. "I don't deserve you," he whispered, trying to fight tears from falling.
Gojyo sighed heavily. "Hell, Hakkai, I've forgiven you," Gojyo pleaded. "Forgive yourself." He moved back and put his hands either side of Hakkai's face, forcing him to meet his gaze. "You came back! It's water under the bridge," he said, imploring Hakkai to forgive himself with his eyes.
Hakkai didn't look convinced. Gojyo could see the remorse in his eyes as if he was drowning in sorrow.
"You've gotta look at the bigger picture," Gojyo said with a sigh, running his hands up and down Hakkai's arms. "It doesn't matter how we got here, okay? We're together now and..." He smiled and kissed Hakkai again. "That's what matters. Right? I mean, look at that view..."
He took Hakkai firmly by the shoulders and turned him round so that he was looking out of the kitchen window onto the garden beyond. It was tatty and dank and certainly not worth looking at, but Hakkai let him carry on.
Gojyo wrapped his arms warmly around Hakkai's chest, feeling Hakkai's heart beating steadily. He kissed his neck deeply and then nuzzled it, breathing in Hakkai's scent. He looked at the window himself. "Isn't that a prettier picture now?"
Then Hakkai realised what Gojyo was getting at and felt his heart rise in his throat. In the window, he could faintly see the reflection of him standing there, with Gojyo holding him tightly Gojyo loving him.
It doesn't matter how we got here, okay? We're together now.
"Yes, Gojyo," he said, a genuine smile painting his features as he let his worries and his guilt melt away. He reached up to stroke one of Gojyo's arms with his hand, and tilted his head so that he could see Gojyo out of the corner of his eye. "I suppose you're right."
Gojyo grinned broadly and kissed Hakkai's neck again.
"Well, that's more like it."
---END OF PART 3---
"Hakkaaaii, I'm home!"
Hakkai didn't try to suppress his grin at the sound of his lover's voice. He was washing the dishes yet again so he couldn't see Gojyo just yet. He didn't glance at the clock. "You're home early today, Gojyo," he called out, watching his reflection approach in the window.
"Early?" whispered Gojyo, almost catching Hakkai by surprise with his seductive voice. He supposed he'd get used to it eventually, but for now he was quite enjoying the feeling in his stomach whenever Gojyo spoke to him like that. "This is my 'on time' now, ma Cherie." He kissed Hakkai's shoulder, looking at him cheekily in the window.
"Oh, so I'm a woman now?" Hakkai spun round, pretending to be annoyed. In truth, he rather liked it when Gojyo called him that.
Gojyo had stepped back to allow Hakkai room to turn, but now he leaned forward and stroked Hakkai's chin gently. "I think you make an excellent woman," he teased, his eyes flashing mischievously.
Hakkai flicked the dishcloth at him and it hit Gojyo on the arm. "Hey, ow!" Gojyo protested, but he was grinning hugely. Hakkai, laughing, turned back to the dishes. He felt Gojyo's arms snake around his waist and Gojyo pressed himself against Hakkai. He looked instinctively out the window, where the flowers they'd planted were flourishing. A soft smile spread across his face.
"It's looking even more beautiful every day, Hakkai," he murmured.
"I quite agree," Hakkai said. "I thought I'd get tired of looking at it, but..." He paused in his washing up so that he could look Gojyo in the eye. "I love it more every time I look at it."
"I love you too, Hakkai."
Hakkai smiled Gojyo certainly was perceptive these days.
Gojyo reached up and kissed Hakkai tenderly, firmly, possessively.
19/06/08 Amendment & edit