Title: Longing 2: The Silent Path

Author: Befanini
Website: http://www.fanfiction.net/~befanini

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. For bittersweet daydreaming purposes only. XD

Rating: T

Summary: Sonnet for Genjyo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo. Part 2 of the "Longing" thread.

A/N: This is a collection of poems I wrote a few years back. Somehow they called to me, and I dug them up, and whaddya know – they fit perfectly with the dark fanfic mood I find myself in at the moment. You must read Longing 1: The Road Less Traveled to fully appreciate these poems as they apply to the rogue priest and his secret lover. Ne? Part 3 coming up… All poems copyright the Author.

Chapter I. Amethyst

To be or not to be?

To win or to lose?

To create or to destroy?

To aspire or be content?

To bend or to break?

To stay or to go?

To mourn or to move on?

To accept or to pretend?

To be bitter or enlightened?

To laugh or to weep?

To be true or to deceive?

To admit or to deny?

To hope or to abandon?

To hide or to reveal?

To scream or to keep silent?

To believe or to doubt?

To surrender or to fight?

To bleed or to heal?

To hold on or to let go?

To choose or not to choose

To live or to die?

…To love! And only

to love.

Chapter II. Ruby Sadomasochism

I carry the burden of

unforgiving

unrelenting

unabating

pain.

Without a choice

Without a hope

Nailed to my cross

Tried

Condemned and

Sentenced

To suffer

In silence

Forever.

My crime

and my punishment

are one and the same.

For I am

by love

crucified.

 

Chapter III. Amethyst You

My dream and

my reality

My joy and

my sorrow

My pleasure and

my pain

My pride and

my madness

My strength and

my weakness

My triumph and

my defeat

My torment and

my hope

My passion and

my inspiration

My music and

my grief

My storm and

my sunshine…

My boy

My hero

My friend

My soulmate

My first, my last and

always

My love.

 

Chapter IV. Ruby Nocturnal

I embrace the darkness, I can't stand the light

I roam with my shadow in the still of the night

The night does not judge, she allows me my tears

I can take off my mask, let my true face appear

To the silence and the darkness, I surrender my cross

Of the blankness of my stare, of the depth of my loss

Of the emptiness of these hands, of the lament of this soul

Of the sorrow that I hide, of my spirit bowed low

Of the hopes that were lost, of the dreams that were shattered

Of the faith that was stolen, and my love that was trampled

The harsh light of day I find too unkind

But the night brings me magic, and a peace that is kind

I can call out his name and the night won't condemn me

I can live in my memories and the dark she forgives me

I can live out my fantasies with the dreams she allows me

In a torrent of love, my soul's yearnings set free

And the last sight I behold

Before sleep's sweet oblivion

Is his face in the stars…

My cursed, fatal attraction.

 

Chapter V. Amethyst Insomniac

How did this happen

Why can't I even cry

I feel so far removed

I have retreated into myself

Too deeply to ever be retrieved again

I function on autopilot

Day to day, minute by minute

With but one thing to look forward to

Awaiting the escape of

Merciful sleep

And even that is elusive

I don't wish to die

Yet I am not living

Just barely existing

I wonder

How to summon to me

The godfairies of Sleeping Beauty

That I may slumber away

This pain

This suffering

This utter emptiness

Until he should come

And breathe life into me

Again.

 

Chapter VI. Ruby Fall From Grace

A million yesterdays ago

With the passionate bravado

Of an inexperienced heart

I made this vow:

To be always secure

To give nothing away

To stand proud alone

To never love too much.

I would never apologize.

I would never beg.

And nobody would ever have

that much control over me.

I would say goodbye.

I would leave.

I would break the hearts.

No man would ever make me cry.

How the mighty have fallen.

Now I know.

Love kills.

It rips you apart.

It leaves nothing untouched.

It allows no room for pride.

It possesses completely.

It teaches mercilessly.

And unless you are that strong,

it can leave you with

nothing but ashes.

The one thing you are left with

Is the bittersweet truth

That his happiness matters

more than your own.

But even so,

I never dreamt

That love could ever hurt

this much.

Truly,

ONLY love

Can break your heart.

 

Chapter VII. Amethyst Eureka!

I don't need you to succeed

Each person builds his own success

I don't need you to be fulfilled

Each person finds his own fulfillment.

I don't need you to survive

A person can survive on his own.

But I need you to inspire

my success.

I need you to complete

my fulfillment.

I need you to justify

my survival.

I need you for meaning in life.

I need you to be happy.

I need you to be whole.

I don't need you to be alive.

I need you

to LIVE.

 

Chapter VIII. Ruby Are You There, God?

At the lowest point in my life

When all hope was rock bottom

When dreams lost their meaning

And heartache threatened to engulf me

I turned to you.

I sought comfort from Your wisdom

And found my one consolation

in the consciousness of virtue –

I was redeemed only by my sincere efforts

To follow in Your footsteps

And love with no conditions.

I fought to learn Your gentle lesson

of divine love

I struggled to shoulder my cross

And carry on

Silent

Unquestioning

And with my weak, human spirit –

Resigned.

But ever trusting

ever faithful

and always

walking on.

I try to be willing

to accept my burden

and draw inspiration from the fact

that I follow in Your example.

I have come thus far.

I have survived this much.

I have kept only so much hope

as to sustain me.

Still I am uncertain

I am yet afraid

For more and more

I am coming to recognize

That for all my readiness

to live Your example –

My love cannot be perfectly divine:

I am born human

And my mortal soul cries out

With yearning for him

for the freedom to look in his eyes

for the right to touch his face

For the happiness I find

only in his arms.

I have endured this long

With the help of Your guidance

With the sweet echo of

times gone by

With the steely resolve to

never say die

Or if to die, then to die hard

and die fighting

… And always with

that faint and flickering,

that lingering hope

to someday hold

his hand again.

That hope has sustained me

It has carried me thus far

It has given me reason

To reach inside myself

and find the strength to survive.

Has it come to the point

Where I open my hand

And find that the hope I have clung to

Has crumbled to dust on my palm?

Shall I open my eyes

And see through the blood –

That's all it was after all…

Just the brief embrace

of two kindred souls

And forever

this unfinished feeling?

I know life can give

no guarantees

You teach us patience

And faith in Your will

Otherwise

We cannot call ourselves

Human beings

Only

Human existings.

Tell me –

After walking this far

Will my hard-fought sacrifice

become my hopeless sin?

Shall all my efforts

have been in vain

And have I wasted Your time

in confiding to You

All my cares and my hopes

and my trust?

Or is it simply that

You DO answer all prayers…

The harsh truth only that

Sometimes

The answer is – "No".

 

Chapter IX. Amethyst Boundless

I know not if curse or blessing

This love Heaven's granted me

It has conquered and enslaved

Yet has also set me free

Allowed me a glimpse of heaven

Given me samples of dark hell

Is there a lesson to be learned?

And have I learned it well?

I have tasted youthful passion

Known the sweetness of romance

Grasped the poignance of true love

Held its promise in my hands

Then discovered its real meaning

When I had to set him free

Follow in God's footsteps

Try to love unselfishly

Then did love reveal its flip side

The dark nature of the coin

My passion became my misery

Morbid fancies were then born

Sacrifice seemed romantic

But has only brought me grief:

I lost my faith, I lost my will

And all desire to live.

Am I expected to survive?

Am I supposed to fight?

And if I am, then tell me how

To turn darkness into light

For I cannot see

I cannot hear

My senses have gone numb

I cannot escape the hole

I'm in

No matter how

I jump

Love has crippled me, you see

It has weakened me

Given me strength only to cry

For all that was

And what might have been

As endless time drones by

And yet…

There IS virtue in suffering,

And this I have come to see;

With a spirit purified by pain

I accept this reality:

The lesson we were born to grasp

Is to learn of love divine –

Love that is free, unconditional

Without any ties that bind

The kind that says "I love you"

With no cause but "Just because"

The way God loves, with no – "What for?"

… I only wish

I could have held him more.

 

Chapter X. Ruby/Amethyst Trial By Fury

I can hardly believe I've come this far

I've put myself back together

I've healed my broken heart

I've restored my dignity

and regained my self-respect

I'm no longer living a lie.

But if there is one thing I have learned

It is that I love him.

I loved him in my innocence

I loved him in my pain

I loved him in my healing

And I love him still in my freedom.

I've grown

I've matured

I've moved forward

I have found myself again.

But I love him still.

And I know now

I will love him

Even when I am dust on the ground.

I don't expect anyone

to understand or believe me.

It is what I know to be true,

and for what it's worth,

it sustains me.

But I do so hate to be misjudged.

I am labeled a martyr

I am accused of weakness

Just because

I would rather hurt myself

than cause him pain.

I am scorned and ridiculed

for caring

more for his happiness

than my own.

I don't get it –

Where is my selflessness?

Where is the strength

I had to find

To say goodbye

Even though it tore me apart

to let him go?

Where is the courage

I had to fight for

To give him his freedom

With no guarantee that he'll ever return?

Where is the will

I had to create

To pick up the pieces

And start over again?

So don't limit your judgment

to the pride that I swallowed

and swallowed so quietly

in order to save him

the burden of guilt.

Don't condemn me.

Don't make a mockery of the

sacrifice I made.

Don't turn it into my sin.

I have no regrets.

None.

'To thine own self be true.'

I am.

That is all anyone can ask of me.

And it shouldn't be a crime.

For if it is,

then everything is a lie

nothing is what it is

and all of sense is a travesty.

So hate me if you will.

But don't pity me,

Just because I happen

to love him

more than myself.

Am I supposed to feel shame

that my love is that pure?

Bullshit.

You don't know.

You have no idea.

You have no right

to make something filthy

out of my sincerity.

I am in earnest.

I suffer without complaint,

and I suffer alone.

I don't want your sympathy.

I don't need your approval.

No one can take from me

nor mar what is in my innermost heart;

And it is there that he lies,

Forever safe and secure

Deep within my soul.

My love is unconditional.

No greater love

has anyone than this.

(Gojyo:) I loved him from the beginning.

(Sanzo:) And I'll love him till the end.

-owari-

A/N: Please take note that these poems were written 8 years ago (when I first had my heart broken, sniff); they were not written specifically for Longing. So some parts of some poems might not necessarily fit. But as mentioned above, I just remembered them all of a sudden, being in the same mood as the Longing thread which I'm working on, and they fit amazingly well if you overlook the occasional ill-fitting line…. Oh, ALL RIGHT, then, I was too damn LAZY to revise, okay? XP Harharhar… Ja!

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