Title: To Die For

Author: Befanini
Website: http://www.fanfiction.net/~befanini

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. For dark daydreaming purposes only. XD

Rating: M for language.

Summary: A proud, haughty, arrogant blonde wants a certain hentai redhead DEAD.

A/N: I regret to announce that this is my last fanfic… for 2005! Hah! As if I could ever cure myself of this Sanzo/Gojyo and Saiyuki addiction… I'm so obsessed with these boys it is sick. XD Till next year, then… Happy Holidays!

P.s. Very, very dark fic. I don't quite know where it came from, actually… Could it be? The one who writes Sanzo/Gojyo romances is actually writing such a thing? Unfortunately, yes. This isn't so much a daydream as it is a nightmare…


Die! Die, you sonofabitch. Why don't you just goddamn die!

Stupid kappa. I'm starting to think Goku was right, after all, when he first started calling Gojyo a cockroach. The bastard is damn difficult to kill.

I should know. Buddha knows I've tried so many times to do away with the cocky, perverted redhead, although truth to tell I'm not proud of myself.

But I can't help it. Goddamn kappa. Fucking Gojyo. I want him dead.

I've killed so many in my lifetime, it's true; and I'm not proud of that either, even though it was honestly a case of damn or be damned. Survival. I fought for it. At the cost of my soul, perhaps, but I wanted to live.

This time, though, my reasons are entirely selfish.

And so here I am again… keeping to the darkness and the shadows, as I follow on his trail. I've lost count how many times I've done this, and how many attempts I've made to finish Sha Gojyo off. All I'm sure of is this burning, compulsive desire to see the bastard die.

I've tried poisoning his food, and fuck that almost worked, except that the damn bakazaru went and gobbled the meal up when Gojyo failed to show up for dinner. The bastard came in hours later instead – in the wee hours of the very next day, in fact; smelling of liquor and cigarettes and women and sex. Fucking bastard.

It's a good thing Goku has a stomach of steel, and was only seriously sick for a few days, and eventually got better with a lot of help from Hakkai. Because let me tell you – the dose I slipped in there was lethal. Enough to wipe out a dozen youkai, and Gojyo is only half-demon to begin with.

And the strange thing is, is that nobody suspected a damn thing; Hakkai merely put it down to the food having spoiled, and Gojyo of course turned it into a whole smug lecture of how the monkey's greediness and gluttony paid him back big time. Damn blind, trusting idiots.

Another time was when he borrowed the jeep to go off somewhere on a little trip of his own. He'd promised to take care of the dragon, and to come back in good time without causing anybody any inconvenience. Hah! Well, short of decapitating the mini-dragon, I put all my powers of persuasion to work on Hakuryu, promising it everything I could think of; if only it would perhaps throw the damn fool off at full speed, or tip Gojyo over a cliff, or even run him over. Heh. You can imagine how that went. Stupid Hakuryu. Just as softhearted as its master. I should have shot that blasted dragon when I had the chance.

I did manage to get Gojyo run over in my latest attempt, though – it happened a month or so ago, one rainy night, when he'd been out drinking and gambling and whoring like he didn't have a care in the world. I was there in the shadows, as always, waiting and fuming and watching him as he carried on like some kind of big shot – finishing off bottle after bottle, raking in the money, with fucking whores draped all over him like snakes.

Of course when his opponents gave up – either being too drunk or too broke – the bastard then got up and made off with three females. Three. Can't you guess? A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, of course. Fucking pervert. But I waited. Oh yes I did. And when the bastard finally came down, smelling of cheap perfume and reeking of even cheaper sex, I was there in the shadows.

And the first chance I got, out in the dark street, I pushed the drunken fool – straight into the path of a speeding truck.

Bastard didn't die, fuck it all. He wound up with multiple, life-threatening injuries, but he didn't die. Goddammit. He was in critical condition in the hospital for a few days, but he really is one tough asshole. Even after I sneaked into the ICU and pulled out all the plugs on the machines he was hooked up to. By this time I was actually feeling the crushing weight of guilt, and the even more unbearable burden of pity for his broken body lying there helpless – and I actually did this last out of mercy… as much mercy as a cold-hearted bastard like me is capable of.

He lived through it.

I've even sent several packs of youkai after him. Yes, I've even sunk that low. I've actually gone as far as approaching the enemy, unseen, unknown, and whispering secrets in their ears, giving them information about where and when to lie in wait to ambush the stupid kappa. Not that they even present a problem to the half-breed, but a guy can hope, eh? I'm not proud of it, but I've done it. I still do it.

And I'll keep on doing it, along with my hovering in the shadows, as I do now, trailing his footsteps as once more he loses himself in the empty nightlife of yet another godforsaken town. Nobody notices me as I take a seat at an empty corner of the bar, and wait for him to finish. No matter how long it takes. I follow him silently and unseen, and wait for my chance to deliver Gojyo to his death.

I know what you're thinking. "What a sorry bastard you are, Sanzo." And you would be both right and wrong. I've always been a bastard. But you would be wrong to assume I wish Sha Gojyo dead because I hate him. If you think so, that actually makes you wrong on two counts.

You see… I love Sha Gojyo. I love him so much that I literally haunt him day and night. Literally, because your second assumption is mistaken too: I'm not "Sanzo" anymore.



Come into these arms again

And lay your body down

The rhythm of this trembling heart

Is beating like a drum

It beats for you – it bleeds for you

It knows not how it sounds

For it is the drum of drums

It is the song of songs…



Damn it, kappa, why won't you die? Why can't you see that I die a little death every time I see you wasting your life away, smoking like a goddamn chimney, drinking yourself to the gutter… groaning as you lose yourself in another faceless, nameless body… and afterwards crying yourself to sleep.

God but I miss you – and I could bear it, I could bear you being alive still, and me this lost ghost, forever haunting you if need be, if only you were happy like I wanted you to be. Like you promised me. I could even bear watching you jealously from the shadows as you make love to your beautiful wife, and cherish your children with her, if only you had them. I could bear anything than the howling emptiness in your eyes as you fight to keep your promise to me – your promise to go on.

Well fuck, what is the point in going on, stupid kappa, if you "go on" as you're doing right now? It tears me apart to hear you calling the name I used to bear… Sanzo… to hear you sobbing it in your sleep, or screaming it when you come in yet another stranger's arms, or shouting it to the trees whenever you borrow Hakuryu for your "drives" and you end up at my grave.

I ache to hear your heart beating to the relentless, merciless tattoo… Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo… day in, day out, minute by minute, second after agonizing second.

It hurts not to be able to comfort you… It hurts that you can't feel the touch of my hand as I ghost it through your hair, it hurts that I can't wipe away your tears with my fingertips, it hurts that you can't hear my broken murmurs of comfort as I lay down beside you when you go home to your empty bed night after night.

I miss you so, Gojyo… Who would have ever thought that I, Konzen Douji, would have fallen so hard and so completely for the goddamn cocky general.

And that's why I close my eyes to the pain and suffering your human death would feel, because I know it would only be a tiny sting over all too soon… and you, Kenren my love, will be in my arms once again.

Ah hell. I'm such a selfish bastard.



Let me be the only one

To keep you from the cold

Now the floor of Heaven's lain

With stars of brightest gold

They shine for you – they shine for you

They burn for all to see

Come into these arms again

And set this spirit free





Well, there you have it. My first "K/K", although strictly speaking it's Konzen/Kappa (as opposed to Konzen/Kenren – that will be coming soon in a chapter of the sequel to Sol Invictus).

Although this fic is essentially a one-shot, given the details of the last parts I suppose you could call it a "transition fic" from the Longing stories to Sol Invictus. However, I didn't label it as such – to me, writing Sanzo/Konzen this dark feels unnatural and seems like a betrayal of my style. I just wanted to try violent and nasty Sanzo once. I don't think I'll do it again – I believe Sanzo is deeper than that.

Also coming soon (whichever I finish first): due to 'insistent popular demand' (heh. As if…), I present "the fic where Hakkai and Goku find out about Sanzo and Gojyo". This takes place in the TORRENT thread, so I suggest you refresh yourself with that series (or get acquainted with it if you haven't read it yet). The dynamics of Barely Breathing, unfortunately, demand that the lovers are kept deliciously secret; so the "discovery" fic necessarily has to take place within the Torrent arc. In case you're confused by now, a "guide to the works of Befanini" is available from my profiles page.

Ja! Happy daydreaming…


"Love Song For A Vampire" copyright Annie Lennox.

Japanese mini-glossary:

Kappa: water demon

Bakazaru: stupid monkey

Youkai: demon

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