- Title: Impulse
- Author: Gonou's Girl
- Pairing(s): GojyoxHakkai
- Rating: R
- Summary or description: When Gojyo suddenly acts on impulse, Hakkai's reaction is far from pretty…
- Disclaimer: All characters owned by the magnificent Minekura-sama *bows down in reverence*
- Email: elphame_lives [at] msn [dot] com
- Warnings: angst; my apologies to the gorgeous Gojyo!

 

- Notes: Thanks to my brilliant sister (Gojyo's girl ;]) for the plot amendment

 

---PART 2---

 

"Hakkai, I'm sorry..." Gojyo called out, almost incomprehensibly. It was hell to simply get those words out through the lump in his throat, but he knew he had to. He was terrified of Hakkai, standing over him; he was terrified at what he might do to him. He had never seen Hakkai so angry, and he'd definitely never been violent towards him before. Fear was welling up inside him but he choked the words out all the same – he had to.

   Another emotion was wrestling with that fear; a deep, deep hurt. Hakkai hadn't moved. He'd moved right up to Hakkai, and Hakkai hadn't moved away. He had thought that was Hakkai giving silent consent. He had thought that that was Hakkai feeling the same, goddammit. But Hakkai had pushed him away, and that was real hatred in his beautiful, painfully beautiful green eyes. It was that hate that was hurting. Gojyo could have lived with rejection – he almost expected it – but hatred was something he hadn't factored into his decision. He just hadn't been able to imagine Hakkai ever hating him – and he still couldn't, even faced inescapably with that hatred. That revelation, that betrayal... that Hakkai could hate him so easily... that was what was hurting Gojyo. That and the cruel crippling knowledge that he was the one to blame.

   Hakkai didn't seem to have heard Gojyo's garbled apology. He was turning around, moving to the door. "Hakkai..." Gojyo called out again, his fear changing rapidly from a fear of Hakkai to a fear of Hakkai leaving. Hakkai couldn't leave, he couldn't leave – Gojyo would rather Hakkai stayed and beat him to a pulp, flayed him to within an inch of his life. Hell, Gojyo would rather Hakkai stayed even if it killed him. He couldn't bear the thought of Hakkai leaving him alone with the incredible burden of that self-inflicted hatred. That was worse than death. He struggled to his feet, moving towards Hakkai's retreating back, raising a hand to try to bring him back.

   Hakkai reached for the door handle.

   "NOOOOO!!!" bellowed Gojyo, his frantic, desperate roar echoing off the walls and berating his own ears, but he didn't care. Hakkai couldn't leave, he couldn't let him leave...

   But the door clicked shut. Hakkai was gone.

   ..

   Gojyo sank to his knees, his wide eyes staring in disbelief at the stationary door handle as though willing it to turn. He was completely still, apart from a few strands of hair drifting backwards and forwards with the momentum from his collapse. He didn't think he was breathing, and he was sure his heart had stopped beating. His hands were curled on the floor. His legs were in a really uncomfortable position, and pain kept shooting through to his brain, but he didn't care... it didn't matter...

   Suddenly he started to shiver. His body was shaking more than it had been when he'd been about to kiss Hakkai. He felt incredibly cold, and his teeth had even started to chatter. And still he stared at that door handle. Hakkai had to come back, surely. Hakkai didn't walk out on people. Hakkai stayed to clear up the mess, to nurse people's wounds. Hakkai cared about Gojyo... He'd never walked out on anyone before...

   But then again, Hakkai had never nearly been kissed by Gojyo before.

   Hakkai.

   Hakkai's not coming back.

   Are you, Hakkai?

   Suddenly, Gojyo threw himself up off the floor with such speed that he nearly fell straight over again, but he didn't care. He didn't give a shit. His teeth were gritted, his hands were clenched tight and suddenly he was launching himself bodily at the wall, over and over again. "DAMMIT, GOJYO!" he screamed as he smashed his head into the wall over and over again, real blood mixing with his scarlet hair. He couldn't believe what he had done, it was just so unbelievably stupid. He'd thrown everything away because he couldn't keep his stupid feelings under control. In that moment, he hated himself so much, all he wanted to do was inflict as much pain on himself as he possibly could. If he died it would be a bonus. He wanted to die, he couldn't endure all this pain...

   He screamed wordlessly at the ceiling, wishing that he could be someone else. But he knew it was useless. Tears, hot, angry tears, were leaking steadily from his eyes. He felt a sob rise in his throat, and cried out helplessly, child-like and alone. Still staring at the hidden heavens, he let his misery take him.

   Hakkai was gone. Hakkai was gone, and it was all his fault. He'd been stupid enough to risk – to risk everything. And now look what had happened. He'd made Hakkai hate him. He'd turned someone so good, so kind into the violent youkai he'd been two years ago. 541 days... that was how long he'd managed to go without kissing Hakkai. Why had he gone and fucked it up?

   Maybe Hakkai didn't hate him. Maybe Hakkai was just shocked. It had been kinda out of the blue. Maybe Hakkai was just taking time to come to terms with it.

   But no, Hakkai had been looking at him with anger, not shock.

   Well then, maybe Hakkai had been angry, but because he cared about Gojyo he hadn't wanted to hurt him. Maybe Hakkai thought that he'd hurt Gojyo if he stayed, so he left to protect him.

   But if Hakkai cared, he would have stayed at least to check that Gojyo would be alright. Or he'd leave for about five seconds to cool off and then come back in. He wasn't the kind of guy who turned someone down and then just fucked off. He'd let someone down gently.

   That certainly hadn't been letting him down gently.

   If he was shocked, and angry, then when he calms down, he might come back. He could be worrying about me, right now. That's what Hakkai does, worry about people... you worry too much, Hakkai... my... Hakkai...

   Gojyo bowed his head, his hair falling around him, hiding his tears from the space where Hakkai had been. He let himself cry. Sobs racked his body, and he didn't try to keep himself quiet. He couldn't bear it; he couldn't believe he could still be alive when such a huge part of him had just been ripped out. And that made it worse – he didn't want to be able to survive without Hakkai. Hakkai was everything. If he was gone, everything – everything – was over. He let his whole body sink to the floor, weeping into the cold, heartless wood floor.

   He held his eyes shut for a long time, torturing himself with the image of Hakkai's face, twisted with hate. It kept transforming by habit, donning his everyday smile that Gojyo both loved and hated. After a while he stopped trying to force the hate-face back; if his brain wanted to delude him then fine, let it. It wasn't as if it mattered anymore.

   "Booze," he muttered, dazed, pushing his hands against the floor so that he rose unsteadily to his feet. Using the wall to guide his path and keep him standing, he staggered to a cupboard and wrenched the door open, tears still leaking down his face. Inside was a crate crammed full of alcohol and he dragged it unceremoniously over to the table. He sat down heavily in the chair and opened the first bottle. He stared sullenly, hopelessly, with bloodshot eyes, at the door that had let Hakkai leave and a few more tears spilled down his cheeks. There was nothing else he could do but wait and drink so he downed the bottle in one.

   There's always the chance that Hakkai might come back.

   And when he does, I'll kick his sorry ass.

 

---

 

Hakkai was crying too. He'd been crying the past three or four hours, although he himself had no awareness of how much time had passed. He was too busy trying to sort out everything that he couldn't believe in his head. He couldn't believe Gojyo had tried to kiss him – that was the first one. He couldn't believe that Gojyo had been willing to risk their entire friendship. He couldn't believe that Gojyo would use him to relieve his urges. He couldn't believe that it mattered so much to him. And he couldn't believe that he'd walked out on Gojyo...

   Hakkai was crouched in an alley, his head between his knees and his hands raking through his hair, over and over again. He couldn't believe what was happening, couldn't process it. He may have spent his life thinking, and worrying, but right now he couldn't formulate a single coherent thought.

   It had started with a violent hatred of Gojyo. He'd stood silent outside the door for a few moments, and then he ran, as far and as fast as he could. He'd stopped without warning to pummel a tree, lashing out wildly and shouting Gojyo's name. Someone had seen, and had walked tentatively over, asking if they could help him at all. But Hakkai lashed out at them too, screaming at them to leave him alone. Unsurprisingly, they'd obeyed in a hurry.

   Hakkai, not keen on having his personal space invaded for the third time that night, sought refuge in the alley. There, he cursed Gojyo in his thoughts. Damn Gojyo. How could he try to kiss him? Why? It just didn't make sense. His first thought was that Gojyo was serious, but it couldn't be that. Gojyo had been sharing his house with him for almost two years – there was no way he'd do something so sudden now. Without warning. Without provocation. That was just unthinkable. And besides, Hakkai was perceptive. He would have seen it if Gojyo... felt that way about him.

   So he brushed that thought aside. Well then, why else would Gojyo try to kiss him? Well, he was drunk. That could have been a reason. But again, there was no provocation. Drunk people didn't just snap; they reacted to their surroundings. So it couldn't be that either. Well, what if Gojyo had had a slow night? That is to say, no girls? Perhaps Gojyo, starved of ... action, had decided to ... experiment. Decided to see if he couldn't get a fun little one night stand out of Hakkai...

   At this thought, Hakkai had punched the wall violently. He was never going to be anyone's one night stand. And Gojyo should have known that. They were supposed to have been close.

   These arguments went around Hakkai's head several times before he began to wonder why it was such a big issue. He certainly hadn't wanted Gojyo to kiss him, but Gojyo was his friend. All he needed to have done was gently ease him back, explain that he didn't want this and that would have been that. Gojyo would have been disappointed, maybe even hurt, but that would have been it. There was no real need for Hakkai to get angry or afraid, so why had it affected him so much?

   It just didn't make sense.

   Sighing, sobbing into his hands, Hakkai let his thoughts drift to Gojyo. Without realising it, he felt himself focussing on his first disbelief. Was it really so impossible that Gojyo would feel for him? Of course, Hakkai was well aware that Gojyo was a chronic womanizer and had refuted any insinuations that he might have homosexual tendencies. But Gojyo had always been oddly close to him. He'd always supposed it was the kind of bond that someone has with a person whose life they'd saved, but he also supposed that most people would have sent him on his way after he'd regained his strength. Gojyo was surely aware that Hakkai could survive on his own, and he clearly didn't need Hakkai around. Was it possible that Gojyo kept Hakkai around for ... for reasons over and above friendship...?

   No, Hakkai reprimanded himself firmly. There was no reason to conclude that Gojyo felt anything more than friendship for him. Friends stuck together, and that's all they had done for the past two years. He'd almost convinced himself when a sudden memory of Gojyo leapt unbidden into his mind. There was nothing special about that memory, nothing to speak of... but Gojyo's eyes... Hakkai remembered that he often caught Gojyo looking at him out of the corner of his eye, or meeting his gaze for longer than was necessary. And the expression in his eyes, that strange kind of sadness that he'd seen in them earlier...

   Deep down, he recognised that sadness.

   That sadness was... was longing.

   "Dammit, Gojyo," Hakkai breathed, letting his tears drain down his face as he leant his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes and let an image of Gojyo hang in front of his mind. He traced the lines of Gojyo's cheek and chin, licked his lips slightly as he looked at Gojyo's, and choked a little as he focused on Gojyo's beautiful, painfully beautiful red eyes. He didn't even notice that he'd raised an arm as if to stroke Gojyo's hair until he realised that he couldn't see his arm in the vision.

   The vision of Gojyo smiled.

   What was he doing? Hakkai thought suddenly, desperately, pushing himself harder against the wall as if in an attempt to get away from the vision. He wasn't like that... he didn't feel like that about Gojyo... he would have noticed something like that...

   The vision of Gojyo smiled again and Hakkai felt another sob rise in his throat.

   He'd walked away from that.

   And, through all his fear, and doubting, and confusion, Hakkai, though he couldn't be sure, thought he was beginning, tentatively, to understand why. It made sense... it explained why he'd been afraid... it explained why he'd been angry... it explained why he'd walked out on his best friend...

   Maybe... maybe he felt that way about Gojyo.

   Of course, he could be wrong, but... he was always so worried about Gojyo when he stayed out late... and he always hated it when Gojyo flirted with women... and he always loved it when Gojyo smiled that special, warm smile at him...

   He'd just never realised it until Gojyo tried to kiss him. And it hadn't come to him steadily, even though his mind had taken an age to catch up with him and really... really accept it. It had come all at once, this knowledge that he... that he cared for Gojyo... in that way. And it had been too much, all of a sudden, too much knowledge. Suddenly realising that he ... cared for Gojyo had felt to Hakkai like looking at a completely different person, someone he couldn't recognise, and that was what he'd been scared by. He was so scared by the real him that he'd become angry with himself, angry, he supposed, because he couldn't believe he hadn't realised it sooner. And he'd taken that anger out on Gojyo; sweet, beautiful Gojyo... He'd taken his anger out, and then taken himself out of the only house he belonged in, all because he couldn't take the truth.

   He was pathetic.

   And what was more, his ridiculous refusal to accept the truth had left Gojyo on his own. Hakkai gripped his hair tightly, wishing he could stop thinking – thinking about what he'd just done to Gojyo was just too painful. Gojyo had risked everything, made himself vulnerable. And Hakkai, his supposed friend, had betrayed him in the worst possible way. Gojyo had been vulnerable and weak, and Hakkai had first lashed out at him, and then he'd left him.

   Hakkai sniffed loudly, wiped his eyes with sleeves already wet with his tears, and stood up. He had to pull himself together. Now that he'd thought about it, there was no time to loose. Gojyo was alone and vulnerable. There was no knowing what he was doing right now. It was Hakkai's duty as Gojyo's friend to go back and help him. Maybe he could talk to Gojyo and get him to understand why he had done such a terrible thing. Maybe it wasn't too late for Gojyo to forgive him...

 

---

 

Hakkai hovered outside the front door for almost a minute before he could bring himself to open the door. The door met with a slight crunching resistance and he looked down instinctively. The floor was littered with smashed and splintered bottles that looked as though they had been flung with some force at the door.

   With a little more effort, he pushed the door fully open and looked down into the hallway. Blood was smeared on the wall a little way on but his eyes were drawn to the light in the kitchen. It illuminated a hunched figure barely managing to stay sat up; his elbow kept slipping off the table top and his legs were curled uselessly under his chair. The tabletop itself was covered with empty cans and bottles, a few puddles of alcohol having collected on the floor near an overturned crate. And from underneath that scarlet waterfall of hair, two scarlet eyes stared fixedly at Hakkai.

   Hakkai's breath clutched at his throat. Gojyo looked so broken, and yet he still looked beautiful to Hakkai.

   He picked his way through the broken glass, his heart in his mouth as he approached Gojyo. He was scared that Gojyo might lash out if he got too close, and he certainly looked drunk enough – he looked as though he had drunk until he physically couldn't hold another bottle – so he stopped before he got within arms length. He forced himself to look up into Gojyo's blank eyes and saw that they hadn't left the door handle. Gojyo's mouth moved soundlessly for a moment before he swallowed, speaking in a barely audible whisper.

   "Dammit Hakkai, come back..."

   A few tears trickled down Gojyo's cheeks from his disorientated, unseeing eyes and Hakkai felt his own tears beginning to fall. A dry sob escaping him, Hakkai rushed over to Gojyo and squatted in front of him. He seized him in his arms and held his trembling body close, held him as tight as he could. "I'm here, Gojyo... I'm here," he whispered into Gojyo's ear, burying his face in his shoulder.

   Gojyo's eyes widened as he reacted to the contact. "You came back... you shit, Hakkai!" He punched wildly at Hakkai's side but luckily he was too intoxicated to inflict any real damage. He suddenly wrapped his arms around Hakkai's middle, clutching at Hakkai's shirt as if afraid he would leave again. "I'm sorry," he whispered thickly, his words slurring.

   "It's all right, Gojyo," Hakkai soothed, although his voice broke. Gojyo drank a lot but he'd never seen him this bad before; and it was all because of him. He stroked Gojyo's beautiful crimson hair. "I'm here now."

   But Gojyo's eyes fluttered and he pressed his face against Hakkai's chest. "Won't do it ever again... I swear," he mumbled, his voice almost lost in the folds of Hakkai's shirt, now damp with his tears. "Just... please don't leave..."

   Gojyo's hands were still clawing desperately at his shirt. Hakkai put his hands either side of Gojyo's face, sitting back slightly, looking up into his still-deadened eyes. "I'm never going to leave you again, Gojyo," he promised, feeling himself drown in his turbulent emotions. He willed Gojyo to understand. "Do you hear me? I promise you, Gojyo, I am never going to leave you ever again. Not as long as I live."

   It seemed to get through Gojyo's drunken stupor. He calmed down and stopped grabbing at Hakkai's shirt, although he kept a hold of his arms. It looked like he was scared Hakkai might disappear if he so much as stopped touching him. Hakkai ran a hand soothingly through his hair and his eyes widened when he felt the dry blood from Gojyo's self-inflicted injury; Gojyo didn't seem to have even noticed the wound.

   Hakkai tried not to think about the fact that the injury had been his fault and instead gently but firmly pulled Gojyo to his feet and threw one of Gojyo's arms over his shoulder. He half-walked half-carried him to the bathroom where Gojyo, looking extremely tired now, allowed himself to be sat on the toilet seat whilst Hakkai washed the blood out of his hair. He used his chi to try to help Gojyo's scalp wound to heal, but fortunately it wasn't a particularly nasty wound – he'd probably just have a mild concussion in the morning as well as a thumping headache from the drink. Then Hakkai pulled Gojyo's arm back around his shoulder and walked him back across the hall to his bedroom.

   Gojyo let Hakkai lie him down on his bed. He pulled the covers carefully, lovingly over Gojyo and tried to turn back to the door. After all, he thought shakily, he quite needed the sleep himself.

   "No!" cried Gojyo suddenly, wide awake. He reached forward and grabbed the hem of Hakkai's shirt and looked up imploringly into his green eyes. "You can't leave! You promised! You promised me you wouldn't leave! Hakkai, don't leave, please don't leave!"

   Hakkai stared into those beautiful, painfully beautiful red eyes and felt his heart break. He couldn't believe that Gojyo could still want him here but there was no way he could leave now – not with Gojyo looking at him so desperately, a grim determination in his eyes. "It's all right, Gojyo," he said as he crouched down on the bed and took off his shoes. "I won't leave you. It's all right."

   Without really knowing what he was doing, Hakkai pulled the covers back. Gojyo froze, even his trembling ceasing, when Hakkai laid himself down next to Gojyo and pulled the covers back up over them. He rolled over onto his side and snaked his arms around Gojyo, pulling him close into his warm body so that Gojyo's head was resting between his chest and his chin.

   "I love you... Hakkai..." he choked, eyes threatening to close, and somehow Hakkai knew that it wasn't just the drink talking.

   He squeezed his eyes tight shut, feeling tears escape them all the same. Stroking Gojyo's beautiful red hair, Hakkai kissed the top of his head firmly. He wondered if Gojyo would remember this when he woke up. "I love you too, Gojyo," he whispered, barely audible.

   Gojyo's breathing slowed and he was asleep within seconds, curled up against Hakkai's warm body. It took Hakkai a lot longer to get to sleep; he was too scared to sleep. He'd never been so scared in all his life. His tears seeped out, soaking the pillow. A thousand questions ricocheted around his head as he tried not to think about what might happen tomorrow. He tried to ignore them, he had no way of knowing the answers. But the questions kept coming back. Would Gojyo still love him sober? Would Gojyo give a shit about him sober? Would Gojyo want him there at all–

   It took Hakkai a lot longer to get to sleep.

 

---END OF PART 2---

 

---

 

19/06/08 – Plot amendment & edit

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