- Title: Impulse
- Author: Gonou's Girl
- Pairing(s): GojyoxHakkai
- Rating: R
- Summary or description: When Gojyo suddenly acts on impulse, Hakkai's reaction is far from pretty…
- Disclaimer: All characters owned by the magnificent Minekura-sama *bows down in reverence*
- Email: elphame_lives [at] msn [dot] com
- Warnings: angst; my apologies to the gorgeous Gojyo!


---PART 1---


Gojyo was late. Again. Just how many times had this happened, exactly? Hakkai laughed at himself. All he needed to do was work out how long it had been since Gojyo had found him and brought him home, and that would be the amount of times Gojyo had kept him waiting.

   541 days.

   Sigh. Hakkai wondered why he still called it "late" when clearly Gojyo was never going to turn up when expected. But then again, exactly how late Gojyo was differed every day, so it wasn't as if he could predict an "on time".

   Still, thought Hakkai, glancing once more at the clock, it is rather late...

   He shook his head, deciding he was, as usual, simply worrying too much. Gojyo would come home when he was ready, and worrying about him wasn't going to make him come back any quicker, or protect him from danger. As if Gojyo wasn't able to take care of himself anyway.

   Sigh. He was worrying again.

   Hakkai got up from the table, bringing his mug of tea with him. Gojyo's meal, once hot and enticing, looked rather pitiful sat on the table on its own, a pair of unbroken chopsticks lying next to the bowl of ramen, at perfect right angles to the table edge.

   Seriously. Hakkai worried too much.

   Rather irritated with himself, Hakkai poured the remainder of his tea down the sink. He rested his hands on either side of the bowl before turning on the taps. It was always best to keep himself occupied. He laughed slightly. He wondered if Gojyo's house would be this clean if Gojyo didn't make him worry so much.

   Irked, he started to wash the dishes, pretending that he was grinding his fist into Gojyo's stupid face instead.




Hakkai heard a sound on the other side of the front door and glared at the table, half annoyed with Gojyo that he dared to come home at all after making Hakkai worry so much. But then, thought Hakkai reasonably, this was Gojyo's house after all, and he was only here with Gojyo's permission. If Gojyo wanted to stay out late, he supposed it was no one's business but Gojyo's.

   The door opened and Hakkai looked up to greet his good-for-nothing landlord. He wasn't sure which emotion to show, anger or relief, and in the end decided to show neither.

   "Yo, Hakkai!" Gojyo said, holding the door-frame slightly for support – drunk – even though there was no slur to his voice. His grin was sheepish and lopsided. "Sorry I'm so late, man. Got caught up."

   "Ah, that's alright, Gojyo," Hakkai responded, unable to bring himself to say more. Usual apology, usual forgiveness.

   Gojyo didn't seem bothered that Hakkai wasn't very talkative. He stumbled slightly on route to the table and sat down very heavily in the chair. Within seconds, his boots were predictably on the table. As he lit up a new cigarette, he caught sight of his dinner. "Aw, man," he said, looking rather guilty but failing to hide a certain pleasure. Hakkai supposed that Gojyo was entertained when people gave him unearned attention. "That looked like it would have been awesome. Not," he added hurriedly, "that it probably isn't awesome now! I mean..." He leant forward, eyes on the ramen (perhaps aware of the ill-hidden ice in Hakkai's glare) and broke the chopsticks. He took the noodles between the chopsticks and slurped them up enthusiastically. His expression clouded for a moment, but he valiantly continued. "Yup," he confirmed between shudders, "still good. You're a great cook, Hakkai!"

   "Aha," Hakkai laughed, still resiliently holding up that mask. "It would have been good four hours ago," he said pointedly.

   Gojyo stopped eating the ramen and looked up at Hakkai, bewildered. "Four hours...?" he repeated. "Shit, man. Don't you know by now that I have a pretty late bedtime?" He grinned mischievously.

   "Aha, you're quite right," Hakkai conceded. "I should know by now."

   Hakkai got up again and Gojyo looked to the cold ramen, and then back up to Hakkai. "Shit, Hakkai. I really am sorry. Y'know?"

   Hakkai shrugged the comment off, trying not to meet Gojyo's eyes. There was something very sad in those eyes. "Don't worry about it, Gojyo. I am only a guest here, after all."

   These words seemed to make Gojyo's eyes even sadder and Hakkai felt a little remorse. He was being rather colder than he had been in the past. Perhaps Gojyo wasn't used to him having emotions.

   Hakkai smiled at Gojyo, trying to make it as genuine as he could. It was quite a battle, but he thought it might work. "If you don't like the ramen, don't eat it, Gojyo. It's fine, really."

   Gojyo continued to look at Hakkai, and Hakkai missed the sadness deepen. "Seems a shame, after you put all that effort into it an' all." He took a deep breath, and looked at the ramen. "But it is pretty shit."

   At this, Hakkai found a genuine laugh escape him and he finally felt himself relax. "I'll throw it away then." He reached down and took the bowl away from Gojyo, moving once more to the sink. "I think you should go to bed, though, Gojyo. It really is quite late."

   He heard Gojyo laugh behind him. "You're up late too, Hakkai," he said, poignantly.

   "Ah, don't worry about me," Hakkai responded mechanically. "I'm used to it."

   Gojyo sighed behind him and stood up, his chair scraping against the floor. "Shit. Well, I'm gonna use the bathroom first. One of alcohol's less glorious side-effects. 'Night, Hakkai."

   "Goodnight, Gojyo," Hakkai answered, turning to see Gojyo wave nonchalantly over his shoulder.



Hakkai finished washing up the bowl. He'd taken some time over it, although he wasn't sure why. He didn't seem to have much memory of doing the washing up. He had been more preoccupied with the sadness he'd seen in Gojyo's eyes. He didn't even understand it. All he knew was that it bothered him.

   He put the bowl in the cupboard, making sure it was parallel to the bowl beneath it, and started to walk to his room opposite the bathroom. As he got almost half-way down the corridor, Gojyo came out of the bathroom. He saw Hakkai and grinned. "I guess it's good night again, Hakkai," he smiled.

   "Aha, yes. Goodnight again, Gojyo," Hakkai responded, wearing that usual fake smile.

   It happened when they passed each other on the way to bed.

   They passed, shoulder to shoulder, and Gojyo just stopped dead in his tracks, his face hidden by his hair. Hakkai, hearing Gojyo stop and being naturally curious, stopped a step later, and turned instinctively to see what was wrong. "Gojyo?" he began. "Is everything–"

   Something seemed to snap in Gojyo. Suddenly he turned and rushed towards Hakkai. With one step, his body was practically touching Hakkai's. Taken aback, and not a little scared, Hakkai automatically stumbled backwards, finding only wall at his back. But Gojyo didn't stop – he continued as if nothing had happened, still moving into Hakkai, who had nowhere to go. Then, as suddenly as he started, Gojyo stopped.

   Hakkai was stood there, stuck between the wall and Gojyo. Gojyo's face was so close to his that it was impossible to focus on him properly. He could feel Gojyo's breath on his mouth, hear it as though it was roaring in his ears. Gojyo's arms were suspended in mid-air, as though they'd been about to grab something, although it looked like it was taking a lot of effort to keep them there. Gojyo was so close to him that he could feel him trembling, hear his blood pounding, hear him swallowing nervously. Gojyo was so close that his hair was tickling Hakkai's cheek, and yet he wasn't touching him; it was as if there was an invisible barrier that was stopping him from going that last little inch.

   Hakkai's eyes widened in shock as all forms of thought vanished from his head. He didn't know what was happening, he couldn't process it. His brain was stuck. All he could think about was how close Gojyo was standing to him, all he could focus on was those blurred red eyes inches from his own. And Gojyo just stayed there, hovering next to him, poised, looking almost as stuck as Hakkai's thought process. His breathing was continuing to race, coming in ragged gasps; he licked his lips. Hakkai was too close to see that Gojyo's eyes were beginning to glisten. Hakkai was so shocked that he wasn't even trying to work out what was going on in Gojyo's mind – he couldn't. He couldn't even move – he was just frozen, mind empty and blank, face empty and blank, heart suspended in mid-beat. What was on earth was Gojyo doing?

   Gojyo breathed even faster, even harder, as if he was trying to steel himself, gathering courage to finish his move. He leant forward, lead by his lips, moving that final inch into Hakkai.

   And suddenly, Hakkai understood.

   Gojyo was trying to kiss him.

   And almost before he could think about it, Hakkai found his hands rising up to meet Gojyo's chest. With as much force as he could muster, driven by fear, rage and confusion, he pushed Gojyo violently away from him as he ducked sideways, avoiding the kiss. Taken by surprise, Gojyo staggered hard into the opposite wall. Hakkai stared at him for a moment, anger boiling up inside him, his fists clenched by his side, all his arm muscles painfully taught. He didn't even notice it.

   Gojyo was staring at Hakkai too, with eyes silently screaming fear. He looked as though he couldn't believe what was happening. He had never looked so pitifully out of control.

   Hakkai quickly lowered his gaze and raised his arm, making Gojyo flinch slightly. But his attention was not on Gojyo. Instead of hitting him, he wiped his mouth slowly with the back of his hand, as though Gojyo had succeeded in kissing him.

   He was vaguely aware of Gojyo speaking, as if from a great distance, without caring what was being said. Without a word to the man he'd lived with for 541 days, Hakkai turned his back on Gojyo and walked straight out the door.


---END OF PART 1---




19/06/08 - Edited 

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