Title: Longing 1: The Road Less Traveled - Chapter 5

Author: Befanini
Website: http://www.fanfiction.net/~befanini

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. For bittersweet daydreaming purposes only. XD

Rating: T/M for language. Shounen-ai.

Summary: "Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."


Chapter 5

"This can't go on, kappa," Sanzo slurred. It was a week since Gojyo's arrival, since Gojyo had shared the latest news of Hakkai's twin boys. They were seated at the temple's courtyard, and the whole place was quiet, the monks having gone to sleep hours ago. It was just the two of them, still drinking far into the night. The ashtray between them was long past overflowing. They were on their seventh bottle of sake. A sickle moon hung low in the sky.

"Nani?" Gojyo drawled back, lighting up another Hi-Lite. "Don't tell me you're ready to quit!" he teased. "You're getting soft… c'mon, it's your shot. Now drink up!" he slurred, sloshing another measure of liquor into Sanzo's cup.

Sanzo waved a dismissive hand, standing unsteadily before he got control of himself, and walked out to stand in the shadows beneath the trees. The flawless face was briefly illuminated by the glow of Sanzo's lighter as he lit up another smoke, before replying to Gojyo. "I mean, you can't waste your life like this… You can't spend your time wandering forever." Waiting for nothing. Waiting for what I can't give.

"Urusei," Gojyo growled, standing up too to weave his way over to Sanzo. He stopped a foot away, scowling. "It's none of your business what I choose to do with my life." I choose you. However way I can have you. I choose you.

Golden eyebrows levitated mockingly. "That's my line, baka erogappa…" Sanzo drawled, but the purple eyes flashed with unspoken, searing pain.

And inevitably, Gojyo closed the distance between them, their self-control dissolving before their undeniable yearning for each other. Inevitably, their lips fused furiously, hungrily, desperately, both of them powerless to resist anymore; to deny themselves the almost painful bliss of each other's arms, the heady sounds of passionate, pleading murmurs falling from burning, eager lips, the pure torture of drinking ravenously from each other's mouths, of swallowing each other's furtive, hushed moans of ecstatic, intense pleasure.

Inevitably, with Sanzo's arms around him, with the slender porcelain fingers twined in his hair and stroking his scalp, with the hard silky lips ravishing his mouth, with soft growls of helpless need rumbling against his chest, with his corrupt monk shuddering in his arms… Inevitably, Gojyo lost his head, groaning against his beloved's lips. "God, Sanzo… God, how I lo— "

Inevitably, Sanzo broke the kiss, pushing Gojyo away roughly, turning his back and walking away without another word, leaving the kappa trembling weakly, cursing softly, an ache in his throat and unshed tears glinting in the eloquent crimson eyes.

Inevitably, the next day Gojyo was gone without a word, without saying goodbye. And Sanzo was left by the window, watching the road with dull purple eyes.

That's the way it has to be.

And it will never be enough.



"Him that I love, I wish to be free… Even from me." -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I had to push him away. I had to. And it is more than the fact that I am now officially Toa Genjyo Sanzo Houshi Sama, highest ranked monk in the world, have been for the past ten years, and I have no business profaning the Holy Temple with stupid, frantic, furtive make-out sessions in the shadows like a foolish teenager…

It is more than the fact that his kisses still render me weak, so weak and helpless and meltingly soft in his arms, setting my blood on fire and causing my heart to thunder in my chest…

It is the way he moans my name, like he is drowning… It is the words, the words that almost fall from those sinful lips yet again; the words which I cannot bear to hear him say, for fear of my heart breaking with the sheer hopelessness of it all.

Fuck, who am I kidding… I would give anything, everything, for the freedom to hear him whisper those words again and again in my ear, as much as he wants; for the right to lie in each other's arms night after night; for the sweet privilege of possessing him and being possessed by him, forever.

But this is how things are. And I ache for him, I ache for the sheer futility of his unspoken devotion. I am furious with him for refusing to listen to me, to forget about me and move on with his life.

Still, undeniably selfish, hypocritical bastard that I am, I wait. Every time he goes away, I count the minutes, the hours, the days. And I wait. I wait for the one who gives meaning to my life. Who is the meaning of my life. Who has been both my weakness and my strength, since he opened his door one rainy night and stole my soul, unbeknownst to me at the time. I wait for the one who gave my soul back to me, that bleak, hopeless day ten years ago, and opened my eyes to the truth of my own feelings for him. And that same day I surrendered my soul back to him for safekeeping.

I live for the day that I see the familiar, beloved, mischievous figure standing down there in the courtyard, looking up at me with naked worship in his eyes. I wait for the day when I go down coolly and greet him mildly, with my heart pounding madly in my chest the whole time. My soul has returned.

You came.

Of course I did.

You shouldn't have. You mustn't.

I choose YOU.



"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus." -- Wallace Stegner


Dammit! One week, seven fucking days, and all my self-control blown to smithereens. I could have spent three months by his side again; three long, agonizing, tortuous months sharing his table, conversing with him, sitting silently by as he conducts his affairs as is demanded of him, until he is free to spend some time with me, smoking in quiet companionship, drinking, talking, reminiscing…

… Stealing yearning glances, fighting against the overpowering longing to clasp his body against mine, to press hungry burning kisses all over that impossibly perfect face, to crush his lips beneath my lips, to claim him in sweet possession…

Well I certainly cracked, didn't I, stupid, BAKA erogappa. I certainly caved in last night; and oh it was good, so good to have him in my arms again, after so long… The last time had been five years ago, when I immediately disappeared for a year and a half after the incident. Then, it was he who had crumbled; it was he who slammed me hard against the pillar, in the cool moonlit shadows of the courtyard. Without warning I was pinned helplessly between cold, unyielding stone and his hard, burning body, his mouth ravishing mine, groaning desperately.

It was he who capitulated; but it was still I who drove him back, unintentionally, when I groaned against his mouth, as I did last night. " Sanzo… God, how I love you… " Only, just like last night, I didn't get to finish my sentence the last time either. I never get to finish it.

And so I go away again, with his words from long ago echoing in my mind, "This is the way it has to be…" And he always throws it to my face that I have a choice, the goddamn bastard. My corrupt monk. Can't he see? The only choice is him. In whatever way I can have him. That is why I come back, that is why I return to him, again and again. That is why I will return again, when the longing cuts too deep for me to bear.

I choose him. The untouchable, enigmatic, beautiful man who can have whoever he wants – well, he would, if he were not the Holiest of Holies – and he, who could have anyone he chooses, for whatever reason under heaven, wants only me . No matter that it is forbidden. Each time our eyes meet he opens himself and lets me see into his soul, and there… I see only myself.

Fucking unbelievable. But it is a truth that I guard jealously, that I hoard secretly to me. Sanzo lives for me. And he is my redemption. Because he loves only me – he loves this red hair, and these red eyes, and the scars that just last night he had caressed oh-so-tenderly. Sanzo loves me, Sha Gojyo.

He has never spoken the words, as he will never allow me to speak them to him, but I know. I know. Because he goes on, day after day, just as he promised me, so long ago in the woods, with the stars for witness. He goes on, even though the cloistered temple life must fucking be killing him.

He goes on. For me.

And it is enough.

… Isn't it?


Sun In The Night

Lighthouse Family

How many times in your life

Have you ever had the feeling that

The way you live is crazy

And there must be something else

When you look at the sky

Does it ever cross your mind

There could be something you've forgotten

That won't ever go away

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go

It gets too much after a while

Try to always hide your feelings

When the world is going crazy

And you keep it to yourself

How much it hurts

Though you try, try to get on with your life

You tell yourself that worse things happen

And just hope it goes away

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go


"The best love affairs are those we never had." –Norman Lindsay


Wait for me. I'm coming back. I might take longer this time, until I reign myself in, but I'm coming back.

I know you will. You choose me. I know.

I love you.

I know.

Do you love me?

Don't you know, baka erogappa? It's the only thing keeping me alive.

I know, my beautiful, corrupt monk. I know.

What happens when I go? What happens when all that is left when you appear out of nowhere is just a cold grave?

Ah. Maybe then I will be allowed to finish my sentence, ne? … And then the banishing gun will finally fire its last bullet.

Sou ka.

Will you give it to me, the next time I come?


You goddamn selfish bouzu…

I'll give it to you when I feel the time is near. I'll give it to you.

You promise, my love?

… Cross your heart, baka erogappa…

"I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence –

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

Robert Frost



Japanese mini-glossary

Bouzu: monk

Minna: Everyone

Tenkai: Heaven

Ne: Right

Hai: Yes

Sumimasen: Excuse me/ I'm sorry

Ikuzo: Let's go

Baka: Stupid/ fool

Erogappa: Horny water imp

Bakazaru: stupid monkey

Sou ka: is that so

Nani: What

Gomen: Sorry

Urusei: Shut up

Demo: But

Ikkou: group

Hage bouzu: baldy monk

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