Title: Wildflower (Part 6 of Torrent) -
Chapter 8
Author: Befanini
Website: http://www.fanfiction.net/~befanini
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just another piece
inspired by Kazuya Minekura's delicious boys.
Rating: M
Summary: "Bloom where you're planted." A long-overdue songfic of random ruminations by four souls bound by fate. Part 6 of the Torrent series.
iii. Earth's Child
XxXxX
Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart,
and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving; and for every breath a song. –
Konrad Von Gesner
XxXxX
---
He's always been my sun, always.
Glowing with a brightness that not even the deepest dark can swallow up. And
although the dreams I had in the cave remain blurry and vague, and though the
few times I've faintly recalled some other form that burned with his radiance
vanished as soon as my limiter was restored – I do perfectly recall the time he
came for me… that brilliant, blue day when he walked up out of nowhere and
blocked my view of the sun.
Suddenly he
was there, after days and days, after endless years of hoping and waiting – and
not even the sun could compare to the light that shone from him… from his hair,
from his face, from his eyes. When he stood there before me, I suddenly felt
that it was all worth it – the emptiness and the silence and the solitude I had
endured were as nothing; they were a small price to pay that brought me to this
moment when I saw him face to face again.
Again.
That seems
like a strange word, but it feels right. Because I felt then in that instant
that I had known him before… that I'd known him forever.
I still do.
That day he
held out his hand to me… and the chains and the shackles that had bound me for
so long surrendered me to him so readily, crumbling to nothingness with a faint
sigh as if they too had only been waiting for him to come so they could finally
let go.
Whatever else
happens, I will remember that day for as long as I live.
I can't
explain exactly how I feel about him. Affection, loyalty, awe – none of those
words are enough. Love, perhaps, but even love is a poor word to fully express
the joy and contentment I feel just knowing I belong to him.
Yes, I belong
to him, although I cannot claim that he belongs to me – Sanzo
belongs to no one but himself, I think; not even to Gojyo to whom he has now
opened his heart. But I don't mind, and that's not the point. The point is that
Sanzo and I share a bond that is ours alone, a connection that is as old as
time, as infinite as the stars above on a really clear night. He and I share an
understanding that is solid and ancient and true. And nothing can change that –
not being apart for five hundred years, not him wearing a different face and
bearing a different name, not the minus wave we have been appointed to reverse,
nor the revival experiment we've been ordered to prevent.
Not a tragic
soul from a distant past… from another world… a being who had an eye the same
as me, who seemed to suffer a pain that I can only dimly recall suffering too…
No, not even he who taught me the full measure of my ability, the one who I
realized I looked up to, respected, and had even come to love – not even he
could come between me and Sanzo.
And so if my
episode with Homura made no difference, then neither does Sanzo's relationship
with Gojyo now. I meant what I said to the erogappa when we had our little
talk. I don't mind at all. And I meant what I said to Sanzo too when we
had our own heart-to-heart: I'm glad that Gojyo makes him shine.
It makes me
happy to see Sanzo looking more relaxed and content than I've ever seen him
before. It gives me a nice feeling inside seeing him smile nowadays, hearing
him laugh, even. There's a tiny softening in his eyes, a new warmth in his
voice, as if the fire of the kappa's eyes and hair have melted an invisible
wall of ice that has kept Sanzo so distant and so cold for so long.
Of course
being Sanzo he scolds like the devil if anyone should dare bring up the subject
of him and Gojyo, and the harisen is ever-ready to shut anyone up who dares to
speak of their relationship. Hehe. Yes, even Hakkai has tasted the sting of the
fan for the first time; but as I told him, he's still darn lucky – because not
even Sanzo's punishments hurt quite as much as they used to do.
Being with
Gojyo has revealed a temperance in Sanzo, a very subtle gentling of his nature
that none but the three of us could really notice. But it's there. He doesn't
brood as much as he did, a certain shadow has gone from his eyes, and his voice
is just that bit less sharp.
In fact he now
glows much brighter than the sun.
Yes he does.
It's as if being with Gojyo has lifted away an invisible veil that up till now
Sanzo was wearing like a cloak to hide his true brilliance. But now there is no
hiding the happiness that Sanzo has found in loving and being loved – and it is
this which magnifies his beauty, and his radiance, that sometimes my eyes hurt
to look at him and I have to look away.
But you know
what? He sees it, he senses – and he won't allow any awkwardness between the
two of us to spring from him and Gojyo being together; just like Gojyo makes
sure that Hakkai feels no less special to him, no less his best friend, his "precious
person". Because that is what we are to them. Sanzo and Gojyo are in love
with each other; but Hakkai and I – we are the kindred souls to whom each of
them is bound, without reason, without explanation, without question.
Naturally
since it's Sanzo, he only frowns when I get self-conscious and stammer, looking
from him to Gojyo – and I get a mild swat with the fan and the irritated snort
– "'Ch! Don't be an idiot, bakazaru!" And then he reaches out and
messes my hair, and he looks me in the eye and I nod and scratch my nose
sheepishly and we're okay.
And we really
are. I feel no less special to him even with him caring for Gojyo so much.
There is just no comparison. Because truly, I have never felt the way it's
obvious that the kappa feels for him – I've never thought of Sanzo that way. I
love him fiercely and completely, yes – as a father perhaps, or more truly as
an older brother; although even that cannot begin to describe it. I look up to
him, I cherish his words, and his hand on my forehead saying good-night; I
worry when he's sick or silent or unhappy. I feel lost without him, as I did
when Homura kept me in chains, as I did all those long silent years in my cave.
The way Gojyo
loves Sanzo, I think, is that the kappa could quite cheerfully say goodbye to
this mission and turn his back on the world and carry Sanzo off to a place
where he and Sanzo could just be together forever.
As for me, it's
a different desire. All I want is to be sure of Sanzo's safety, and his health,
and his happiness. Seeing Sanzo happy makes me happy. When he snorts and
mutters "stupid monkey" in that oddly affectionate, cross way and I
feel his hand on my head, warm and solid and strong, I feel that there is
nothing I cannot do, no one I cannot be. He is my inspiration and the light
that makes me grow, like the flowers turn their faces to the sun.
As long as
Sanzo is there, the sky seems bluer and food tastes more delicious. More than a
few times now I have been told of my "legacy", the "power"
that I bear, that I am Seiten Taisei Son Goku, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven –
but without Sanzo to restore me to myself then I am just another bloodthirsty
demon, aren't I? So you see my soul truly does belong to him – for whatever
reason, only he can quiet the beast that apparently lives inside me, only his
voice can reach me wherever I am, when nothing else can… just like my
voice reached him.
He and Gojyo
belong to each other the way that "lovers" do, and that's fine.
Because the way that I belong to Sanzo hasn't changed and will never change. He
is the wisdom that teaches me, the hands that freed me, the will that protects
me, the heart that gave me a home… the voice that gave me my name.
He gave
me my name.
Yes, I believe
that, even if I can't explain how I'm so sure of it, even if I clearly recall
telling him my name all those years ago when he had come to release me.
I just know that my name is a gift given to me by the one who shines like the
sun.
So as long as "my
sun" shines, so long as he lives and breathes, I want nothing more than to
walk beside him and keep him company, to protect him and to hear him say my
name, through this journey and beyond.
Sanzo is the
sun and I am the sunflower, content and perfectly happy in my little patch of
earth, bending and swaying with the breezes as I follow his progress through
the sky. His light nourishes me, it is from him that I draw power and
strength… just as I remind him perhaps of what is simple and pure and honest in
this world.
We are stuck
with each other, him and I, and Gojyo and Hakkai too. The sense of rightness
that flooded me when Sanzo set me free became a sense of true belonging, of
happy completion, that night that we first met Gojyo and Hakkai. It was as if
pieces of a long-forgotten puzzle had fallen into place, somehow. Just as I'd
known that I belonged with Sanzo, I also knew that the both of us belonged with
the two of them as well – that the four of us together were all parts of a
whole, just as there are four seasons in a year: spring, summer, winter and
fall. I don't know how this journey will end, nor what waits for us at the end
of the long road to the west. If all that we have gone through so far is any
indication of what's ahead, then there are sure to be more hard times coming…
more sorrow, more loss.
We could very
possibly even lose each other, the four of us. I could lose Sanzo. But I try
not to think about it too much. There is still a long way to go, and in the
meantime there is the great big blue sky, the wind on my face, heaps of food
along the way, card games and mahjong sessions on our stops, nights of
stargazing with Hakkai. Rousing arguments with the erogappa, now more than ever.
Heh. And Sanzo's hand on my head in the deep of night, mutely blessing me
without words.
Whatever
happens, I have them – Gojyo, Hakkai, Hakuryu. And I have Sanzo. Sometimes
there is a tiny premonition that whispers to me, about my part in this mission;
about what I will have to do, what I'll have to sacrifice when the moment
comes. The voice that whispers to me is one I do not know and yet one that is
so very familiar… a child-like voice I remember laughing with, telling stories
with, crying with. He seems to be a part of me that I left behind a long, long
time ago… a missing piece of the puzzle, someone to whom I have something
important to tell.
The thought of
what I may have to give up at the end of this journey is something I would
rather not dwell on. When it comes, if it comes, then it will come. And
even if it means letting go of the ones that I love – of the one that I love
above all – I won't be afraid, because I know in my heart that we will find
each other again. Five hundred, ten thousand years – what does it matter? We
belong together, and that is that.
Sanzo and I.
Gojyo and
Hakkai.
The four of
us, together.
I know.
The sun is
forever.
And so are we.
---
XxXxX
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."
XxXxX
---
TBC.
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