Title: Wands
Chapter: 4 - Four of Wands
Author: Aeneus
Email: aeneus111 (a) hotmail (dot) com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/aeneusfiction Rating: PG Pairing: Sanzo/Hakkai Summary: Cho Gonou enters Sanzo's life,
turning it upside down. Sanzo needs to cope with the aftermath. A/N: Taking some liberties with the sequence
of events in Hakkai and Gojyo's Burial Arc. Written for the 78_tarot LJ
community. Beta'ed by Car Jack and Sanzo Chama <3 Disclaimer: All of these characters belong
to Kazuya Minekura. This is written purely for my own entertainment and
hopefully that of others. Tarot cards can have complex meanings. I've picked
the elements that best benefited the characters and storyline. "So you're really thinking of going
back to work as a teacher?" Sanzo asked. Just like the week before, both men were
sipping tea around Sanzo's desk. Sanzo hadn't heard anything from Hakkai during
the week, which only had increased his obsession. Their last conversation still
played in his mind. The subtle, unexpected cracks in Hakkai's composure had
fired a desire to slip between them and feel everything the man wasn't telling.
Every night he had dreamt of taking Hakkai away from everything and of
replacing whatever Hakkai was missing with himself. In his dreams, Hakkai would
come to him and Sanzo would heal any pain with his touch. In a way, these new
dreams were even more unsettling for Sanzo. Lust had been an
overwhelming and irrational response that had thrown his comfortable life in
sudden disarray. But now - now he was starting to care. But of course, in real life, such thoughts
were only misguided. Hakkai might think of him as a friend, but that didn't
mean he actually thought Sanzo could be of any help, or any use. Sanzo's mind
had obviously read too much into their last encounter, as Hakkai sat stoically
across from him. It should be a wake-up call, Sanzo realized, before his mind
got carried away from him. But still…it hurt. Hakkai had hardly touched his tea and had
been unusually quiet, leaving it up to Sanzo to create an opening to find out
what was bothering the man. Sanzo had tried to re-establish the connection they
seemed to have made last week, but sitting here on opposite sides of his desk
sipping cold tea, the atmosphere felt stifled and closed off. Hakkai seemed
distracted and Sanzo could only assume his issues were still unresolved,
whatever they might be exactly. Hearing Sanzo's question, a flicker of
emotion crossed Hakkai's face. "I think I would like to," he said
thoughtfully. "I suppose, really, I should." It was said without a smile, raising
Sanzo's suspicions immediately. "You don't have to do anything you don't
want to," he said, unsure what was playing in Hakkai's mind right now.
Hakkai was still tutoring Goku without any objections and Sanzo supposed at
some point he would want a source of income. It seemed a logical option for
Hakkai to get back on track. But not even Hakkai could hide his reluctance
behind his practiced pleasantness. "No, I want to start my life
again," Hakkai replied, making a short-lived attempt at sounding
optimistic. He looked at Sanzo, his eyes full with unspoken thoughts. Sanzo shrugged, uncomfortable with the
unspoken communication that he seemed unable to interpret. His feelings were
torn between prying and retreating to the safety of his personal distance.
"You don't like the tea?" he asked instead, nodding towards Hakkai's
full cup of tea. "No, the tea is lovely." Hakkai
quickly took a sip, apparently oblivious of the fact the tea was, by now, stone
cold. Sanzo lit a cigarette and smoked quietly. If
Hakkai only needed him there to listen, then that's the least Sanzo could do.
It was up to Hakkai to do the talking. Hakkai finished his cup before he said
anything. "I just don't know if it would be too much like -- before. I
don't think I could do that. If it would remind me too much…" Hakkai's
voice trailed off. Sanzo looked away, not wanting to picture
the man before him with the sister he'd never seen. "You can't keep living
in the past," Sanzo said. At least that was one piece of advice he could
freely give. "The past has a tendency to follow
you around, doesn't it?" Hakkai's long fingers adjusted his monocle in a
gesture Sanzo wasn't sure the other man was even aware of. The earlier hint of
sadness in his voice was now joined with something new; something almost like
anger. Sanzo's attention was now piqued and he studied
Hakkai's face for traces of this new emotion. "What makes you say
that?" But Hakkai's face had gone back to its
familiar impassiveness. "Nothing." --- Why had the Three Aspects felt the need to
remind him of that? Did they know something? Sanzo couldn't help but feel that
their warning was connected to his last conversation with Hakkai and the
strange emotions he had felt hidden behind Hakkai's words. Or were they warning
him against his own sins? Sanzo found that hard to believe; the Three Aspects
had never before taken an interest in his vices. The fact they might take a
particular interest in this one was an unsettling thought. It was hard enough
dealing with those three wise heads without them meddling in his private
affairs. And Sanzo had a sneaking suspicion this whole business of temple
robberies they had settled him with was some sort of ruse as well. But at least this gave him an opportunity to
go into the village and visit Hakkai and Gojyo. The whole day had filled Sanzo
with an unfocused sense of foreboding that wouldn't go away until he saw Hakkai
again. The next morning he set out early from the
temple, after having to almost physically restrain Goku from following him.
Whatever it was that was going on, Sanzo had a feeling it was best Goku stayed
out of it. The monkey thought the world of Hakkai and Sanzo didn't want to take
the chance there was anything going on that might change that. He smoked all
the way to Hakkai and Gojyo's house and chided himself for feeling nervous
about seeing Gojyo again after their last conversation. Sanzo had been so lost in thought when he
finally arrived that it took him a moment to realize what was wrong. Then it
dawned on him that the last two times he'd been here, there had been a front
door instead of a gaping doorway. The splinters along the side of the doorframe
made it clear the door had been 'removed' with some force. Sanzo called out
Hakkai's name as he carefully stepped inside and was greeted with more
disarray. It was obvious Hakkai's attempts at cleaning the place up had been
completely abandoned. Gojyo was slumped over one of the chairs and began to
stir with a pain-filled groan that spoke of a major hangover. Hakkai emerged
from one of the bedrooms, looking apologetic and immediately began clearing
some of the empty bottles and full ashtrays. The amicable atmosphere that had
been there on his last visit was painfully absent and replaced with a lingering
hostility that was almost chilling. For the first moment Sanzo was frozen in his
spot. He couldn't imagine what had taken place here. Did Hakkai and Gojyo have
a fight? Sanzo had a hard time picturing Hakkai having a fight with anyone. But
he remembered the Three Aspects' warning and the underlying anger in Hakkai's
voice and Sanzo couldn't stop a chill going down his spine. He took the beer Hakkai handed him and
smoked through the expected initial pleasantries. Gojyo had roused himself
somewhat and was nursing the coffee Hakkai had made. Sanzo didn't miss that
when Hakkai finally sat down it was on the other side of the table, away from
either of them. But Sanzo wasn't there to be relationship therapist. Nor was he
there only to spy on Hakkai. Though he had to admit, he wasn't exactly put at
ease by what he had walked into. It had been quite a while ago, but Sanzo
hadn't forgotten what it had been like to carve out a new life when it feels
like all purpose for it is lost. For him, it had been Jikatu
who had finally sat him straight. Sanzo had no illusions he had all the answers
for Hakkai, but he might be able to provide a catalyst to break Hakkai's mood.
Of course, he didn't bother denying to himself that his own reluctance to get
involved with some tedious criminal investigation didn't play a part in
delegating this business of the temple robberies to Hakkai and Gojyo. But then,
the Three Aspects surely would have known that, so in fact he was only acting
according to their expectations. His own reluctance for the job was clearly
reflected in both Gojyo and Hakkai. But Sanzo wasn't going to let it go so
easily. He spoke to Gojyo when he said it wasn't too late for people to change,
but it was directed at Hakkai. He could see his words hurt Hakkai, but being
gentle wasn't going to cut it. And besides, it wasn't Sanzo's style. If Hakkai
wanted a quiet life, he was hanging with the wrong crowd. As he left he could only hope some good
would come out of it at the end. It was a chance, but Sanzo was getting use to
taking those lately. Walking away from Gojyo's apartment, Sanzo at first didn't
pay much attention of the figure coming the other way. Only till it was clear
it was heading to the very same apartment did Sanzo stop. He looked warily at
the youkai sauntering up the path towards him. "What do we have here?" the youkai
drawled as he looked him up and down. Sanzo has seen that kind of look often
enough to be instantly sickened by it. His fingers curled around his gun hidden
in his sleeve. "Gojyo sure keeps strange company
nowadays," the youkai said mockingly. Sanzo raised an eyebrow as he stared back.
"You don't say?" Sanzo could only assume this youkai was a friend of
Gojyo's. He did seem like the typical company Gojyo would keep. And it would
explain the excessive number of beer bottles and cigarette butts he had seen.
Did it also explain Hakkai's edginess? The thought that this youkai was a guest
in Gojyo's house was disturbing to say the least. Hakkai's attitude to his own
transformation was fragile at best. Sanzo knew he considered it part of the
punishment for his Sins. He wasn't sure how well Hakkai would handle the
presence of a full blooded youkai so close to him. Did he think he was still
being punished? Or worse, did he think he still deserved it? The thoughts tasted sour in Sanzo's mind as
he watched the youkai continue on his way to Gojyo's apartment. A part of him
wanted to go back and make sure everything was alright. But instead Sanzo
sighed, lit a cigarette and continued on his way back to the temple. Hakkai had
to deal with his new life sooner or later. In the end everyone had to fight his
own battles and Hakkai needed to deal with this on his own. --- "Can I get you anything?" Goku
asked hesitantly. Sanzo looked up from his beer to see the monkey watching him
expectantly. Sanzo hadn't been very good company even by his usual standards
and, annoyingly, Goku was picking up on it. "No," Sanzo grumbled and took a
swig from his beer bottle. He had enough on his mind worrying if he'd done the
right thing with Hakkai to be bothered with Goku. "You need another beer?" Goku
asked with a persistence that had already proved immune to years of Sanzo's
ignoring. "No," Sanzo insisted. He could do
with another beer but more than that he wanted to be left alone. Goku rocked on
the balls of his feet, obviously reluctant to leave. Seeing Goku worry was
making him feel self-conscious. "I'm gonna go to bed," Sanzo lied, if
only to see Goku relax. "Sure, okay," Goku mumbled,
looking like he had to put effort into convincing himself everything was indeed
okay. Sanzo ignored the pang of guilt as Goku finally left him and drowned the
last of his beer. He reached for his last cigarette and found a full pack he
was sure hadn't been there before. Damn Goku… He lit one and exhaled slowly as he
watched the sun set from his window. He thought about Hakkai and Gojyo and the
unknown youkai stuck together in Gojyo's house. Sanzo had an uneasy feeling
about the strange youkai and the more he thought about it the more restless he
became. As the last of the light faded it started to rain, making Sanzo even
more on edge. This was one night he could do without the memories to top things
off. He had smoked through half his pack when the rain had thankfully ceased.
Maybe it was better to really go to bed, he thought gloomily. There was nothing
he could do anyway. He didn't know how long he'd been in asleep
when he became aware of a presence in the room. He had his gun out before he
was even fully awake, but the presence didn't move. It was sitting on the chair
facing away from the window. "Sorry to wake you," Hakkai's
voice sounded from the chair. Sanzo put his gun away and turned on the
bedside lamp. He squinted for a moment as his eyes adjusted to the light.
Hakkai still hadn't moved, sitting with his hands folded in his lap and his
eyes cast down. Sanzo followed his gaze and saw the traces of blood on Hakkai's
clothes. "Please forgive my appearance. I forgot
to change." Sanzo swung his legs over the side of the
bed and lit a cigarette. This was sure unexpected. Or maybe it wasn't. Sanzo
wasn't sure he was awake enough to make the right judgment on that. This whole
week had been pretty strange so far and Hakkai paying him a sudden midnight
visit covered in blood might just fit right into it. At least Hakkai didn't
appear to be injured himself, which filled Sanzo with a disconcerting amount of
relief. He realized he couldn't care less whose blood it was, as long as it
wasn't Hakkai's. "What happened?" he finally asked. Hakkai's chuckle bordered on manic, sending
a shiver through Sanzo's body. Sanzo knew all too well about the things Hakkai
had done that had led to his sentence, but never before had Sanzo felt
the threat so closely present. Maybe it was better to care after all whose
blood that was. "I'm not sure," Hakkai said when
he had composed himself. He finally looked up and met Sanzo's eyes. "I
never wanted any of this to happen -- I didn't want to do it…" Sanzo's blood ran cold through his veins. Not
that he was afraid of anything Hakkai might do to him, but afraid Hakkai might
have done something that was beyond the Three Aspects to intervene. Something
that would separate them forever. "What did you do?" Sanzo forced
himself to ask. "I killed them all," Hakkai
replied quietly. His eyes became unfocused, drawing Sanzo into a surreal moment
where he couldn't tell whether Hakkai was talking about the villagers and
youkai he had killed in his sister's revenge, or something much more recent. "I couldn't tell Gojyo. Banri was his
friend, but I hated him so much." There was both resentment and regret in
Hakkai's voice. Sanzo guessed that he was referring to the
strange youkai he had met outside Gojyo's house. He wasn't sure how it all
fitted together yet, but it didn't surprise him that youkai was involved in it
somehow. "Did you kill this Banri?" Sanzo asked, hoping deep down the
answer would be yes. "No," Hakkai shook his head.
"The ones who were holding Gojyo. They were going to kill him." Hakkai had now completely lost him. The
whole situation was turning stranger by minute, but Sanzo didn't want to care.
Having Hakkai sitting across from him in the half dark gave it all a dreamlike
quality. For once the usual barriers of formality between them felt suspended
and Sanzo felt unexpectedly empowered by the shift. Whatever had happened,
Hakkai had come to him. The realization clung to Sanzo. Hakkai had come to
him. "Gojyo wouldn't understand…"
Hakkai got up and crossed the few feet to Sanzo's bed and grabbed his arm. His
fingers dug into Sanzo's arm almost painfully. "Please, don't say I came
here." Hakkai knelt in front of him in an uncomfortably similar way Sanzo
had seen him in many of his dreams. The bedside lamp reflected of the startling
green eyes, the pupils quickly contracting in the light. "Okay," Sanzo mumbled, still not
sure what the hell had actually happened or why exactly Hakkai was there. But
none of that mattered as he put his hand on Hakkai's shoulder and pulled him
closer. The gesture would have been unthinkable even hours ago, but right now
Sanzo couldn't think of anything to stop him. He wasn't used to so much
physical contact and his hold on Hakkai was awkward. He had to close his eyes
and concentrate to stop the shivers running through body as he felt Hakkai's
head resting close to his chest. He never thought this could really happen. He
never thought he could do this. Sanzo immediately stiffened as he felt his
body respond with a sudden overwhelming urgency. He couldn't suppress a moan as
his erection hardened under his robes. Shocked by himself he pushed Hakkai
away, praying the man hadn't noticed. Hakkai leaned back, creating some
distance between them. His face was flushed, but Sanzo couldn't tell whether it
had anything to do with him or not. The whole thing had gone beyond Sanzo's
understanding. "I'm sorry," Hakkai repeated,
echoing the thought in Sanzo's mind, and slumped down on the floor. "It's
been a long day and I fear I'm not thinking straight." "Why don't you start at the
beginning?" Sanzo suggested and picked up his discarded cigarette to take
a long drag. His hands were shaking, betraying the confusion inside his body as
he desperately tried the steady his mind. It would seem they were both out of
their emotional element. This time Hakkai took his time and related
the events between Gojyo and him, and Banri and his gang. Sanzo stayed quiet
and tried to keep focused on Hakkai's voice. His mind pictured Hakkai in his
youkai form; it was hard to imagine the amount of power restrained by those
three little clips. The tale left Hakkai shaking as well. The rift in his
feelings was painful to hear. Sanzo wished he could go back to holding
Hakkai, but now that Hakkai was sitting away from him, Sanzo couldn't make
himself go to him. He had been betrayed by the craving of his body before; he
didn't want to risk it again. Not with Hakkai in the state he was in. Vulnerable.
The idea pressed painfully on Sanzo's chest. Looking at Hakkai still sitting
dejectedly on the floor in front of him, it was so close to Sanzo's dreams he
had to shake his head to remind himself this was reality. If he touched Hakkai
now, it would be taking advantage. The realization burned in his mind and
cooled his body. "You're not Gonou anymore," Sanzo
stated emptily, needing to fill the silence and anchor him back. As he said it,
Sanzo found his own mind adjusting to the reality of the statement. In front of
him was not Gonou; the wounded man who had pulled Sanzo into a whirlpool of new
desires. It was a new creature with the same alluring features, but healing
himself into a new man; a man Sanzo desperately wanted to know. "I know that," Hakkai said
pensively. He looked at Sanzo and seemed to know everything Sanzo wasn't
saying: that he was sorry it had to be this way; that he wanted to say
something more comforting but didn't know the words; that he was dying to hold
Hakkai. "I know that now." He gave a small smile, which looked to
acknowledgement of everything that wasn't said. Sanzo felt himself blush and nodded without
thinking. "It just takes some time getting used
to," Hakkai sighed. "I didn't want to let go." "A person can change," Sanzo
repeated what he had told Gojyo before. Hakkai reached out and touched his knee.
Sanzo didn't dare move. "Thank you," Hakkai said genuinely. He got up
and straightened his clothes. "I really should go back. I have disturbed
you enough and I don't want Gojyo to miss me." Sanzo sat up straight in response, feeling
the moment of unspoken intimacy finish. "By the way, we solved your temple
robberies," Hakkai said as he stood by the door. Sanzo chuckled humorlessly. "You can
send me the bill." --- Sanzo shook his head as Hakkai presented him
with the bill the next day. Hakkai looked relaxed and comfortable; more so than
ever before. Sanzo looked suspiciously at Gojyo; he naturally blamed him for
the whole mess Hakkai had been put through and Sanzo promptly refused to pay
for his treatment for injuries sustained. He let the broken door slide, knowing
it would make Hakkai feel better to have it repaired. In the light of day, it was hard to match
this content looking Hakkai with the emotional and troubled version he had
briefly held in his arms last night. So much so it seemed like another of his
disturbing dreams. But still, Sanzo felt something intangible had changed
between them. Some of the ever-present tension Sanzo had felt with Hakkai had
ebbed away, but he had no way of knowing if this feeling was only one-sided. They sat together, silently eating the
oranges Goku had given them; Hakkai peeling away each piece before carefully
dropping it into his mouth. Sanzo tried not to stare. He had sent Gojyo and
Goku away to get food. He figured between the two of them, they would take
their time getting back. Hakkai licked his lips after he'd swallowed
the last piece of orange. He cleared his throat before turning towards Sanzo.
"I do apologize for last night. It won't happen again." "It doesn't matter," Sanzo replied
and took a deep breath. "I'm glad you came." He looked sideways at
Hakkai. "I mean, I'm glad I could help." Hakkai gave a small smile, accepting what
Sanzo was trying to say. "I do have a new life now," he said. "A
different one." For once Hakkai didn't sound sad when he said it. "I think I might give a shot at living
it." Sanzo lowered his eyes and picked at his
orange, the bright color forever associated with his own loss. "Remember
you asked me if I ever loved someone?" he asked quietly. "Did you?" Hakkai's voice didn't
show any surprise he might have at Sanzo's sudden question; only genuine
interest. "In a way." A peaceful image of
Koumyou leaning against a tree, smoking his pipe and looking contently at the
clear sky, formed before Sanzo's eyes. It was the way he most liked to remember
him. "When I lost him, I thought I had lost everything." Hakkai nodded silently, letting Sanzo talk
without prying for details. Sanzo didn't know whether it was right to bring up
those painful memories right now, for both of them. But Sanzo felt the need to
tell Hakkai; to let him know something of his own past now that he knew so much
about Hakkai's. "I was ready to die." Hakkai looked at him, his eyes
understanding. "So was I." "Something will come along to keep you
going." Sanzo thought of Jikatu and Goku and all the other things that had
changed his life and kept him going. Then Gonou, now Hakkai. "I'm okay now, I think," Hakkai
said calmly. Sanzo wondered what things Hakkai was
thinking of. "I don't doubt you." Hakkai smiled at him warmly. "I realize
you've put your trust in me. I can never thank you enough for that; for giving
me the chance of this life." Sanzo felt the warmth spread through him.
"Just don't betray me." Hakkai nodded. "I won't." TBC… A/N: Four of wands: foundation, stability,
rest. For a card representing rest and stability,
this chapter turned out quite turbulent :D My interpretation is that the foundation
for Sanzo and Hakkai's understanding is laid here. And I guess you need a storm
first before you can appreciate the calm.
Four of Wands
The afternoon with Hakkai had left Sanzo with a restless feeling of uneasiness.
And on top of that, he got a summons from the Three Aspects. His initial
feeling that they had a hand in the situation he found himself in right now was
still in the back of Sanzo's mind."…the fact that Cho Hakkai is a sinner will not
change. Do not forget that…"
_____________
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